Friend to Friend—> On Internet Negativity.

I had a request a while back about doing a friend-to-friend post on internet negativity!  I thought I would share some of my thoughts on this topic and hopefully, you can’t relate too much on negativity in your life but since you are a human, I’m sure you deal with this kind of stuff too!

I remember the first time that I received some pretty harsh comments on one of my blog posts.  It was in the afternoon after a day of teaching and I sat at my desk sobbing.  Not too much later and someone sent me an email including other websites that were talking about me and I read every single thing I could find and it brought complete darkness over me and every aspect of my life.  I started believing many of the things I read about myself and it pulled me so far down.  I cannot even imagine how young people handle the online world now… I was 24 when I was first introduced to the negativity online and it killed me off for a while.

It’s now been over twelve years of blogging and I thought I would share a few things that I’ve done when dealing with online negativity and would love to hear anything that has helped you with negativity in your life.

-Choose what you want in your life (if you can… I know there are some relationships that are a lot harder for people to control than my situation).  It’s been over 10 years now (last time I read was when Brooke was a few weeks old and people were making fun of her in a picture and that is when I made a promise with myself to NEVER ever again get near that stuff) since I read anything about myself online (other than mean things said in a comment on my blog or IG account) and it feels SO so good.  I made the choice to stay away from the negativity I was choosing to read and I’m so glad I did.

-There are still times every now and then where I’ll receive a comment and I’ll cry to Andrew about it and he will remind me that two people’s opinion actually matter and nothing else does.  God’s opinion and our little family (including my own) opinion (so I guess more than two but you get it) are all that matters.   People’s opinions about us are completely out of our control and usually have more to do with themselves than with us.  As long as I am trying my best and God is happy with me, I’m happy.  It isn’t possible to make everyone happy in life and changing ourselves to please others is miserable.  Other people’s opinion of me is none of my business.

-Constructive criticism has also helped me.  I used to do SO much sponsored content and people let me know it was too much. I feel so much better once I backed off of that and felt much more authentic.

-I’ve met a lot of bloggers in real life at this point that I think the world of who I know also get negative comments which makes me realize it’s just part of the job.  In every job there are pros and cons and this is just one of mine but the pros outweigh this one con so much that it keeps me going.

-Get through the DAY.  I almost pulled the plug on my blog once.  It was a little after filing for divorce and I had someone telling me that I deserved my divorce with plenty of reasons why they thought that… I came upstairs to my mom (I was living at their house at the time) and told her I was DONE.  My heart was so broken at the time, I couldn’t take anything else.  My mom told me to just wait until the morning to finalize my decision because at that point I was ready to take down my site (I was receiving a lot of negativity that week).  I got through the day and when I woke up the next morning I was very grateful that I didn’t react right away to the situation.  I love blogging and I learned that day that in a day or a week or a month whatever drama that is happening will blow over and it won’t hurt anymore.  The next day that comment still hurt me but not enough to make a drastic life decision!  I know that if I can just sit on something hard for the rest of the day without reacting, the next morning I will be able to handle it better/smarter.

-Everyone is trying their best.  They truly are.  I remember when I used to have students that would really cause a lot of problems in my classroom and as soon as I learned more about their life outside of my classroom, the more I just wanted to give them a hug and I understood why they were doing what they were doing.  Everyone out there is suffering with something or dealing with some sort of life problem and we are all trying our best.  I really stink at my job/life when I am dealing with some life problems that I can’t blog about but I can honestly say at those points I am trying my best.  I think the majority of humans are really trying hard to do what they can.  I have to remember that with internet negativity, I have no idea what they are going through.

-I go for a run.  Running solves most of life’s problems for me so I’ll just keep doing that for the next 70 years.

