And we are at the 23 week mark this week!
*It’s kind of a strange thing to be sitting down and feeling a bit out of breath. Walking up the stairs requires a rest at the top because I’m so out of breath. It’s weird because I don’t feel that way at all with running but throughout the day I get random out of breath moments.
*44 miles last week! Andrew and I have a 12k this weekend that I’m looking forward to. I’m just going to keep on running while I can!
*My love of a good hot dog has disappeared (same thing for hamburgers and steaks etc) but Brooke is still going strong with the hot dog love these days.
*Early (I’m talking early) to bed and early to rise are the key to my levels of energy right now.
*I can still definitely tie my shoes but it just doesn’t feel super great to bend over to do it… thank you Andrew.
*Grapes and cottage cheese are still a thing, grilled cheese, soup, pancakes, mangoes and tacos are my number one. I still have no desire for candy. I had some on Saturday and immediately regretted my decision because I did not feel good afterwards. Also, I’m starting to feel full a lot faster than normal so I’m just eating more frequently.
*Almost at the 6 month mark! Isn’t it funny how pregnancy feels like it goes by so fast when it is somebody else’s pregnancy and then when it is i your own… it feels like slow motion ha.
*I miss stomach sleeping. My plantar fasciitis doesn’t (I swear that is what causes mine.. I wrote about that here) but sleeping on my left side each night isn’t my favorite. I can’t complain because I have been sleeping amazingly… I am really lucky!
We had our big ultrasound appointment (that I already told you a bit about in the previous post) at 21 weeks but I thought I would share a little more from that day. If anything I want to share this to be able to journal it for myself and hopefully be able to help anyone else that has felt anything like what I felt in previous years.
As I was laying on the table during this ultrasound at 21 weeks pregnant in the dark room with Andrew at my side I was overwhelmed with gratitude. A gratitude that I can’t even describe because it was gratitude for something that I wanted for years (there are others that go through WAY WORSE but I’m just saying this was hard on me) more than anything else on the planet. I told you this a few weeks ago but I had a miscarriage when Brooke was about 10 months old and the pain and heartache that comes with miscarriage is beyond painful. I wish that no one ever had to experience that and it was obviously a very dark time for me. From there I was separated and then divorced for a few years before meeting Andrew. During those years I experienced so much hopelessness. While being married and having children isn’t the key to happiness (I had many lessons to learn over those years about how to love myself and be happy on my own)… being married and having children is something that every ounce of my soul longed for (and it is a beautiful thing that our souls all long for different things… I just wanted to share what I personally wanted more than anything). I love family, I love relationships and I wanted so badly to be able to have a husband and more children. With each dating circumstance not working time after time, I grew hopeless for a while. I just began to think it wasn’t in the cards for me to get married again (and my self-confidence after my divorce didn’t help my hopeless feelings either). I came to terms that maybe another little one wasn’t in the picture for me. I was going to love my life with Brookers, and that I did. Not long after I grew so much love for the life I had, I met Andrew and we got married two months later but there were definitely some years where I struggled with feeling like it wasn’t going to happen.
Picture from before the ultrasound… pretty sure all of my eyelashes fell off during the ultrasound.
Then as I sat there during the ultrasound and I saw our new little girl’s beautiful lips and nose, the tears started streaming. I’m sure that the ultrasound tech just thought that it was my hormones causing the tears but there was so much more to those tears. There were years built into those tears of praying to be able to be married and have more children. There were tears all along the way (along with many happy days too) to this point with the strong desire to build a family together with a wonderful man all while feeling so alone each night once I put Brooke to bed. Those tears that day at my ultrasound were full of feeling so incredibly thankful for the chance to experience this beautiful thing with Andrew. Those 45 minutes or so of staring at our little girl on the screen meant more to me than I can express. I can’t even imagine what the day is going to feel like when she is born or when I see Andrew holding her or when Knox and Brooke meet her for the first time.
All in all I just wanted to share that we all feel hopeless at times. We all have situations that happen to us that are completely out of our control. Life isn’t perfect for anyone but it is beautiful. I think God knew exactly what I needed to learn during those years (and I’m not saying life is perfect now… there are new struggles of course:). I think He wanted me to truly appreciate the blessings he had up ahead for me and I’m grateful for the growth that came along the way. You are never alone even when it feels like you completely are, there is so much good up ahead.
Have anything mushy to share about life, pregnancy, hope… anything at all? I love a good story!!