That in-between place.

Thank goodness for running therapy. 8 miles @ 8:37 pace. This pace felt difficult; my breathing was heavier than normal.

Thank you for letting me journal here. Yesterday, I was able to just lay next to Mer on her bed for a while and rub her arm in her cute PJs. This experience has been very sacred to me and I won’t go into too many details but I’m thankful for the hours I have had with her in this in-between space. Moments where I feel she is here with us and listening to our voices and moments she is somewhere else.

Yesterday I felt more bonded and closer with her than I ever have.

My cousin has been in town over this last week and it has been amazing to catch up with each other. We have always been close and this time together has been so special.

A few days ago, Mer was able to see Beck for a split second before she closed her eyes. It was really special. She has always laughed so hard whenever I told her his latest antics.


My St. George brother was able to come up to visit Mer and he brought the best peach cobbler on the planet and ice cream.

We were able to see Andrew too. I love it when he is sent to hospitals close to us so we can see him on his breaks.

My heated blanket has come out of storage and somehow whenever I plug it in, they hear and come join me.

KNOX IS 11 TODAY! I first met and fell in love with Knox when he was 3 years old. Knox turns any normal activity into a party. People gravitate to him. I am so grateful for the relationship I have with him and how lucky I am to be a part of his life. Here’s to all of the lego sets, pepperoni pizzas and time together.

Thanks for letting me be all over the place this week. My brain is so consumed right now but it has been so nice to be able to connect here with friends that have gone through similar things.

There is nothing in the world like a grandparent.

If you want to wish Knox a happy birthday, he would love to read it!

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47 comments

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Thinking of you and your family at this tough time! ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผโค๏ธ

Happy birthday Knox!! Have the best day ! ๐ŸŽ‰

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Happy Birthday Knox! Wishing you a year full of love, laughter, and great memories.

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Happy birthday to Knox!!!

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Sending virtual hugs your way, this must be a very difficult time for you and your family.

And happy birthday to Knox! Make sure to eat lots of cake :)

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Happy birthday Knox!! Hope you have the best day ever!!

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Happy birthday Knox! My son, Cam, will be 11 in November. I love reading what you are up to, as I relate to your age so well. Hope you have the best day!

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I like how you described that “in-between place.” You and your family are filling that place with comfort for Mer and yourselves, although it’s both a safe and unnerving place to be. Sending you all love.

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Happy Birthday, Knox! I hope your day is filled with all your favorite things!

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Happiest of Birthdays, Knox!! I, too, have someone in my house who enjoys Lego sets and pepperoni pizza and his age starts with a 5 and is double digits :) May you never be too old for your favorite things! Have a wonderful day celebrating, sending you birthday high fives from Texas!

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Aloha Janae! I have been thinking of you and your Mer this week. Life with loved ones is such a gift, she has been such a part of your stories since I started following you pre Brooke. May her remaining time be full of peace and love, I am sure she feels all of you near her side.
Happiest of birthdays Knox! How time flies, I remember the early days of seeing you here and thinking what a great gift for you all to be in each others lives. Bonus parents and families can be so amazing. Have the best day and may it bring you as much pepperoni pizza as you can handle!

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Happy birthday, Knox! I hope your entire year is filled with pepperoni.
Sending you lots of peace, Janae!

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Happy Birthday Knox all the way from Singapore xxx

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Happy birthday Knox! Have a great day.

My condolences to you and your family, Janae.

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Dear Janae, I am sending you and your entire family SO much love at this time. I know how hard this is for all of you. I am so happy you all are surrounded by so many family members and giving each other and Mer all the love in your hearts. Sending a huge hug to you XOXO

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Happy Birthday Knox! You are such a great kid. I hope your day is filled with Legos and pizza! My boys still love Legos too, and they’re 19 and 22 ๐Ÿ˜Š
Sending you all lots of love and hugs

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Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time๐Ÿค

Happy Birthday Knox! Have the best day ever!!!!

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Happy birthday Knox! Eat some pizza and I hope you have the best day!

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Sending lots of love to you and your family <3

Happy birthday, Knox!

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Sending love and prayers to you!!!

Happy birthday, Knox!!! ๐ŸŽ‚

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Happy Birthday to Knox!!! Legos are the best! – I hope he has an amazing birthday/week.
And that peach cobbler! It looks very delicious.
Love that you are able to spend extra time just being with your Mer right now. My grandparents haven’t been with me for many years now, & yet I continue to think about them quite often, and enjoy telling my kids stories about them – SO many special memories with our grandparents! And yummy recipes from both my grandmas that will continue to live on forEVer. :) I’ll keep you all in my prayers.

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That gave me goosebumps… these recipes and memories will last forever. Thank you for the love. It means a lot to us.

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Happy Birthday Knox! What’s your favorite lego set you’ve completed and which one would you love to do next?

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This made him smile so big. The one he would love to do next is the roller coaster or the haunted mansion and his favorite so far is a police station with a bank:). Thanks for asking, have a beautiful day Alyssa!

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Happy birthday Knox! Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time . Sending hugs and thoughts.

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Happy birthday, Knox!!

Prayers for you and your family, Janae. So glad you’re able to spend time with Mer.

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Janae, my heart goes out to you. I lost my Mom in 2020 and I remember laying in bed with her in the same way. I held her hand and just tried to imprint the moment in my mind so that I have that memory to look back on and remember how it felt having her hand in mine. No words can describe how sucky it is to go through that, but grief just means that you love – so I hope you feel all the feelings. Thanks for sharing your vulnerable moments.

Happiest of birthdays, Knox! I can’t believe how old you are!

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Tess. My heart aches thinking about how you lost your mom a few short years ago. Thank you for sharing what you experienced… I feel this so deeply.

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Happy birthday, Knox! You seem like such a cool kid, and it’s clear you are loved very much.

I’m glad you have been able to spend time with Mer. She does know you’re there, and I’m sure she’s comforted by that as she makes her transition. As an NP, I’ve seen that transition multiple times, at many ages. Everyone is different, but it’s always clear that those who are surrounded by loved ones have a gentler time at it. I bet Mer would say “there is nothing in the world like a grandchild”
Go easy on yourself during this time. Use the blog as a journal or take some time off — I think none of us would fault you at all for doing so. Love and hugs, Stacey

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Thank you for that, Stacey. It means a lot. Andrew completely relates with you and sees this transition all of the time. He always tries to explain it to me but I’ve never understood until now. Thank you.

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Wishing you the happiest of birthdays, Knox!!

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Lots of prayers for your family, Janae! And happy birthday to Knox!!

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Sending Knox big birthday wishes from France! ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽˆ๐ŸŽ‚
Wishing you and your family peace and love at this difficult time. ๐Ÿ’•

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So sorry about your Grandma, HRG. You are a strong woman! <3
Happy Birthday to Knox!

I'm running the St. George Marathon this year as well, but it's the first time I've done this one. I've done quite a few marathons, but never St. George. You seem like a pro on St. George. :) Do you have any tips for us first-timers?

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Happy Birthday Know, you sure have grown up a lot since we got to meet you on the blog. Have a wonderful day and I hope you have a wonderful birthday!!
Janae, you are in my prayers. I heard someone say it is as much a privilege to be with someone as life begins as it is to be with them when life ends. Grandparents are such a blessing and such a unique and wonderful relationship. She loves you and your family a lot, that is easily seen in your blog photos of Mer with you and your kids. And she knows you’re happy!! It doesn’t make it easy though.

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Happy Birthday, Knox! I hope you have the best day ever!

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My heart is heavy for you

Happy Birthday Knox

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Happy Birthday Knox – you sound like a very special person and everyone around you is blessed to have you in their life!

Did you know grief is an emotion that physically affects your lungs the most? It makes sense your breathing was harder as you go through this time with your family.

May you have peace and joy for the life you were able to experience with Mer. I have loved reading your special relationship with her over the years.

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So sorry Janae. I’ll be praying for her and your family. It is such a special albeit difficult time. I have one surviving grandparent left. I lost my gma, and then my Uncle 3 months apart, 5 years ago. Then I lost my cousin, my Uncle who died- his daughter from cancer last year. I still think about her everyday. Loss is so hard and weird. These memories you have with her right now will hold a special place in your heart, but I know the real and raw pain you feel. Holding space for both is strange, yet it somehow is that way. Big hugs!!! โค๏ธ

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HAPPIEST Birthday, Knox!! Hope your day is filled with all your favorites!!

Sending love & hugs to you & your family. I’m sure Mer can feel your love & peace. Grandparents truly are so special! <3

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I have tears in my eyes. I lost my grandma two years ago and it’s so hard. The most amazing thing is how much quality time you’ve been able to spend with her in this time, AND all the quality time over so many years!! The pain you feel is equal to the love you feel. My grandma was 1000+ miles away, she got a cancer diagnosis on a Thursday, we flew out to see her first thing Saturday morning, but she was gone while we were in the car ride from the airport to the hospice center. The time you are able to spend with her is so precious and so lucky, to have that time to say goodbye. My heart goes out to you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIB8EWqCPrQ this song helped a lot.

Happy birthday Knox!!

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Youโ€™ve always held space for your readers to be open and vulnerable and the same space is held for you. Share however it feels comfortable to do so. Iโ€™ll keep praying for Mer and her journey and you and your family as you spend time with her as she does so.

Happiest of birthdays Knox. 11 is a great year ๐ŸŽ‚๐ŸŽ‰.

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Happy Birthday, Knox!

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I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. You are so lucky and blessed to have this time and the fact that you can see that is beautiful. My mom died suddenly two years ago. To be able to be there with your grandma is a gift.

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I hope you had a wonderful day Knox. Have an amazing 11th year of celebrations.
Happy Birthday!!!

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Thinking about you and your family during this hard time with Mer. So sorry.
Happy Birthday to you Knox! You have such a great, happy smile!

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Happy Birthday Knox !!! I hope you have an amazing day !!
There are no words for going through this with your special Mer, so I just want to say I am thinking of you. It’s tough, it’s special, it’s tearful, it’s sad, it’s just all the things. I know it’s also so very hard. So, you are in my heart lately.

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Thinking of you and your family right now. My grandfather passed away this summer and those moments where he was really there with us in the final weeks were so special. I think one of my favorite memories of him and my grandma was during those weeks. I still think of him every single day, oftentimes get tearful and miss him, but feel so lucky that I have an extra angel watching over our family. We told our kids that he gets to have one heck of a party with Jesus and that ALWAYS makes me smile! Sending you a big virtual hug!

And a happy birthday to Knox! My jaw actually dropped when you posted that he was 11! I can’t believe how time flies by so quickly!

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