-I’ve started setting up a lot of boundaries (what’s okay and what’s not okay) in my life and my little family’s life and it is AMAZING.  Life changing when it comes to negativity.  Why I didn’t start doing this years ago, I do not know.  I do it for my blog (boundary= I’ll delete mean comments ((there are other places for people to say mean things about me where I’m not paying the hosting fee ha)) and not read things said about me elsewhere) and real-life relationships (I’ve sent these boundaries in emails…bullet point form even).  Boundaries have changed my life, have taken out SO much negativity and I can’t imagine going back to life without boundaries.   If you need help setting boundaries in your life, work with a therapist and read this book.  I also loved this podcast episode about boundaries!

-Something interesting that I have found about the online world is that it can feel so polarizing.  I feel like it is easier to feel polarized on subjects online vs in real life (hence why I never share online my political stances etc +  who am I to say that we can’t think differently… differences are necessary.  My job is to get you out the door for a run!) BUT we truly all have so much in common.  We are all more alike than we think.  I remind myself that if the person that is hating me online went on a run with me and we really got down to talking about the important stuff together, I can almost guarantee we would be friends.  We would hug and probably cry together over the hard stuff in life.  I remind myself that the screen sometimes dehumanizes each other, but in real life, that would melt away.

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Those of you working right now… what are some of the pros and cons of your job?

How do you handle negativity in your life?  Are you good at setting boundaries?

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50 comments

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I appreciate posts like this because it adds authenticity to your blog. I think everyone can relate to this topic too. My job is not blogging, but I still have to deal with criticism and negativity in the form of things like yearly performance reviews. It is certainly never easy to hear anything negative about yourself, but it’s unavoidable in life. I agree with you that boundaries are SO important!

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Thank you, Ali! That means a lot. It sadly is true… we all get this in our lives. Yearly performance reviews would terrify me… ugggg. Boundaries make everyone’s relationships so much better. Thank goodness for them. I hope you are having a beautiful day!

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It makes me sad to think of people being mean to you. I think you’re awesome! Anyway, I couldn’t agree more about boundaries. I was so clueless for so long about boundaries and am still working to set them. I work for a geriatric physical therapy company. A pro is that I help people and I stay active all day, I love that. A con is that patients have my phone number and sometimes text and call at inappropriate times of the day. Another con is that I’m away from my son during the day. In terms of handling negativity..I pray, sometimes cry and then try to come up with a solution that makes me feel good. I meditate and go for walks. Baths and warm cups of water/coffee always calm me. Most importantly I remember everything I have to be grateful for!!! Anyway, you are the best. Thanks for sharing

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“They” say in teaching, give three positives for each one negative feedback. I’ve been folllowing you since your teaching days, so if today I can “cancel” out even just one of those negative crappy comments, it would be my joy :).
1) you’re a fiercely fast inspiration!!
2) way to keep your head up and move forward!!
3) you have a beautiful family!!

God bless you guys!
<3

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You’re the best janae! I take criticism / negative feedback SO personally (like a patient complaint) – it’s something I’m constantly working on. It’s so hard. I find the only thing that takes the “sting” away is sharing with others in similar positions and hearing about their experiences, and good old time passing. Nevermind people who are just hateful and downright mean. You’re doing an amazing job!

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I still can’t believe people will reply negatively to your blog–you’re one blog I always tell other people about because I enjoy your content and hearing about your runs, families, etc. Don’t let anyone else tell you different!

I do work and sometimes I don’t feel passionate about my job–mainly due to manager and another senior manager on team-but I have to remind myself that there are other good people I work with. However, some days are harder than orders dealing with both unfortunately.

Set your boundaries like you said you have–best decision you will make

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You are the nicest. Thank you, Damarys! That is really hard. I hope that the good days are happening more than the hard days. Boundaries help everyone involved (and I LOVE knowing other people’s boundaries so I don’t overstep with them)! Hope your evening is a great one and thanks again.

