I tend to cope with hard things by bottling it all up until it finally explodes out of me.  I’m not good about talking about these sorts of things because I feel like there truly are no words that can be said to help the hurt and pain that people are experiencing right now.  

The Connecticut tragedy really hit me hard today.  When I was feeding Brooke this morning at 6 I was going through the photos of the 26 victims and I couldn’t hold it in anymore.  Now that I am a mom I simply cannot begin to imagine what it would feel like to lose my little girl.  These poor families have lost their worlds.  

My other coping mechanism is running.  I got on my treadmill today and just ran.  It hit hard again when I saw Billy and Brooke come back from errands while I was running.  I cannot imagine the pain and sadness that the families of the 26 victims feel knowing they won’t get to see their loved ones come home to them again.    

IMG 6853

As a teacher we would often do drills to practice what we would do in the type of situation that occurred on Friday.  I felt completely responsible for those teenagers and the deep love that teachers have for their students is incredible.  Those teachers at Sandy Hook Elementary are truly heroes for doing everything they possibly could to protect those children.  

I have been kissing Brooke as much as possible and holding her tighter than I ever have before.  

I am so sorry to those affected by this tragedy.  I am praying for you.  

You May Also Like

64 comments

Reply

I am a mom and teacher, as well. Today was a very surreal day….the kids were oddly calm and seemed to cling to attention….this is saying a lot a day and a half before Christmas break…in a middle school!

Reply

Amen to that, Janae!
I had this huge wave of guilt and shame go over me right after I blogged about my weekend… the things that are so meaningless when compared to an event like this.
I will be praying for the families who were so heavily affected.

Reply

We all cope differently. Thank God that He is the protector of those babies now.

Reply

Beautifully said.

Reply

love this

Reply

Seriously?! Why didn’t “He” protect them before they got shot????

Reply

“He” didn’t cause this….there is good (HE) and there is bad (Evil)….Evil, pure and simple caused this!

Reply

Right. And he is powerless to stop it.

Reply

Yea, this event is the worst I’ve felt about a tragedy since 9/11. Just awful. My hope is that this may result in new gun control legislation to help prevent this from happening again. If something like this can’t spur new legislation, then nothing will.

Reply

While I agree that stricter gun control laws would help prevent something as devestating as this from happening again, I think it would only treat the symtoms and not get to the root cause. We need new legislation that helps people with mental health problems instead of taking the easy/cheap way out and putting them in jail. I think we all can agree that SOMETHING needs to change in this country.
RIP Little Angels.

Reply

**devastating (oops!)

Reply

I agree with you that mental illness needs to be better dealt with in this country. My main point is that it seems like by taking away the tool used to commit most mass murders in this country (guns), it would solve a lot of problems. In my perfect world, no one would have a gun except for the police and military. And the penalties for possessing a gun in the US would be massive (like a 5-10 year prison sentence or something). Copying the policies of UK, Australia or Japan is a good model, where they have very little gun related homicides. So I’m really curious to see what Obama and our congressmen/senators do in the next couple months. Because in the end, they are the main one’s that can change things in the this country. Will the gun lobby win again? Or will our leaders stand up and take action? We will see. The 27 people killed in Newtown stand as what can happen in a country where it’s way to easy to get a gun.

Reply

“Taking my gun away because I might shoot someone is like cutting my tongue out because I might yell `Fire!’ in a crowded theater.”
— Peter Venetoklis

“A woman who demands further gun control legislation is like a chicken who roots for Colonel Sanders.”
–Larry Elder

“Don’t think of it as `gun control’, think of it as `victim disarmament’. If we make enough laws, we can all be criminals.”
– – Jeff Snyder

“To disarm the people… was the best and most effectual way to enslave them.”
— George Mason, speech of June 14, 1788

The world is filled with violence. Because criminals carry guns, we decent law-abiding citizens should also have guns. Otherwise they will win and the decent people will lose.
— James Earl Jones

Reply

Violence brings only more violence. Do you want to turn your country into a battlefield where everyone can carry a gun and use it whenever feels threatened?
Health provision, better education, a well planned economy against unemployment and poverty, these are the solutions, not to walk around as an armed terminator.

