This was the most fun run that I have done in a very long time.
Some friends invited me to run down Payson canyon on Saturday morning. I’ve never run or spent any time in this canyon, so I was excited to see what it was all about.
Such an amazing group of women to spend the morning with…
Jen’s husband drove us up to the top of the canyon, and then we started and were in the dark for about 15 minutes. PS I am so in love with oatmeal before long runs now. I felt such sustained energy throughout the run, along with 3 Maurten gels and the Gatorade that Beth dropped off for us.
The coloring we got to experience as the sun was rising was breathtaking.
I could not handle it.
This canyon is significantly downhill… a few rollers in the beginning and end, but overall very downhill, which was so fun for me. I swear, I smiled for 90% of the run with the tailwind, downhill, perfect temps, and leaves falling to the ground all around us. It felt magical. We did a 3-mile warm-up and then did a 7 x 1 mile fast (5:39 average) with a 1-mile float (6:29 average) between each one. We then did a cool-down for a few miles and enjoyed drinking and stretching at the end.
And just a few more pics from our weekend:
Snow!
Pumpkin bread from a mix because I was too lazy to make the real thing.
———————————————————
The other day a friend and I were talking about my past with an eating disorder and what I feel is the most significant change in myself since then…
I trust my body now. I feel safe here.
I used to always be at war with my body. If it told me I was hungry, I told it no. If it told me to rest, I ignored it. I never believed it. I worried that it would damage me if I listened to what it needed. I didn’t feel safe in my own body (which makes me want to cry just typing that).
And now I feel the opposite. I feel like my body is my ally. It truly wants the best for me. I feel safe here. If it tells me something, I listen. I’ve learned that we are on the same team. I’ve learned that fighting against my body results in a loss of health.
My pregnancies have been a great mentor for me over the years of watching my body change through so many different seasons. My body is in tune with what each stage of life requires and knows more than any book/website/influencer could ever tell me. I trust it.
If I let go of any control issues I try to have with my body, it naturally does what is best for me. Whether that is gaining weight, losing weight, slowing down, or speeding up… it knows what I need in each chapter of life. The more I nurture my body and trust the seasons, the more I get the results I want (results = feeling at peace, reaching goals, and loving who I am).
I don’t know why I was so at war with my body for so many years, but there is nothing like going through my days/months/years now feeling like I’m on the same team as my body. I’ll listen to it when it tells me something, and I’ll trust that when it tells me to eat (and what to eat). It wants the best for me, and I want the best for it. It was so worth the work to get here!
Tell me about a highlight from your weekend.
Does anyone else relate to going from being at war with their body to feeling safe there?
Do you run new spots often or stick to the tried and true?
What fuel during a run have you been loving lately?
38 comments
Molly S
Love Brooke’s outer wear outfit! She’s been bringing it with the fashion looks lately!
I’m about to load up on Maurten gels for my long run today. I sneak in a Huma Gel or two to get in electrolytes.
Super jealous of your canyon run! Looks beyond beautiful!
The Hungry Runner Girl
I ask her to choose outfits for me now! Good call on brining the humas too. I bet you rocked that long run and happy recovering afterward. Come run in the canyon with us!
Erin
Yes I can definitely relate to being at war with my body. I had an eating disorder in my teens and early 20s and I barely ate and over exercised. I definitely nourish my body now especially hitting 600 days of sobriety this Wednesday 🎉. Exercise is to feel good not to punish my body these days and same with food!!
I’m loving the clif bloks energy chews for fuel! I’m running a half marathon for the first time in 5 years this Saturday! And I’ve been running the same places….treadmill, neighborhood, swamp rabbit trail!
The Hungry Runner Girl
600 days of sobriety. Erin, you are incredible. I am so inspired by what you have overcome. Hallelujah to no more punishing our bodies. It is life-changing.
What a beautiful way to celebrate what you have overcome… you are going to rock your half-marathon! Let me know how it goes, I’m cheering for you!
Moni
Thank you for your words. I have gone through the same with the eating disorder (I am fully recovered now).