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I waste too much on negativity – I comment on newspaper editorial columns, and I’m very very far left, so yeah, I get a lot of that – and I dwell….keep trying not to, but well….and I like a good argument, but the negaitive and name calling stuff…..that’s not that…..my blog is still finding it’s feet so haven’t heard much of that yet, and it seems like just other bloggers are follwing me, so very positive feed back, but I’m sure that’ll change at some point…..I’m semi-retired by working at a Running Room selling shoes, teaching, coaching and leading a couple of weekly run groups, love all of that……I retired from a job where negativity was normal, so a positive change

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Warren, thank you so much for sharing! I LOVED reading about you on your blog. 63 and rocking running. Your run clinics and everything you do is so amazing for our community. I’m grateful for your comments and love hearing from you!

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Oh wow, you’re brave! I avoid almost all editorial/news/post comments at all costs because I find that most are uneducated, non-researched, and just plain ‘ol mean!

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This is such an uplifting post for being about negativity, hah. I’ve often wondered how you have such “thick skin” while still being so kind and open with your life online. I admire your authenticity and bravery. Thank you for sharing your spirit with us <3

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Thank you, Sarah! That means a whole lot to me. My skin has thickened quite a lot… unless it comes to how I am as a mother or wife (not sure my skin will ever thicken with that ha). Thank you, have the best day!

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I’ve never commented on your blog before but I just have to now! I can’t believe anyone would say anything negative about you! You are such a positive delightful inspiration! Thank you for your consistently positive content that encourages your readers to work hard and be kind to themselves.

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You are so nice! Thank you so so much. I am so grateful for this community. It has changed my life for the best. Have a beautiful day, Susan!

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My job is stressful and I have my share of negativity. When I went through my divorce God knows what people said about me….There were friendships that I was happy to let go of…..

In life I have literally and figuratively learned to sit on my hands. I don’t respond in the moment, like you not taking down your blog that day. I have found that has made a huge difference.

For me, running has saved me. Whenever life gets hard, I run. It always helps me to clear my mind and look at things with a new perspective.

Thanks for sharing!

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I’m a college professor and my job depends on student evaluations. Don’t even get me started on Rate My Professor. The past three years have been impossible. Changing from in person to online and back again and again. Student preparedness and motivation is at an all time low. I feel like I do cartwheels and dance on my head just to get the tiniest bit of engagement. It’s exhausting and demoralizing. So negative “reviews” sting even that much more.

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Another professor here and I just want to say I feel you!!! I read my reviews once on Rate My Professor and started crying. My husband reminded me that people only leave reviews if they have an ax to grind, but man, it hurts so much when I am seriously trying SO hard to help my students succeed.

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I don’t have any answers but I’m right there with you. Considering a different job if things don’t improve soon. I used to love this job and now I can’t see myself making it much longer with the toll it takes on me.

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I am also a college professor and feel exactly the same way about the negative evaluations coming both from students and administrators. It’s rough out there. Sending you my compassion and solidarity.

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I am sure you are all incredible professors and helping so many students. I want to give you all a hug right now. This is so so tough.

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Loved this post Janae.

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I am so grateful to you! You’ve always been so supportive and I remember the first time you commented… I fan girled over you:)

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I just heard you referred to on Another Mother Runner Podcast – the person gushed about you, which you deserve. I enjoy reading what you write every morning – always a positive start. I am glad you have learned to navigate the internet trolls.

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WOW! I will have to listen. Thank you so much for being my friend. It means the world to me. Happy Tuesday, Janice!

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You are a real one, and so unfalteringly positive. Thank you for sharing.

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Thank you, Delia! That means a lot. I hope you are having a beautiful day!

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You know better than a lot of people I know — putting yourself out there is hard. And it’s vulnerable. While your intentions are always to share, to be helpful, and to inspire (I believe most of us really believe that), there will be people with their minds set on judgement rather than curiosity. And that’s okay. Like you (errrrrmmm, Andrew lol) said, only the people in *your World* and their opinion truly matter. *You and your family’s journey* are a blessing; that’s all I know.

I know that over many years, I’ve learned so much from you. I’ve reflected with you, I’ve tried new foods because of you, and I’ve learned to get out there and face some amazing goals because of your words. I promise you that you’ve affected so many people in a wonderful way.