Reply

So true. There are so many variables in these horror stories but the one constant is an unmanaged, and sometimes undiagnosed, mental illness. We need to shift the focus from the weapons to the people.

I still can’t wrap my head around the details. Between the fact that they were kids and the shaky news reporting during the first 12 hours…I’m just, I’m at a loss. I can only hope that the families find solace in this time and that we, as a nation, do not allow their lives to be taken in vain. We must do something to prevent this from happening again.

Reply

The pictures of the innocent happy kids….those are the hardest to look at….

Reply

I have no kids of my own, no little cousins or nieces of nephews, yet this tragedy has hit me so incredibly hard. I can’t even begin to imagine the overwhelming pain and nightmare the families must be going through. It’s so, so tragic.
Praying.

Reply

Completely agree with you…I’m over in Australia, no children of my own, and have been so shocked and sorry…you don’t need to be a parent to understand grief and loss…this is all so sad and impossible to understand… The world seems so dark and weary….God we beg you to please help these families and to shine your light into this troubled world x

Reply

I couldn’t stop crying on Friday as more and more information came out about what happened. It seems that the clearer the events of that day becomes the worse what happened becomes. They are such sweet little children. I have no words.

Reply

It kind of bothers me how so many people (including the President) seem to be saying this — why in the world would someone think that it only hurts parents? Did this stuff honestly not bother you before you had Brooke? Am I some kind of freak because I cried about it but I don’t have kids so therefore it shouldn’t have been any big deal? Seriously, I get people love their kids — but I don’t believe that only people who have kids feel that kind of love.

Reply

I don’t think it’s meant to be insulting, but I do think it could be a different perspective for parents. I don’t have kids either, but I’m shocked, disgusted, and so very sad.

Reply

I don’t think Janae or the President say things like that in imply that non-parents can’t care or love or feel heartbroken, that’s not the point at all. Of course every human has been rocked by this tragedy and feels love, pain and compassion for those hurt.

However I can say that no until you are a parent you can’t understand the love you have for a child you have created, it’s just different, and can’t be explained until experienced. This is not to say that someone who is not a parent can’t love completely, fully, passionately – it is just to say until you’ve been there you just don’t know. I wouldn’t take offense to these kind of broad statements.

Reply

I completely agree. As if, because I haven’t been able to get pregnant yet, I can possibly be sad about this they way they are. (Janae, so you know, this is no way an attack on you expressing your opinion about if something happened to Brooke. Please don’t take it that way)

Reply

Patty,
I do not take it as an attack at all. I was personally saying that I could not imagine losing Brooke. I completely agree that everyone (parents and non-parents) are all absolutely devastated over what happened.

Reply

Patty:
I pray it happens for you soon. I know all too well that pain of waiting (5 years), I wish you the best!

Reply

I am sorry you misunderstood me. I simply meant that the love that I have for Brooke is a love that I have never felt before and that imagining losing her is the worst thing possible for me. I know that this tragedy affected everyone deeply. I completely agree that people who do not have kids also feel that exact same kind of love for other human beings and are just as hurt over this tragedy.

Reply

I taught kindergarten last year and cannot stop looking at those sweet little faces. It phsycially hurts to think about them. I cannot imagine the pain everyone in Newtown is going through. Our priest gave a good homily yesterday, so that helped a little.

Reply

It is just so darn hard to process. At night during prayers with Ryleigh I am at a loss of words, I don’t know what to say. I think it will continue to hit us all in different ways at different times.

Reply

I just can’t imagine the sadness and loss these families are going through right now. Unspeakable tragedy.

Reply

So well put.. My Aunt and Uncle live in the next town over and my Aunt is a special needs teacher in the neighboring elementary school. My boyfriends cousin has kids that are at the school and luckily are fine but had friends die. I can’t imagine how someone could ever do something so evil, and my prayers are definitely with yours for the families, friends, and everyone affected.. definitely make you hold the ones you love close and appreciate family at Christmas

Reply

My friend’s mom, Mary Sherlach, was the school psychologist that was killed trying to protect the children. We are raising money to create a foundation in her name: http://fundly.com/m/203-pull-it-together

The best thing you can do in times like these is to love one another and try to make something good out of all of the tragedy

Reply

I cannot imagine nor understand such an unthinkable event. Its been on my mind A LOT.