I feel the difference, too. How much easier the day to day is without this constant battle, the constant thought spirals of what is right and what would happen if… I am not a 100% there yet with movement (I still often push myself too hard) but I am also only 24 so I have lots of time to learn :)
Fuel on my runs… I stick to dates or small chocolate muesli bars (because now they don’t melt like the do in the summer) :)
I would love to try out more different areas for running but I don’t have a car and I have always had the luxury of living right next to a forest, so I didn’t feel the need to drive anywhere else. But your scenic runs make we want to move to Utah (but maybe I should make my long runs more adventurous first, ha. My family would be pretty upset if I moved halfway across the world ;) )
The Hungry Runner Girl
Moni, you are doing an amazing job with your recovery and I am so happy to hear this! Keep working towards trusting your body with your movement and keep me updated with it all!
I need to try dates on the run… I have a few friends that love using them. Hahah don’t leave your family but come vacation here and I’ll take you on some beautiful runs;). Have a beautiful day!
Amy S
Hi Janae! Fall in Utah looks gorgeous! That’s really interesting what you said about feeling safe in your own body, I’ll have to think about that!
I love running the same routes when I’m by myself but running new routes with a group. I’ve been eating bananas before running!
Have a great start to the week!
The Hungry Runner Girl
Are you coming back to Utah for skiing this winter? I love that you have been enjoying your group runs. Thanks friend, you too!
Courtney
Oh my goodness Janae this post almost brings me to tears because I relate so much! I don’t know why I felt the need to fight my body for so many years; I guess I thought that if I listened to by body I was being a glutton or lazy…who knows. I had a health scare about 3 years ago that turned out to be a blessing because it forced me to finally give my body what it needed and I’ve felt so much better since. Granted, there are instances when I’ll look at an old picture of myself and wish I looked the same way again, but I truly know that I’m so much happier & healthier being an ally with my body and giving it what it needs.
Over the past few months I’ve felt like I’ve been at odds with my body a little bit in regards to my pregnancy. Fatigue and morning sickness have been really rough this time around, so it feels difficult to not be able to get the foods & rest I know I need in (brings up some old feelings) but I know it’s just a phase, hoping to start feeling better soon!
Utah looks absolutely gorgeous in the fall! I hope you have a great week!
The Hungry Runner Girl
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, Courtney! You have been through so much and I am so glad you are okay after your health scare. That is so interesting and took me back to feeling that way with pregnancy too when it came to food… yes, it’s a phase and I hope so bad you are feeling like yourself a bit more asap. Thanks friend!
KRISTINE
Wow looks beautiful ik the canyons!
Highlight from our weekend. One last alpine adventure near whistler and we hit snow! It felt like it went from summer in October to winter over night.
For me realizing what my body can do makes me so happy. And as a by product I am usually pretty happy these days with how it looks.
The punkin bread from a mix looks delicious! Have a great day Janae!
The Hungry Runner Girl
I am so glad that you got in a final alpine adventure before the snow! We woke up to snow here today… I relate with your overnight situation ha. WHAT my body can do… that is the key. I hope you get some pumpkin bread soon!
Wendy
I love this post! I wish someone would have told me all of that when I was in my 20’s. I think about how much time was wasted over being so worried about how much I weighed, if I looked like the women in magazines and on TV. I know I missed out on so much joy. Thank you for sharing this.
Oh that canyon looks amazing. Utah is so pretty!
I usually stick to running the same routes, and every once in a while I will run in a new place. It’s funny, I was just talking to someone this weekend about my old usual routes, and realized I haven’t run some of them in a long time, and it made me miss them. Ha ha.
Have a great Monday Janae 😊
The Hungry Runner Girl
SO MUCH TIME wasted. I relate. Now we get to moving forward without wasting time worrying about these things. Time to get back to some of your old usual routes, wish I could join you. Have the best day, thanks Wendy!
Beth
Looks like an amazing run the light was incredible!!!
I love your words and how they have changed. I struggled with disordered eating when I was young and it was hard. I wish I could tell every young person how beautiful they are and how the don’t need to be anything to be loved.
The Hungry Runner Girl
Thank you, Beth! I am so glad that you have overcome disordered eating! I’m with you, I wish we could take this problem away from anyone that struggles with it. Sending love! Thanks Beth!
Debbie
Hate to be Debbie Downer, but just wait until peri menopause and menopause. I think your advice is great up until that point. Then seek out a professional that specifically deals with this phase of life (most on/gyns do not!). Very glad you and many of your readers were able to overcome an eating disorder. Sorry you had to deal with that.
Michelle
I second this comment (age 50). Hormones are powerful, and there isn’t enough good info out there on this stage of life.
Janae, I’m glad you are feeling more balanced. You look healthy and strong!
The Hungry Runner Girl
Michelle, I totally agree. I wish there was so much more information out there. I would love to hear more of your experience if you ever have a chance. Thank you, have a beautiful day!
The Hungry Runner Girl
I am so sorry, I have no experience in this realm but would love to know more about what you are saying… do you mean during those phases you can no longer trust your body? It is a time where you feel at war with your body? Thank you for bringing this up and the recommendation to seek help from professionals. There really isn’t enough information about this… we aren’t small men! Thank you, Debbie. That means a lot to me!
Kelly
Wow! The light in that first picture is absolutely spectacular! Looks like such an amazing experience!
I definitely relate to not trusting my body. I’m also at peace with it now and so appreciative of all it does for me and accepting of its different phases. Being pregnant and giving birth definitely helped me gain a greater appreciation for it, as well as running.
I often take the same routes since I run in the city, but I love run I get out to run a different route and explore a new area. One of the many gifts of running!
Have a great day, Janae!
The Hungry Runner Girl
Thank you, Kelly! I am SO happy you are at peace with your body now. Pregnancy/birth brings us so many gifts. I hope you have a beautiful day and I want to run in the city with you:)
Tara
Oh yes! Thanks for sharing this. Since I stopped binging and yoyo dieting I feel as though I can listen to my body for what it needs. I used to not sleep well because I went to bed hungry, or overstuffed, and I would get sick all the time. My diet took up 90% of my brain capacity, whether it be anger, shame, or planning my next diet. Fortunately, pregnancy helped propel my intuitive eating journey as I could really let go of what media tells us is a “good” body. During pregnancy, I could focus on enjoying food, for health and fun! I feel at rest in my body now. It’s not perfect and sometimes I have intrusive thoughts but I’m in a much better place where I can enjoy my time with friends and family, and enjoy food. I sleep well, rarely get sick, and have energy for life!!
The Hungry Runner Girl
I am SO happy you are in such a better place now. I relate so much with how my food took up my brain too. I smiled so big reading that last line. It’s amazing what trusting our bodies does for our overall health. You are amazing. Have a beautiful day, Tara!
Pumpkin powered
I fuel with my homemade from scratch pumpkin loaf, with homemade cream cheese icing. (I have never bought boxed baked goods – strict budget.)
Managed some 5:38 miles with 6:28 floats thanks to the loaf! Zoom zoom!
The Hungry Runner Girl
Homemade cream cheese icing would have made it even yummier. Great job;). I hope you have a beautiful day!
AmandaM
Hi Janae, I know there was a time when you had stopped weighing yourself. Do you weigh yourself now? I really wish at 44 I could say that I am not still at war with wanting a specific number on the scale. Since age 17 I have battled an eating disorder. I am so amazed at all of you people who have recovered! I really wish I could snap my fingers and have the thoughts go away. Do you think Andrew helped a lot with you being comfortable in your body?
The Hungry Runner Girl
Hey Amanda. I am HERE for you. I am truly so sorry that you have gone through this for so long. I wish I could take it away from you. I haven’t weighed myself in years and only do at the doctor’s office (I get on backward though) because it has been so triggering for me in the past. Stopping weighing myself helped me a lot. Andrew absolutely helped me a lot to be more comfortable. He also worked in a treatment center for eating disorders before he met me which was also so helpful for him to help understand my past and how I avoid triggers etc now. Are you working with a therapist at all right now? I’m ALWAYS here if you need to talk.
Kaytlin
Such an interesting and thoughtful way to put it “feeling at war with your body”.
I have a history with eating disorders and have a family history of addiction and substance use disorders.
I think one thing I have learned along the way is we never really are cured of our struggles, but learn how to manage along the way, and it gets easier with time.
I remember getting chronically ill earlier this year after having been pregnant, two things that can certainly trigger relapses. It was a reminder that healing and managing mental health is an active, constant process and we never know what triggers may come back in to our life. I felt so betrayed by my body and just wanted control back.
I guess that’s why AA and other programs are so insistent on us giving it up to a higher power (and for the non religious, maybe the universe) because ultimately, not even our bodies are in our control. How we act, how we take responsibility for our actions, our community and our care are in our control.
I guess I come from the paradigm that our bodies can be a gift and can be a curse, and there are many times and circumstances where we may feel totally betrayed by our body, our mind, maybe even our spirit. Maybe that’s accepting the things we can control and letting go of what we can’t.
What a wonderful way of thinking, making peace with our bodies. I guess I made peace that ultimately, I can take positive, healthy actions and take accountability for those actions, but ultimately, I have to be at peace with whatever happens because even our bodies, our minds and our spirits are a constant effort of love toward the process and our integrity, and not the result.
The Hungry Runner Girl
Kaytlin, thank you so much for sharing this with me. You have sure been through a lot this year. I hope you are doing okay. I totally agree with you, it’s a constant working relationship with these things. Different events (I think EMDR has really helped me with some of my PTSD in addition to these things) bring back feelings and then learning to cope and manage without the eating disorder will be a lifelong lesson. ‘Accepting the things we can control and letting go of what we can’t’…. YES. Thank you for opening up and bringing up that different events can bring the feelings of betrayal but we can be at peace with the fact that we can do what we can and let go of the rest. Have a beautiful day!
Erica
The ED stuff is so layered, isn’t it? I have unpacked it and still feel like certain whys are unveiled to me sometimes.
One major thing I discovered is that I wanted to turn off all those needs……hungry, tired, etc. because me putting myself on a priority list, or choosing myself made some people in my life uncomfortable. In order to manage their discomfort, I tried my best to just turn off all needs. I did have to reevaluate some relationships to get healthy, but am happy to say it was SO worth it.
The Hungry Runner Girl
Wow. That is something I’ve never thought about but it makes perfect sense. I think reevaluating/changing different relationships helped me SO much too. Thanks for sharing, I always learn so much from you.
Melissa
I have been at war with my body for 30 years. It is exhausting and I work on me every good and every bad day. Training for the most part keeps me in check, but I fear it is just a crutch. One day I pray to wale up and not let food control my life. Thank you for opening up and sharing how you have overcome your own personal battle. You inspire strength ❤️
The Hungry Runner Girl
Melissa. I am so so sorry. I am always here if you need someone to email with. I’m thinking about you.
Jeanette
Awesome, as always!!! I love reading, learning and growing from you. Your honesty is comforting AND appreciated. This community just rocks!
(I’m an OG runner with decades of plodding and a nagging ED)
Thank you for all you do 🙏🏼🙏🏼
Warren D. Footz
I’ve got to learn to listen to myself…..I know what doesn’t always work for me, but, well, STARBUCKS!!!…..I playing around with eating before a run…right now banana and peanut butter, but yeah, oatmeal…I have a smaller stomach, so I just have to be careful, or it’s looking for random washrooms, and well, trees……had an amazing run Sunday to cap off a really good week, running with faster friends so kind of a tempo run for me…..I used to do the gels and hydration on all my runs, until a friend/trainer/guru explained to me how things work, now, anything beyond 2 hours sure, under, nah I’m good..I tried that at a half marathon after learning that, and just ran past all the aids stations all the better……so yeah, know your body…..just committed to a full marathon in May – I haven’t done that since 2019 – so yeah, hard to believe planning for 2023, andmy 64th year on the planet…yikes!…….
Carrie
Definitely honor myself more then when I had my eating disorder but I don’t necessarily feel safe. It’s a life long battle that I have realized. I did feel safe, I was so at peace with where I was and then I had a health issue that changed my view. A few years ago I developed a milk allergy, or rather I guess I had it but it became worse. I was chronically nauseous and it caused some malabsorption issues. I lost a lot of weight and it completely and unexpectedly set me back in ED mode. I later found out that when you restrict it can change your brain basically and make you want to restrict more and the cycle continues until you are not starving any more! So I am now protective of my needs, I don’t weigh myself and I don’t get weighed at the doctors office, I will walk away if someone is talking about dieting or food that isn’t healthy, and in general keep myself in my safety zone!!
Avery
Ok, that sky is gorgeous! Meanwhile, in Louisiana, it’s 80 degrees and like 90% humidity. HA.
Also, thank you for your words in regards to your ED. Appreciate you and your wisdom and genuine self.
Keep being you and know I am so grateful. xoxo