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Thanks for sharing! I cannot believe some of the things people say online..they probably wouldn’t dare to say it to someone in real life.

I try to remember that someone’s negativity is a reflection of their own internal turmoil and misery and not about you or I. Usually helps a bit!

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Janae! What a lovely post today! This internet stuff gets SO intense and I cannot imagine how overwhelming that can be when it is also your livelihood. I really don’t even exist much online at all and still then for the little bit I am online I can get so sucked into the one up game that is played and feel very down for a bit. So I have really no idea where I was going with this but I do want to tell you the deep respect I have for you and your posts as you keep it classy and real at the same time. And that is an absolute talent. Take care, Janae! You are one of the very few reasons I allow myself to engage in the online world.

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Thanks for acknowledging the sponsored content. There is a HUGE difference now and it’s so much more pleasant to read your blog. Great work!

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Love your words as always!!
I am telling myself a few things at work (hospital!):
1 I am seeing patients on some of their worst days.
2 Everyone has a beating heart and a mother. See them as someone special and important.

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I’ve been here since the beginning and am glad you are still here!

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Thank you for sharing your strategies for dealing with the negativity and to set boundaries. That can be important in in-person life as well. I always appreciate your openness and have appreciated all your kind comments – especially when I was having rough days.

I’ve been at the same company for over 15 years. I recently have been made a manager and it has been both stressful and fantastic. Luckily I work with great people which makes it so much more enjoyable.

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I have followed you for years and what I really love about you is that you manage to stay so humble as you share your incredible running successes. You are unfailingly positive and incredibly likable, which isn’t always the case in the social media world! Plus it’s obvious you truly care about others. Loved your mature and generous perspective on negativity. Thanks for all that you share – you are a light!

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So true – the negative nellies must be dealing with a lot !

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I’m so sorry you had to go through all that negativity. Your blog has always been a highlight for me because you are so positive and real! I never understood how people could spread negativity online about people they don’t know either. I ended up deleting all my social media because the negativity got to me. I’m so much happier without it and it makes me spend more time catching up with friends and family in other ways!

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I bought bucket feet shoes because of you. 4 pairs !!! I have loved them. Thanks for all you do You are appreciated by so many Jenn

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I can’t imagine putting my life online the way you do, but I am very thankful that you do it for me :) I have been reading your blog for so long and can tell you that even though we’ve never met, I always feel like I’m meeting with a friend for 5-10 minutes every day when I catch up on Janae and family. You inspire me to run better, and be the best mom I can be. You also seem like the most lovely, caring, kind person in the world — I cannot imagine finding something about you or your blog to speak negatively about!
Not to mention, you have owned mistakes (speed bumps?) from the past — meaning, if I look back at your blog from years ago, I can see maybe some unhealthy eating habits combined with lots and lots of running. You never suggested to any of us that we do exactly what you do, and you now own that you were struggling with an eating disorder at the time.
I appreciate your vulnerability. You definitely don’t owe the haters anything. I’m glad to hear you don’t even bother with them anymore. Hugs to you, friend!!

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You’re an amazing person Janae, I’ve followed your blog since you were pregnant with Brooke and I know you’ve been through a lot but you’ve always been able to remain positive and continue to be kind and inspire people every day. You’re one of the reasons I got into running actually, and I’ve learned so much from you over the years, so thank you! But not only for the running part, but for being a positive light and a happy place to come to on the internet. I’m very glad you didn’t stop your blog because I’ve enjoyed following you and your wonderful family and wish the best for you all! :)

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I can’t remember where I read or heard it from but any time someone around me is projecting negativity I say to myself “I do not receive nor accept your negativity” and somehow that helps to put a little forcefield around me 99% of the time so that it doesn’t get me down in the dumps!

For my son who sometimes gets grumpy before school I try to get him to do the wiggles and jump out of the bad mood-just be as silly as possible. As he gets older he thinks I am weirder and weirder, but some times it works! lol

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Thank you for posting something at just the right time…as I am trying to remain classy and calm (and not reactive) in a negative work environment. I constantly let my anger and reactivity get the best of me and I have found email is my “trigger” for ginning up those big waves of emotions that I have a hard time controlling. Deleting it from my phone has helped me create a better boundary between work life and my personal/family life.

I have always appreciated how gracefully you have handled really tough life situations while remaining in the public (social media) gaze. You are a courageous person in my book because I do not know that I would have had the emotional reserves to stay so strong. Thank you for being a good role model to me <3

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I’d love to know what podcast you linked to. I don’t have Amazon music so it’s not showing me the series/title. Thanks!

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Oh I am sorry I linked it that way! It is an amazing episode: How to Set & Hold Boundaries with Melissa Urban on Glennon Doyle’s podcast. SO SO good. Let me know what you think!

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Hi Janae! Great post! I’m glad that you didn’t stop blogging, your blog brings me so much joy and it’s part of my day to read it now! You’re right that setting boundaries is the way to go. I work as an engineer, I’ve definitely worked with people in the past who were trying to tear me down based on my age/gender before. When the attacks feel so personal like that, especially at a job you rely on to make money it is so terrifying. I feel like I only had a tiny taste of what you go through. So you are very brave and awesome job staying positive this whole time!
Thanks again for the post!

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This is a great post, Janae! I haven’t received a lot of negative comments on my blog (my following is much smaller than yours!) but they hurt. I always have Les read them and he finds a way to point out that the problem isn’t me, but the person commenting. I am really glad that I didn’t have online access as a teen or young adult. It can be so toxic, especially to young, impressionable minds.

I don’t know if you’ve ever read “The Law of the Garbage Truck” (https://mcmomentsandmemories.blogspot.com/2011/08/law-of-garbage-truck.html) but I love it. Sometimes other people’s garbage just spews out on us. I started reading about a month before Brooke was born and was so sad when you were going through your divorce. I can’t even imagine piling on someone when they are already hurting so much.

As my mom told us (probably on a daily basis!) “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” It really is a great policy.

Thank you for being such a positive, bright light.

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I love this post so much! Thank you for bringing your perspective.

Pros of my job: I work with teenagers every day and they are the funniest creatures on earth. I get holidays and summer off with my family and husband. I love seeing kids learn.
Cons: teenagers (and their parents) can be mean. Politics in education can suck.

Setting boundaries is so so important. It’s also important for me to understand that people have different backgrounds/stories than I do and while they are entitled to their perspective, I don’t have to let their perspective negatively impact me. Also, when I have a negative thought about someone else, I try to think of 3 positive things about them.

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This is a great post! You are always so positive and have a great attitude to life.
I followed you for years now and you’ve been such an inspiration for my running.
Love the perspective of other’s negative attitude and thoughts reflecting difficulties in their lives… not yours. I think this perspective come with age, contentment with your life and amazing achievements. Keep up the great work Janae xx

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It would be so incredibly hard to hear negative things about yourself or your situation, I can’t even imagine how tough it would be reading the awful comments people would comment on your children. I am very happy you did not take down your blog as I have been a long time reader and feel you have done such a great job to be open, honest, positive and encouraging of others. Thank you for sharing this.

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You have been an absolute delight to follow for at least a decade. We are besties. At least to me. I’ve been sad when your sad and celebrate when I see how far you’ve come. I’m so happy for your success and very happy you didn’t quit.

My thoughts on negativity online is: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all! It’s helped me a lot since the pandemic and suddenly the world became medical genius’s.

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This is such a great post. I feel so badly that you were hurt by Internet trolls early in your blogging career. I was honestly happy to have a blog that no one read for ten years. I really love that you have learned so much throughout this process, and I appreciate that you shared your vulnerability with us all. When people make negative comments – it’s 100% about THEM 100% of the time. I know it can be hard to keep that in mind. One person once told me I didn’t want to have children because my mom didn’t want to raise me. I brushed it off, but seriously, who says that!?

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