Reply

I completely feel the same way. Hearing about events like this is always sad. But now that I have a son, this shooting made me cry hard. I want to do whatever it takes to protect my son from the evil of the world. I couldn’t Maine not seeing his face at the end of every day.

Reply

I agree it’s horrific. I can’t imagine dropping my son off to school and having it end like this… I am praying that some good somewhere will come out of this tragedy.

Reply

Beautiful!
It hit me hard as well. My mom taught 1st grade for years and I have a first grader. I dedicated my run to the victims this morning. 26 miles for 26 lives.

Reply

That is a great idea Janice!

Reply

I saw this on Facebook this morning. Loved it! It’s sad but helps in a way.

Twas’ 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
When 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven’s gate.
Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
They were filled with such joy, they didn’t know what to say.
They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that …day.
“Where are we?” asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
“This is heaven.” declared a small boy. “we’re spending Christmas at God’s house.”
When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
Then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
And in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
Those children all flew into the arms of their King
And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
One small girl turned and looked at Jesus’ face.
And as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, “I’ll take care of mom and dad.”
Then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
“Let My power and presence re-enter this land!”
“May this country be delivered from the hands of fools”
“I’m taking back my nation. I’m taking back my schools!”
Then He and the children stood up without a sound.
“Come now my children, let me show you around.”
Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
And i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
“In the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT.

~ An Unknown Angel

Reply

Becky,
Thank you so much for this. It was exactly what I needed to read!

Reply

wow, this is beautiful!

Reply

I have literally cried every time I see the news or read a story.I can’t imagine what it must be like. What happened has hurt me so much, words can’t even describe how much sadness there is. What those teachers did at their schools is truly amazing. My heart goes out to all the families and children and friends that this is affecting.

Reply

I completely agree with you about bottling it up until you explode and running in situations like that.. we are a lot alike in that way!

Reply

You are so sweet! I am so upset by the tragedy. It isn’t far from my cousins house. They could have been at that school. I think running is a way that a lot of us cope with tragedy. Keep hugging Brooke and reminding her how much you love her. We all know you do :)

Reply

I’m glad to see you spoke about the tragedy. Part of me lost a lot of respect for bloggers I follow that continued on posting about their days without paying some respect to the children and teachers murdered in Newtown. 20 first graders are never going to hug their loved ones again and it breaks my heart. I live about an hour from Newtown and can’t even imagine how scared the kids must have been. When I dropped my niece off at school today (who is in first grade) I was actually concerned about her safety and prayed. It’s a scary feeling knowing you can’t protect them in school, but comforting to know teachers would shield their students to protect them. Even if it costs them their life.

Reply

I’m glad you posted this. I am a hs teacher now and it is scary to imagine this happening but I do know I would protect the students over myself. I don’t have my own kids but even imagining what it would be like makes me so sad. I don’t know what the answer to this senseless violence is but I think it starts with our mental health system

Reply

I can’t even imagine how much more this tragedy hit moms and teachers, I’m sure you are hugging Brooke extra tight!

Reply

I am so glad you posted about this, Janae. I am not a mom, but I have never been so permanently and profoundly affected by a tragedy. I just can’t stop thinking about it; it is completely incomprehensible to me. They were just babies. Just little, happy, innocent babies. It’s as if I can physically feel my heart breaking every time I think about all of the teachers and children in that school. And it has been on my mind since I first heard about it. Absolutely inconceivable tragedy.

Reply

I don’t know how to cope with this tragedy either. It breaks my heart to think about the little lives that were lost, but I can’t find the right words to express how I feel, so I have a hard time saying anything at all. I don’t know what I can do to show my grief for all those affected, but I do know that things like this should never, ever happen.

Reply

This has really affected me as well. I was on the treadmill when the news broke and was glued to the television all day, crying. I can not imagine the pain the families are experiencing right now.

Reply

I am bottling and not looking forward to the moment it overflows.

Reply

I completely understand where you are coming from – I avoided blogging all weekend because I had no idea how to address this. I spent a lot of time thinking about it and talking with friends and family and thought I was processing it but it definitely didn’t hit me until I pulled up at the elementary school where I teach this morning. Obviously there are really no words for such a tragedy so I will just say we all deal with things differently so I don’t think you owe anyone an apology!

Reply

Beautifully said. We’re all reeling from this.

Reply

It really is so heartbreaking. I am not a mom, but I can only imagine how that must feel…..My heart & prayers go to those suffering

Reply

Thank you for posting about this. Reading your post and all of the comments brings tears to my eyes. I have cried several times since Friday thinking about the tragedy, the innocent victims, and all those affected. I am praying for all of them. I know all too well how it is to go through an incident like this, as I was a freshman at Virginia Tech when the shootings happened there and I lived on the same floor where the first shootings took place in the dorm that morning. Although I cannot imagine the kind of hurt the parents and families of the victims are going through, I know the pain of losing friends and I know the terror the survivors felt that day. It changes you forever and everytime something like this happens it brings it all back. Like you, I also turn to running as a coping mechanism. We need to keep all of them in our thoughts and prayers.

Reply

Wow! Meagan. Thank you so much for your comment and I am truly sorry for what you have gone through. I cannot even imagine what you went through. Thinking about you!

Reply

That is awful that you had to experience the Virginia Tech tragedy. That is the other main tragedy that sticks out in my mind besides Newtown and 9/11.

Reply

..beautiful post.

Reply

Janae, I do the same thing in tough situations – bottle it up until I explode. Yesterday it totally hit me so hard, especially while I was at church. One of our pastors gave a great sermon about how we humans try to find peace by understanding tragedies such as this, but we CAN’T understand them. I am still so devastated, but the sermon definitely gave me a little comfort. Here is the link if you want to listen: http://www.christchurchcville.org/sermons-series/when-the-bad-thing-is-already-happening/

Reply

A co-worker who grew up in CT knew one of the families that lost a cute little girl. I just can’t imagine – they just created their Christmas card before the tragedy. There is a pit in my stomach thinking of how those families must feel.

Reply

Well said.

I agree with what some other have said. How the story effects you is personal, and depends on your perspective. Previous school shootings have been awful and sad. This one, for whatever reason, has just floored me. I wrote about this a bit today – I don’t know if it’s simply because I have a kindergartner, or because we were so, so close to losing her to leukemia, and have had to consider the possibilities… So I understand, in a very small way, the grief those parents hold. It’s terrifying, and paralyzingly. Those poor families, that poor community.

Reply

I am a teacher, wife and aunt who can’t imagine the loss of any child in my life. What took place last Friday is not something I can truly wrap my mind around. The sorrow is overwhelming. I teach in a 3-8th grade school and I was surprised yet relieved that the kids asked few questions today. They were a bit subdued but in general but they still felt like the kids always feel. In a surreal time it was so comforting to have them feel normal. These children whom I dedicate my life to everyday still felt like children and for that I was thankful. My heart and prayers go out to all the families who are forever changed and I hope and pray for solutions to these problems so that all children can grow up and shine in their place in our world.

Reply

I think everyone is devastated by this. My husband has a pretty dangerous job (flying jets for the Air Force) and I made it my goal to have no regrets, no matter what happened. It’s made me a more patient person and more able to focus on what REALLY matters (most of the time– I’m not perfect!). And I think that’s what we are all doing now– hugging our kids more, treasuring our family and friends– like we should all the time. I know I am certainly treasuring my 2 daughters a lot more and an honestly relieved to have my Ruby homw each day from school.

Reply

Hi Janae,

I live in Newtown, and attended Sandy Hook Elementary school. I just wanted to say thank you for keeping my small town in your prayers. We appreciate it, and feel the love coming from all over the world.

Reply

I work at an elementary school, in first grade, and I cannot even imagine. It’s just so sad.

Reply

I’m a teacher too and you’re absolutely right–I have 51 students and I would do anything for each and every one of them….
I’ve found my feelings about the tragedy hit me at random times too, but it’s especially come out during my running. From sprinting hard to nearly crying while on the treadmill, it’s so hard to deal with…I can’t imagine how those families are handling any of this :( Praying hard for them all.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *