Eating Disorder Talk:

It really never was about the food.  It was always about control.  It was me scrambling to feel loved.  It was a way to avoid thinking about the hard stuff because I was too busy thinking about what I did/didn’t eat, what I was going to eat next and how the heck I was going to lose ‘just’ 5 more lbs.  But then after I lost those 5 lbs I wanted to lose more and more to the point that my mom would cry when she saw me because she was so worried.

Over the last few years I have really strayed from bringing up my past eating problems because of previous emails/comments I received for still being disordered but.. I’m at the point in life where once again, all that matters to me is what God thinks about me and what I know about myself and I know I have been and that I am in a good place with food/weight that I could care less if somebody else on the internet thinks I have a problem.  BUT I think it is beneficial to share and open up more about it because there are a crazy amount of women out there struggling and searching for a way out of their food problems.  I don’t have the answers, I just want you to know that you aren’t alone and that there is hope and a lot of great things in store for you.

I think there are many factors that helped me to dig out of my disordered eating habits.  #1 Brooke.  I don’t know what it is about that little girl, but she changed me.  The second I found out I was pregnant my brain went into—>  DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO ENSURE SHE IS HEALTHY and well-taken care of.  Once I had her I decided that being a healthy example for her was one of my biggest goals because the thought of her struggling with this problem makes me sick and example is everything.  I think age has helped me to realize who I am and my worth.  I think not being in the relationship I was in has helped.  I think my therapist/nutritionist (pre-blog years) helped for the problem. I think spending more time on my relationship with my Savior has made all the difference.   I think attempting to focus my days on serving my people rather than myself all day has helped.  I think hitting rock bottom and seeing how badly I was treating my body (a bone scan at the time showed that I had osteopenia… I think I was like 25?!? and two femoral stress fractures) started the change.

So where am I at now?  To be honest, I don’t even let myself go down that road for .01 miles because while I know I’m in a different place than before—>  Eating disorders, like any addictions, can be easy to relapse and so I stay FARRRRRR away from anything that can trigger me.  Obsessing about calories, thinking about food too much, weighing myself, striving for perfection in my eating, cutting out certain food groups, following blogs/IG accounts that promote unhealthy behaviors, entertaining thoughts that I need to lose weight etc—> I run the other direction.  While I don’t think a relapse is going to ever happen to me again… why play with fire for even just a second?  I’ve come to understand my body a little bit more and I know that my clothes are always tighter when I’m not in training mode and that things fit again once I’m running like normal again… there is absolutely no reason for drastic measures.  Of course I have days where I don’t feel comfortable about my body but I’m trying to look through windows more than mirrors… does that make sense?  On those days I really focus on looking through a window at other people and my relationships rather than focusing on a mirror (metaphorically) and my looks/body all day long.

To be honest again, I’m still kind of amazed that I made it through my divorce without a relapse (thank you Brookie for keeping me grounded in all areas during that dark time).  Life was completely out of my control and my self-esteem took a major hit but I figured out how to cope finally without food.  I figured out that prayer can pretty much dig me out of any rut.  I probably coped a little too much with my running (oh extremes, I just have a thing for you).  I take baths, I talk to people about my feelings (what a strange concept for me back in my early twenties), I read, I wrote letters (you wouldn’t believe how many letters to people I have written when I needed to let out my anger but then never sent them), I write blog posts that never get published or quite extensive writing sessions in my journal.  I go and stare at my little girl in the eyes and more peace comes over me than I can explain in words.  I cope.  I feel (oh that reminds me, I have a blog post about this one I should put up).  I cry, I process and then I move on with life without letting food/size/weight/my body take over my thoughts.

As far as nutrition goes… MY personal definition of healthy eating that is tailored for ME (can you get the point that I think each person has a different definition) is to eat plenty of fruits, veggies, dairy, protein, fats, grains and when I want a treat, I absolutely eat it.  I think for a few years I went a little bit crazy on my sugar intake but after years of denying myself treats (before the blog I once went 2 years without eating any sugar…) and then I went crazy on the stuff.  I went overboard and my body was so all over the place for treating it the way that I did that I went crazy with the sugar.  I think I have finally hit somewhere in the middle now.  I don’t crave it like I used to but I eat it when it is around.  I just eat now.  My meals are pretty much the same each day until dinner time (creature of habit?) but if I want spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner… why the heck wouldn’t I?  If ice cream is in my freezer and I’m watching a movie in bed at 11 pm, you better believe I’ve got a bowl of it with me as I watch.  I truly love healthy meals and vegetables so I’m not worried about not getting enough nutrients and so there is plenty of room for the foods that I labeled ‘NOOOOOOOO’ for many many years.

There are days that I’m starving all day and I eat like I have a bottomless pit for a stomach and then there are days that I literally don’t think about food until I’m thinking about what to make Brooke for her meal.  It’s just food.  It tastes delicious and it fuels my day but it doesn’t control me and my eating habits most definitely don’t define me or make me good or bad.

I think that pretty much everyone deals with anxiety to some degree.  I think a big part of my eating disorder was also a way for me to deal with my anxiety if that makes sense?  Most of the time now I deal with it pretty well but then there are times in life where I feel like I can’t breathe, or I literally can’t stop worrying, or if I don’t do something PERFECT, I think my whole world will unravel.  And this is why I love running.  There are other methods that help me out when I feel anxious but my favorite one is running.  I feel like the sweat during a hard run is just all of my worries escaping my body.  I think with each mile I worry less and realize more that things always work out just the way they are supposed to.  I know for sure that there are many days where my mind rests the more and more my heart beats faster due to my legs pounding the cement and my arms swinging.

You know how your heart breaks especially for people that go through things that you’ve once been through in the past?  You understand exactly the pain and the suffering they are going through and you just want to take it away from them?  This is what happens to me anytime I hear from a woman struggling with an eating disorder/disordered eating/body image issues.  My heart truly breaks for them.  I just want to hug them and take every ounce of pain far far away from them.  I can’t do that (man, I wish I could) but I do know there is help.  I do know that now is the best time to start the process towards healing whether that be making your people aware of your pain and allowing them to help you and most definitely seeking professional help.  I know that we’ve got one body and we’ve gotta take the best care of it that we can.  I know that we have too much potential and too many great things to experience in this life ahead of us that just aren’t possible when struggling with an eating disorder that takes over our thoughts and health.

I know that our worth is indescribable and that a silly number on the scale could never even begin to define the type of friend/mom/sister/daughter/grandma/neighbor/employee/wife/girlfriend that we are.

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For once I don’t know how to end a blog post but I will say, you’ve got this.  Keep on trying.  We’re all in this together.

Feel free to open up about any exercise, food struggles you have had in the past (or if you want to share what you struggle with now too) and what has helped you!  Has the scale ever been a problem for you?  Ever been obsessed with calories?

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153 comments

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Such a great post – thanks for sharing, Janae.

LOVE your new blog design!

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You are seriously amazing. Wow. Your authenticity is admirable.

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So so proud of you for sharing this and opening up to help others. I know that must be hard for you. You are a great example to so many struggling female runners. I admire you and your strength. Xoxo!

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This post is SO important.
Thank you for being strong, brave, and you.
Perhaps, you were born for such a time as this.

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So many of us go through similar experiences so I think it’s great to talk about it! I had my share of body/food issues back in high school and then a bout with an addiction to running a couple of years ago. I feel like at this point it really is in the past and it’s a huge relief to leave it there and actually face life, as scary as it can be! I hope to be able to speak openly about it with my daughters because that’s definitely something that I worry about with them.

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For sure can relate to this. I was the same way when I was in high school/college. There were so many things I had no control over that food was one that I did. I think part of it is growing up and realizing that what I look like isn’t so important and part is being in a stable relationship with my husband, who loves me no matter what I look like. I still have things that trigger me, but I know I eat healthy most of the time and I enjoy the things that I like, whether they are healthy or not! Sleeping well helps me alot. My mind is in a better place when I’m not deprived on sleep. And running of course helps! No matter how I’m feeling, a run always make me feel better. Thanks for sharing this!

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Thank you so much for sharing. This can be such a difficult thing that so many people deal with, and I know it probably helps so many women out there to hear about your experience. I used to worry about my body when I started running in high school because I thought there was this “runner’s body” that we all had to have. It took a few years for me to realize that we don’t have to look a certain way to run. Life is about love and experiences and people, and it’s a challenge to fully be part of all of those when we are constantly worrying about our bodies. Thank you for that reminder.

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Thanks for sharing, Janae. I struggled with an eating disorder for years as well and I felt so alone. I wish blogs had been more of a thing back then so I could have read about other women who struggled but made it through recovery. Sure, there were times where I didn’t even want to think about recovery, I just wanted to keep on going down the dark path. But then there were plenty of times when I wanted to reach out for help but I didn’t know how or I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I think if I had blog posts like this one to read it would have really helped me get help earlier.

BTW I had a busy weekend and wasn’t able to check in – love the new blog design! It’s beautiful!

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It’s so amazing of you to share your story. It’s so hard to put out there but I’m sure your story will have a hugely positive impact on someone.

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You’re so brave putting your story out there. I struggled with calorie counting and obsessive scale checking back in my early 20s. It was not fun letting the scale dictate if i was going to have a “good” day or a “bad” day. I don’t keep a scale in my house anymore and i have a much better relationship with food. I like the way you said “eating habits don’t define me.” That’s such a smart, powerful statement. I love this.

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What a powerful way to start a Monday morning! Thank you for opening up about your struggles with eating disorders and being so candid with what’s going on in your head. I’ve been lucky to not have any big problems with eating or exercise addiction, and hope that everyone who’s struggling can find the strength that you did or find someone to help them! <3

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Wow, this is amazing and couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ve struggled with disordered eating for years and was 102 pounds in college. For the most part, I am in a good place right now, but every once in a while (like this past month) I’ve been stuck on trying to eat clean and not eat my beloved sweets. This leaves me starving by the weekend and craving what I’ve deemed “off limits”. I cave and eat A LOT of ice cream, candy, etc, and I feel horrible about myself afterwards. Then I look at social media and feel even worse when I see what this person ate yesterday or how many inches this person lost. In fact, this is how I’m feeling as I woke up today and this blog post is just the reminder I needed. If we focus on what’s really important in life, everything will be ok. Thank you friend. ?

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Thank you Janae! Such an important topic. “I think a big part of my eating disorder was also a way for me to deal with my anxiety” : Yes! That’s totally me! Munching on things (especially crispy salty things) is so comforting when I am worried. I haven’t found a way to completely change this behaviour but running/any exercise/yoga do help. I’m a perfectionist so it’s hard sometimes to accept me as I am, instead of what I’d want me to be… Work in progress ;-)

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That window mirror metaphor is so spot on! Thanks for sharing. I have major body issues. Gonna look through the window more.

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One of the best posts you have written. Thank you for sharing your story.

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Thank you so much for sharing your story. I struggled with an eating disorder at the end of my freshmen year of college and running is what helped me overcome it. I still struggle with those negative thoughts occasionally (not so much the behavior) but something that has really been helping me is practicing mindfulness. By living in the present, I am able to focus on the things in my life that truly matter to me (family, boyfriend, roommates) and forget about those ‘fantasy thoughts.’

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Oh Janae, I was tearing up while reading this post, so thank YOU for sharing so openly and honestly. I too have struggled with disordered eating, and there are so many women out there that I personally know that have as well. There is so much pressure on women with all of the media out there to live up to these impossible standards. Running really pulled me out of it actually, I knew I needed to fuel properly in order to run the way I wanted to run. I was also always terrified of when I got pregnant because I knew I’d have to put on weight and after losing so much of it, was scared to watch the number on the scale creep back up. And its funny, but just like you, things clicked as soon as I found out I was preggo. Sure, its a struggle trying to get that weight off now, but it doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I know it will come off if I keep running and eating right. And I’m so grateful to my body for carrying and then birthing my beautiful daughter.

Have a great day lady, and keep it coming with your open and honest insights! <3

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Sometimes I feel on the verge of disordered thinking. Like the last time I weighed myself, I was bummed out the number wasn’t lower after three months of half marathon training. I’d basically stayed the same, and even though I feel more fit than ever before, plus my clothes fit better, the number bummed me out. So I haven’t weighed myself in a month and I am trying to focus on how I feel, not a number. And I’m definitely aware of how much I eat in comparison to how much activity I’ve done. I think some awareness is good; I just want to be careful that my thinking never changes into feelings of guilt about what I eat, etc. I absolutely use running to manage my anxiety, which is great, but I am cautious that a fit lifestyle can be an easy way to go overboard to try to control things in life. It’s a balancing act.

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Thank you for this post! I struggled with eating disorders on and off for ten years. I obsessively counted calories and weighed myself multiple times a day. I got so thin I grew extra thick hair on my body and was freezing cold all the time (living in Florida). A good friend got me to go to therapy in college after a bad relapse left me passed out at a party. I had to see a dr as part of my recovery program. She told me if I didn’t keep my weight up I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. That scared me. Shortly after, I did get pregnant even though I was still really thin. But once pregnant, all I did was focus on my baby. She’s now 11 yrs old. I’ve had two other babies. My youngest is 5. And I don’t obsess about my weight or starve myself. I want my kids to see a healthy relationship with food so I try my best!

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This is such a great post and so timely.

I lost my period for about 8 years because I was so underweight and finally got it back this year. While my mom, doctor, and my friends are thrilled about it (because it means I’m finally starting to get healthy again) … It’s been such a struggle both emotionally and physically. I’m trying to keep telling myself that having a period is normal and necessary … But in the back of my mind, I can’t help but still feel like I’ve gained too much weight and/or I’m not running enough. They’re terrible thoughts and I’m working to clear them everyday.

Thank you for sharing your story!!

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I’m really proud of you for opening up about this Janae. I know so many of your readers can benefit from this and look up to you as a role model.

When I worked with those with disorders, it was never about appearance but the control they had. More times than not, Like you they had lost control in other aspects of their life.

You are an incredible woman and do inspirational.

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Excellent post!
I have struggled with a disorder and disordered eating in the past (Emily here, not Todd;)). While I feel that it is always a journey and, as you said, there is always a chance of relapse, I am also at the place where I do not think about calories except in the since that I want to make sure I am getting enough to recover from my workouts. I used to rule out nuts and nut butter of all kinds, b/c I thought it had too much fat!!! I cannot imagine this insanity now b/c nuts are so good for runners. It truly does come down to balance and understanding one’s own weak areas. For me, I make a point to not focus on too much of anything in terms of “health” or I can easily end up in a bad place.
Keep setting your positive example, Janae, and thanks for being so open!

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Two things! Thank you for sharing this. I constantly get in the struggle of wanting to lose 5 more pounds or thinking if I were just 5 pounds lighter everything would be better. But life doesn’t work that way and if I want ice cream, then I eat the ice cream! And as long as I’m happy and have my amazing friends/family around, I have everything I need.

Also, I love your new blog design! It looks great! :)

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Thank you for sharing Janae. I’m really proud of you. When I was younger I used to deprive myself of the ‘fun’ eats thinking that thinner was better. I admired the girls that had long, lean, skinny legs. I learned to appreciate my runner legs over time. I appreciated how strong they were – how they powered me up hills & carried me across many finish lines. I’m looking forward to my 40’s. I feel more secure & confident with who I am. I don’t sweat or obsess over the things I can’t change. I realize that there are so many more things to put value & importance on than a dumb number on a scale. I eat to run instead of running to eat. Food is fuel & I don’t put restrictions on the good stuff anymore. Everything in moderation. It makes me happy to hear that you’re in a much better place now my friend. I wish I could give you a big hug!!! xoxo p.s. – you’re gorgeous, a good mommy, runner, friend & human being

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Thank you for this smart, honest post.

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You’re awesome Janae. Your blog gets better and better.

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This may be your best post yet! I have friends who struggle with eating disorders and it is hard for me to watch. I feel so lucky that I have never dealt with this issue, despite a long history of trauma growing up. I think you’re right that we all have anxiety or at least some other mental health issue, and we all cope differently. As a result of my past, I struggle to express my feelings/ask for help, but I’m working on this every day. Instead of pretending to be happy when I’m not, I try to keep it real now. It’s hard because I wonder if people won’t like me if I’m not pleasant, but the important ones have stuck around so far <3 it's amazing what can happen once we identify faulty beliefs. I'm also a therapist, so this topic seriously interests me. Thank you for being so honest!

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Wonderful post. Thank you for sharing with us. And yes to unfollowing the unhealthy accounts on social media. They can start to brainwash people into thinking something is normal when it’s not

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Thank you so much for the post, and I absolutely love the mirror/ window metaphor. That is perfect. I have struggled with disordered eating since I was a kid. I’ve gone through every phase you can imagine. Restricting, cutting out entire food groups, constantly obsessing, not being able to pass a mirror without tearing apart my body/ looking at my stomach/ looking at my thighs… I am incredibly insecure about my body and the scale holds a ridiculous amount of control over me. You’re blog has actually been such an inspiration to me. In recent months I have been really working to stop obsessing so much…. it’s not easy and I am definitely not there yet, but I have come a long way. I work out, keep the majority of my meals healthy… and if I want a treat I have it (though I am still working on finding that balance between either restricting completely or going overboard.) I have 2 daughters (2 & 4) and one of my biggest worries (even before they were born) was passing my food/ body issues onto them. And as much as I told myself I would change for them, it’s sometimes easier said than done- food and body issues run deep :-/ Anyways, I am completely rambling. I guess my point of this comment is just that your blog has helped me begin to find balance in my life more than you know. I will be forever grateful. There are always going to be negative/ bitter people out there who think they are so much better and know so much more than you (the emails you said you were getting), but you truly inspiring and helping people. You have helped me and by extension my 2 girls <3 <3
And PS- The new blog layout looks amazing!

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In the months leading up to my wedding I found myself obsessing about every little piece of food and really forcing workouts that were, in retrospect, too intense for the fuel I was taking in. I was so worried about looking perfect that I forgot to be healthy. Now that the wedding is over, I’ve really swung back the other way. Eating too much (really) but really focusing on strength training at the gym has shown me that, yes, maybe I’ve put on 5lbs, but now I can see some awesome biceps coming in and I’m finally able to complete a full pull-up unassisted! It’s really incredible to me to see this strength that food was able to give me. Yes, I’m in the process of finding a balance, but I’ve really found a new passion that I wouldn’t have ever been successful at if I had not been fueling myself properly.

Thank you for (as always) being so honest with your writing. It’s unbelievably comforting to hear that we (the many) are not alone.

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Janae, I have read your blog everday for about 2 years now and I have to say, this has been one of the most impactful posts I have read from you.

Even though I have not suffered from disordered eating, since starting my fitness journey and wanting to focus on proper fuel for my body, I have become very consicous of teetering that line. So many of the quotes from this post, such as focusing on having a nutrient-dense diet and fueling yourself to be at your best have resonated with me.

Thank you for being so real and so honest with us today and always.

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Wow, I just love this post Janae. All of your honesty and support of others going through a tough time. I think there are so many of us out here that really needed that <3

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Thank you for sharing your struggles and making a safe space for others to share theirs, for that, your worth is already indescribable let alone all the other things you do. I too struggle with anxiety and feelings of control. What finally helped me is going to therapy, putting myself first, and commuting to taking care of myself before anyone or anything else. I spent a good bit of money on yoga classes and annoyed some friends for flaking on them and I’m moving out of my apartment 2 months early. I’m considering getting a new job. But I’m trying every day to help myself feel better and be the best I can be,. I struggle with that attitude being selfish but ultimately I have to believe that being the best version of myself helps others to be their best too. That’s the biggest thing I struggle with and helps me to keep going.

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It just took everything in my power to not sit at my desk and cry at work while reading this (however I couldn’t help tearing up). THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS.

It’s so hard to explain to people that never had this mindset or anxiety and it’s the best feeling to know there are others out there who experienced the same thing as I did 3 years ago. Your blog has changed my outlook on food, well-being and self-worth over the past few years.

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This story is so inspiring!! Running is something that has helped me deal with my anxiety also. Nothing helps me more really. Such an inspiring post, thank you!

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THIS POST<3

You pinned the tail on the donkey, so to speak, on this one. After 10 long years of ups and downs with my eating disorder, I have just finally got to the place where I feel like I can open up with friends, or even people I've never met before, about my struggles and the way n which I have grown form them. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable about this topic and so I admire you so so much for your bravery in writing this post. I'm a junior in college, and I seriously look up to you so much for the strength and genuineness you show every day on your blog while always keeping your eyes fixed on God. SO AWESOME! Keep doing you!

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Love that you shared this story again – I agree with all the reasons you said that helped you. I think age and learning not to care what other people think was so important for me. And also whenever I start entertaining those thoughts again, running FAR AWAY in the other direction! Whenever someone starts talking about calorie counting, I shove some M&Ms in my mouth and smile. Haha.

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Thank you for your post, Janae.
I wish I could say I don’t have an eating disorder but I do. It all started in high school with comments from other teenagers when I was wearing skirts like “do you play soccer?” and then an obsession over my masculine calves was born. I’ve always been very thin but my calves are super muscular.
For the past five years, I’ve been counting calories on and off, restricting, indulging, avoiding treats, eating all of the sugar. I’m obsessed with food in a very unhealthy way. I can’t enjoy a pastry or dessert without being totally peaceful, I will think of which exercise I’ll do to burn it off or which very light dinner I’ll have to compensate. I figured that if I lose weight and if there is nothing left to lose in other areas (arms, stomach, thighs, …) then my calves will eventually shrink. I run a lot but I don’t enjoy it in a healthy way either – I see it as a way to burn extra calories and of course I’m not going to refuel after my run because that would defeat the purpose.
My healthy weight is 114 lbs but I’m now below 100 lbs and my calves are still the exact same shape and circumference. I guess it just means I was born and built this way. I’m so sad I’m wasting so much time on body image, on what people think of me and something that silly… I hope I can find some peace of mind anytime soon.

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Oh, Audrey. I just want to hug you after reading this. It is a difficult thing to admit, and I hope maybe this might serve to be the start of your path towards wellness. Life is too short and filled with too much joy and happiness to think the number on the scale or the shape of your calves are tied to your happiness and self worth.

I totally get it. I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food and exercise during grad school. Stress, constant studying, marital issues. I wasn’t eating (stress, depression, etc) and was using every free second to run. I was so sick but couldn’t see what others saw — except when they looked at me in horror. So many people reached out to me but i just couldn’t correct / didn’t want to change my behavior as I was so mired in sadness.

I really hope you find some peace and happiness. There is no cure all or clear path out…but maybe this will be the starting point for you. Sending you so much love me healing prayers.

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Dear Caroline,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story and for reaching out. I hope it is the starting point for me too. You are right, life is so much more than that! Sending you lots of love

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Audrey, I know this will probably not mean much but I bet your calves are amazing. Is there someone that you can talk to about how you feel? It’s not silly at all, and you deserve to feel happier and more forgiving towards yourself.

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Thank you so much for this post. I am sorry that you have struggled with an eating disorder. I completely understand and have struggled with disordered eating and bad body image pretty much non stop since I was in kindergarten, I’m almost 40 now. I never mention weight or anything negative about body image around my children because I never want them to feel the way I have for so long. This is an issue that so many people struggle with and many people around them don’t even realize it.

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Thank you so much for sharing this.
I’ve been through an eating disorder too and when I was my thinnest; I was the most miserable. It took some hard honesty from my mom and dad, prayers from my family, and a number on the scale that scared me so much that I decided to change. Above all, I give credit to my Savior from rescuing me out of that pit.
Fast forward 4 years and I am married and expecting my first little one! At one point, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to have kids because of the stress I put on my body, and now here I am 20 weeks pregnant. God is so good and there is true freedom on the other side!
Thank you so much for opening up for sharing Janae- this did my heart so much good this morning.

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This post is so inspiring, Janae. I, too, struggled with an eating disorder and have found my happy medium. It’s so hard but finding other ways to cope that don’t revolve food and/or exercise (the latter is something I’ll probably always struggle with from time to time) is so important and beyond worth it. The 5+ years I struggled with an eating disorder were some of the hardest of my life, but I built the strongest relationship I’ve ever had with my parents and really found out who my friends are. Thank you so much for sharing, you’re a huge inspiration to so many young women out there <3

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Thanks, Janae for this post. So helpful and incredible

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Thank you for this! I’m in recovery as well, and I often have to kick myself off social media when I see that I’m playing the comparison game and starting to feel negatively about my body. I’ve tried the starvation game and was drained, exhausted, and dark all the time, and what kind of life is that!? Fueling my body correctly is an ongoing journey but if my thighs want to thunder, there’s not a whole lot I can do to stop it without being extreme. My body knows where it likes to be and I have to respect that in a healthy way! And I love the kind of mom/wife/woman I am when I’m being honest and healthy and clean, even if that comes with a little extra squish.

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AMAZING POST!!!!

I dealt with an eating disorder from my junior year of college to ~3 years post graduating. It’s kind of ironic how we use food to manage our anxiety, but starving yourself actually makes your anxiety skyrocket. What a vicious cycle.

Keep up the great posts!

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My mom is anorexic and has always counted calories. She hit a point where she was stable for a while but any time she had problems the eating disorder would come back. Her body is a mess now, she has so many physical problems and doesn’t seem to understand that the disorder played a part in that. I’m glad for you, Brooke and your family that you were able to rebound. From experience – it’s difficult to watch someone you love hurt themselves while you are powerless to stop it.

I went the other way after watching her and would eat pretty much whatever I wanted. I finally learned to eat healthy and to fuel my body. Now that’s what I help others do. Find foods that work for them to feel the best that they possibly can in a way that’s satisfying and non-obsessive. (I also believe that different habits work for different people. We all need to choose what works best for us and not what someone on tv or at the gym is telling us to do).

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Nina that must be very difficult to remain so strong through your mother’s illness. I applaud you for realizing how to maintain a healthy outlook on food. May you continue on with your healthy mind!!

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Thank you, Kelly. It was definitely a process and took some therapy.

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You truly have been such an inspiration to me, and I look forward to reading your blog every day!!!
I have had so many self esteem/disordered eating issues in the past as a way to cope with feelings (and run away/avoid them) but I am getting better each day.

Thank you for being you!

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I have been there too. Probably during the same time as you 2008-2012. Disordered eating is rough. The mind is completely taken over , that’s all I worried about nearly everyday, for a few years straight. It was like prison sentence. Somehow the last 2 years I have broken completely free. I say kind things to myself and my body responds. I don’t worry about food anymore and eat automated, healthy balanced foods. I’m like you, if there is a treat around, I’ll eat it. Before, I wouldn’t even touch it. I don’t talk about my body anymore, I say nice things about myself if i do, so my daughter is seeing kindness.

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I LOVE this post, Janae. I’m a follower from Holland. I’ve struggled with eating disordered thoughts and behaviors myself. It’s weird to see someone so very amazing as you struggle with something like this. I guess this only emphasizes that no matter how “happy” someone seems to be… It’s only the outside. You can’t see what someone else struggles with – ever. That’s why it’s my “mission” to ALWAYS be a little kinder than necessary :-)

I love this post because it shows that recovery IS possible. <3 Thank you so much for being you.

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Thank you SO much Janae for sharing this. I have always struggled with body image and disordered eating and similarly found running as an amazing outlet for dealing with anxiety and finding peace. I think as women we hold ourselves to so many impossible ideals and constantly compare ourselves to others. I know that there are some weeks where food is fuel and time spent with people I love and then other weeks it feels like a trap. But I think being open about our own struggles and supporting one another, particularly as women, helps shift the conversation toward food as nourishment for the body and soul. Thank you for putting these thoughts out there and inspiring others with your story!
Meg

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Wow, I can so, SO relate this this post. When I was going through a divorce in my twenties, my eating and exercising spiraled so out of control that I lost 30 lbs within a couple weeks. I loved how thin I became (I was always thin already!) and wanted more, more, more. My family cried when they saw me. My anxiety/depression was off the charts. I moved away to CA with my sister and was anorexic for over 2 years before I reluctantly entered a 6-month treatment program. That was 12 years ago. I have never relapsed (even though that part of my brain has tried!!) even when I went through some pretty tough times. I owe it to the sheer will to stay healthy, my love of running, and my current (amazing!) husband. Although I have an amazing support system, as you know it’s always a personal decision to stay healthy when it comes down to it. People used to view my running as a way to feed the disorder, but I can say without a doubt that it does the complete opposite. Running helps me to NOT view food as the enemy. I need to fuel my body well and stay at a healthy weight in order to maintain my endurance. If I were too thin and undernourished, I couldn’t possibly be getting ready to run Boston, my dream race. People will always have an opinion, but you know your truth. Ignore the haters and just do you! Brooke is lucky to have such a great role model ?

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You’re amazing Janae! I’m sure this will reach and touch so many people who are going through what you’ve gone through, you’re an inspiration!

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Thanks for making me bawl my face off on this lovely Monday morning :) In all honesty, I can’t relate to the disordered eating aside from a mild sugar addiction here but I can absolutely relate to self esteem issues and feelings of worthlessness due to my limitations (real or imagined). Thank you for helping me feel hopeful and loved. Thank you for being real.

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Sharing our experiences with each other is so important in helping others heal and feel less alone; so thank you for sharing yours. I’m a few years “recovered” from a really long rollercoaster with anorexia (about 9 years). I, too, stay away from blogs or other social media accounts that might trigger me — and I have recently unfollowed a couple of favorites for this very reason! It’s all about being self-aware and having compassion for yourself. Everyone’s journey to healing is different, but the knowledge that others have made the journey successfully can be truly empowering to those who are just starting!

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Thank you for sharing, Janae. I can 100 percent relate and wish I had the strength to publicly share my story. I don’t have any children (yet), but one of my biggest fears is having a daughter who ends up like me. It took 9 years of body mistreatment and several health scares before I finally accepted that I needed to take care of myself. It was a long road and I know there’s always a risk of relapse, but I have come such a long way. Like you, running played a huge role in helping me overcome my body image issues. I am so proud of what my body can do, and I hope that I can be a good role model for my future daughter (or son) — just like you are for Brooke.

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When I got divorced I used calorie counting and exercise as a way to feel control over something in my life–because everything else (including my emotions) felt very out of control and that terrified me! I struggled with body image in high school and a TON in college (and oh man, the constant, internal voice of bad body image is AWFUL). I used to tell myself, “your worth is not dependent on your weight,” and even though I knew that was true intellectually, I didn’t believe it emotionally. In the last couple years I’ve finally reached a healthier, balance relationship with food and an appreciation for my body. I also know in my heart that being at a low weight doesn’t influence my worth and does NOT equate to happiness.
Thank you so much for the post. I know it’s something you don’t like to talk about and I’m so glad you chose to share. There are so many of us who struggle with this. You’re a great example that recovery is possible: eating disorders can be kicked to the curb and dealt with. Also, it’s good to talk about how recovery isn’t linear (there are stops and starts and steps forward and steps back) and that’s okay! It’s so great to see you in a truly healthier place. Power to you, girl!

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Thank you for being real and honest! You are amazing and I agree! The moment I found out I was expecting, I put the baby’s needs before my own. And it made me better for it!

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I absolutely loved this post and can totally relate. I was OBSESSED with the scale in my early twenties, I’m now 25 so the memory is still fresh at times. Anxiety is a BIG one for me too, where I have OCD and mild autism(anxiety is a chunk of it) and I hate it some days. I would love if you did a post based on anxiety, I have a lot of self doubt sometimes with my future, especially when I struggled through elementary and high school. I’m so thankful, to have an understanding and loving God and to know, that we’re all here for a reason. Janae, I just love your blog and your honesty and just being real. Remember, God will put into you what He wants to call out of you. Keep being amazing! :)

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I love the message in this Janae. I think so many women especially in the blogging and running community can relate to the struggles of food relationships and behaviors. It’s certainly a balancing act and things can teeter totter one way or another easily depending on what’s going on in your life. That said, I do struggle a little bit with the obesity problem in our country. 67% of the population is obese. If there was one wish I had, it was that I could change that and help people have a healthy relationship with food while obtaining a healthy weight.

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I feel lucky to have gone through life without any food issues. Thank you for sharing your story with the world – the more we talk about these things, the more folks may feel comfortable or able to seek help.

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Thank you so much for sharing and being so open! This is beautifully written and brought me to tears. I don’t know you in real life, but I still have a very deep and honest feeling that you are truly an amazing person!! Thanks for always being there.

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Can we just be friends? You are so good at putting all those feelings into words and sharing them with the world. I’ve dealt with so many mental/emotional problems in my life and still do everyday. I think a lot of people do. Starting out really young I had PTSD and as part of that was anxiety and a lot of confusion and frustration that turned into depression. I went to therapy for it as a young adult and got over the main issues, but sometimes I think I should go back. Relapses are easy to fall into, especially being a wife and a stay at home mom with all the pressures of people who expect more than I feel I give sometimes.

I completely agree with you that food isn’t something that should take a lot of work and thought. Eat when you’re hungry, Eat what you want, and workout. Some people HAVE to be on diets, but there are so many people who diet because it’s the “fad”. Most of the time, those diets don’t even work.

Thanks for sharing this today, it helps to remember that others have had struggles and that they are possible to overcome.

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Thank you for sharing. I know this life all too well… Counting calories every day, obsessing and constantly thinking about what I eat each day, beating myself up when I indulge and then literally losing sleep over it, weighing myself every morning and that dreaded number determining my mood for the day, looking in the mirror and feeling that I look the same as I did 20-30 pounds ago even though I have gone from a size 12-14 down to a 2-4, thinking people look at me and think “she shouldn’t be wearing that” or “she needs to drop a few pounds.” A lot of people think eating disorders are just bulimia and anorexia but there is so much more to it. I don’t know if I will ever free myself from this trap.

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You’re awesome!!! I work in pediatrics in this area – weight management. Our mantra is “Healthy, beautiful, strong bodies come in all different shapes and sizes”. My wish would be that everyone could love their body and take care of their body because of that love.

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Wow, what an amazing post! Thank you for sharing your story. That’s very brave of you.
I have never really had an eating disorder. I do however get food guilt after eating certain things. This will happen to the point that I will let it ruin my whole day. I usually tell myself that I can let this ruin my day or I can move passed this and remember that what I eat does not define me. It’s just food. In college (when food guilt hit me the hardest) I never really paid attention to what I ate and now that I’m eating healthier and exercising daily, I feel so much better about myself and have a lot more confidence. I also don’t feel guilty after having treats or a meal that was not so good for me. Making people feel like they matter is so much more important to me. My goal in life is to be somebody that makes everyone feel like a somebody.

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This subject is SO important and needs to be talked about more! I love you for opening up and sharing your past struggles and how you overcame it! You’re awesome xx

Ps. I LOOOOVE the new blog design! S’cute! xx

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Good as gold. :) xoxox

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I wish you could share your story with some of the athletes I work with or did work with in the college setting. It’s so important to bring awareness to the issue of eating disorders. As an RD, I try to promote that it’s more important to think about WHAT you’re eating versus HOW MUCH. Fuel the body with whole foods, enjoy your favorite treats in moderation and don’t let GUILT come into the picture. It’s just food! Also, love the new design. At first on my phone I couldn’t see the awesome pictures at the top but now on the computer I can see them. Love it!

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Oh man, eating disorders are the worst. Thank you for talking about yours so honestly with us here on the internet. I definitely went through a two year relationship with one–while I was even in my third year of being a nutrition major–and hit rock bottom. Thank gosh for rock bottom. Four years later I still think about that time (I don’t think the thought ever goes away of, “hey…you know you could do this…” But I am so so happy that I choose to not acknowledge that thought.

Anyways, thank you. Eating disorders are an ugly thing, but people talking about them and letting others know that they can get better is beautiful.

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Great post! I 100% relate. I think a big part of my self-confidence and less reliance on my weight/food for happiness is just getting older and seeing more of what my body is capable of rather than a number on the scale. But I agree with you that I steer clear of triggers so I don’t even have to think about it anymore. Age and wisdom definitely help! Thank you for sharing.

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I have never commented on a post before, but as I read this it just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for your honesty…I’m a 31 year old mom of two who just recently got up the strength to throw away my scale after a lifetime of disordered eating/exercise obsessing, control oriented living. It was so freeing…I can’t believe how long I let myself be controlled by a number. Reading someone else’s success story is so encouraging! I just love your blog..and I’m sure there are a ton more of us out there who are non-commenters, but daily readers!;) don’t ever stop!

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Well said! Brooke is sure lucky to have you as a mom!

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Thank you for posting this, Janae. I really needed it today. <3

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Thank you for being brave! Keep on living, loving and growing!!❤️?

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Your blog somehow manages to be funny, informative, inspiring and heartfelt. I have followed many blogs, but none that I consistently want to read… Except yours. Thanks for being real and taking the time to create great content.

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I had some problems with anorexia a decade ago. You’re right, though, it can always come back and you can feel the triggers. I have to say that the further I have gotten from it, the easier it has been to avoid. A couple of years out I’d find myself slipping back into intensive exercise routines and calorie counting for weeks and have to work to pull myself out. Now that just doesn’t happen and I ignore my reward center kicking in for bad behavior.

One thing you said a long time ago when you were pregnant was that you avoided looking at the scale at the doctor’s office while pregnant. I’m pregnant now and that advice has been invaluable. Thank you so much for opening up about the steps you’ve taken.

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Thank you, Janae. There are times when I worry that I’m bordering on disordered thoughts/ behaviors. I appreciate you putting this into words to help others find strength and a safe community, to know that there is a way back from that path. You are strong and smart and your words are a gift.

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Love this post. I think it is so important to talk about it and that it can help! I remember reading these kind of posts when I struggled the most and it helped me believe that I could heal too. Thanks for sharing, it is a pleasure to read your daily posts! I love your new blog btw !! :)

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Thank you so much for sharing, Janae. This is a hard thing to be vulnerable about.

I know because I resonate with this post very closely… I got into disordered eating habits about a year and a half ago, which led to me sinking to a dangerously low weight, which led to all kinds of health problems and even more emotional struggles… Fortunately, I’ve spent the last eight months or so rediscovering a healthy place for my body, my mind, and my eating habits. A big struggle for me is relearning how to eat normally; like you said, I want to try to eat healthy, but I also want to be open to eat absolutely ANY treat I want to. But I am kind of dealing with the “Go crazy with sugar” phase you described, as a result of that period when I denied it to myself. So it’s encouraging to hear that you’ve worked through the same thing and have come out on the other side! Hoping I can reach that place very soon.

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Thank you for your honesty. You and your daughter are beautiful! I also really appreciate your current dedication to the Lord and knowing that His evaluation of us is what really matters. Good job, momma!

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I struggle every day with balancing my desire to “let go and let God” and control. Having my beautiful daughter(she is 2) has affirmed my body’s strength/beauty but handling times when she has gotten very ill has completely kicked my anxiety and desire to control to a new level. She started daycare this year and has had pneumonia, a horrible case of coxsackie (aka hand, foot and mouth disease), 6 ear infections, a surgery for ear tubes, a stomach virus, and countless colds. When she gets sick I feel completely powerless and then I can’t sleep and my mind obsessively tries to control things (like calories and my body weight). I get in this cycle of eating a lot of junk from the stress of her being sick and then calorie restricting. I used to exercise over- aggressively and I have tried to adopt gentler forms of exercise like long hikes and walks outside to boost my endorphins and stay fit. Being gentle to myself and kicking my inner meal girl to the curb has been very challenging this year. Thank you for sharing your story.

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I feel your pain. My little guy has a chronic disease and when he gets sick the feeling of losing control and being powerless is tough. We usually lose sleep and get very tired when our little ones are sick so it doesn’t help making rational choices about food and exercise. But we can do this because we are strong mommies ;-)

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Great post. Its so hard to live with moderation in a world that’s given to extremes.

Also, love the new layout :)

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You are so right about disordered eating being rooted in anxiety and control; this was my experience too. I only just bought a scale again after not having one for seven years because my infertility doctor needed me to have one to check for fluid retention. Reframing my goals as “I want to be skinny and in control” to “I want to PR and be strong and healthy” made a huge difference, but there was definitely a rock bottom before I turned that corner.

I’m finally pregnant now, and I’ve stuck to a strict “weigh yourself only once a week” schedule. For me, knowing my weekly weight has been helpful to know that this is a normal, boring pregnancy that is (hopefully still) on track. In a sense, I’ve reframed again to “I want to be strong and healthy, for me and the baby”.

I really like the new look of the blog, congrats on the successful re-launch!

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I loved this post! I too know all too well what it’s like taking things to extremes. I also tend to be like this in almost every aspect of my life. (Sometimes it can be a good thing, usually it’s not) I also struggled with disordered eating as a teen and into my early 20s. Like you, it took having kids (3 to be exact) for me to REALLY be able to break free from it! It wasn’t really a deliberate decision to be less self destructive- I’d say it just kind of happened. Strange how having children can really shift our priorities! Thanks for sharing! :)

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Janae, thank you. Your words resonate so deeply with me – I especially love the window/door metaphor. If I ever have a daughter, I hope to set a good example for her, like you do for Brooke. (And PS I love the new blog look too – super refreshing!). XOXO

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Thank you so much for sharing this post. I read your blog regularly, and I must admit that this post had me teary eyed. I also struggled with an eating disorder throughout high school and part of college, as a way to keep control of my life and not deal with my emotions. Like you, I was able to overcome it mostly due to sheer willpower. I always have a hard time talking about it–I am very skinny, but had bulimia and not anorexia, and II worry that people won’t understand. Thank you for sharing and helping reduce the stigma of talking about these issues. :)

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Dang, check out this sleek new blog!
I can really relate to how you go after extremes. I’m the same way, and food and running are also two of mine. I went through a period in college where I had just finished up freshman year, was no longer a team athlete (I didn’t run in college because I had so many injuries in HS) and gained some weight. Not even that much, but I spiraled, stopped eating all sweets, all fast food, carbs, anything that I thought had too many calories. And I ran like crazy. My roommate got annoyed with me when I said no to pizza for the millionth time and said, Mollie, you work out so much so you can eat whatever you want!! Why can’t you have a slice of pizza???
It kind of hit me then that I had a noticeable problem, I worked on it, and I’ve managed it since. But I always have that lingering thought, when I have a bagel or pizza or anything unhealthy, that I need to work it off. I’m not sure that will ever go away.

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Great post today Janae :-)

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Thank you for this!! I have not had an eating disorder but I have felt pressure from myself and even from others (ex-fiancé) to look a certain way and to not gain weight. The ex told me continuously that he wouldn’t find me attractive if I was too heavy and constantly made comments about how pretty skinny girls were, etc. (There is a reason he is the X!) I would let myself think that in order to be pretty I needed to just lose 5lbs. I struggle with that thought even today, and generally ignore the scale as much as possible. My clothes aren’t fitting differently so I’m using that as my guide that I am alright. :) Thanks again for this – I feel better that I am clearly not the only one with self esteem issues, but I wish we all could just feel beautiful regardless of what scales and tape measures tell us.

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Thank you for sharing. I hope in my heart of hearts that you are 100% past the disorder. The internet is a toxic place for eating disorders — filled with “pro ana” so-called “healthy” lifestyle blogs. I was anorexic and bulimic for over twenty years and have been fully recovered for the past few years now. I think it’s so important to talk openly and honestly about our struggles and remind people that everyone is different. What you post about your own eating and exercise is just that… your own. It wouldn’t be right for me to eat exactly what you, Janae, eats because my caloric requirements are different.
I have a huge problem with people who aren’t fully recovered and post eating and exercise tips, recipes, etc. in the guise of being “vegan,” “celiac,” or “healthy lifestyle” but deep down knowing full well that they are disordered, themselves. Perhaps these ladies are in denial, but when you receive comment after comment stating that your lifestyle is unhealthy (using the “global you” here… not talking about your blog)perhaps it’s time to take a step back and blog about something else. Post after post about chickpea brownies and 20 mile runs on injured legs, with gym selfies showing off your emaciated body promotes the toxicity of healthy living blogs nowadays.

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Janae! You are so beautiful, inside and out! Thank you for sharing!

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Thank you SO much for this post! I have a story somewhat similar to yours and have been diagnosed with Osteopenia. I’m still working on regaining a normal cycle. My question is…have you been able to reverse the osteopenia? I’m hoping that once I’m having regular periods and maintaining a healthy weight my bone density will improve. Has it improved for you?
Thank you again!

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Janae, thanks so much for writing and publishing this. There are so many women who struggle with some form of disordered eating and/or body image issues. I’m one of the millions, and I have been since I was 10. I’m now 42 and I’d like to say that I’m mostly in recovery, but thoughts of restricting, hating my body, etc., are often on my mind. I’m much better than I was years ago. I put my family first and knew I had to be healthy for them. I just wish I could turn off the evil loop that runs in my head. I have two amazing boys who are my world. I often wish that I had been granted a daughter as well, but I think that God was wise in not granting me one. I would hate to transfer my issues to my daughter. Thank goodness my sons are much less susceptible to my behaviors. I try as much as I can to stay away from triggers. I think you’re very brave for writing this. There is so much judgment given for anything written on the internet and you often worry about how people will react to what you write. It can be very hurtful and the last thing you want is anyone’s comments to threaten your mental stability.
Thank you for being an honest voice when it comes to running, eating, and life. I wish I lived closer so that I could join you on your runs and treat you to a froyo or a donut. Plus, my youngest thinks that Brooke is beyond adorable!!

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Thank you so much for sharing! You really are amazing! My opinion on my body totally changed after I got pregnant with my daughter too because I realized just how amazing it was to be able to grow another human being.

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Thank you for such a lovely and honest post. I am so glad you are in a happier place now. Take care and keep writing. You are such a great influence!

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You are just awesome. Srsly.

I’m glad to see so many other people sharing their stories. I’ve been on and off diets since I was 11, and the rest of the story is completely predictable: lose weight, get in shape, feel deprived, binge on food, run less, binge some more, gain more weight than I started with. Repeat.

In my adult life, I’ve done the lose-gain-gainmore cycle at least 4 distinct times, about every 3-5 years. This time it’s going to be different, though! It’s a lifestyle change, not a diet!

I’m currently at the top (or bottom?) — the bad place on the yo-yo. Lost 40 pounds a couple of years ago, have gained it all back and more. AGAIN. I feel awful, can’t run like I used to, and I’m embarrassed to be seen by anyone, especially by people who haven’t seen me in a while. I’m only 5′ tall, so a few pounds is a LOT on me, and very visible. I just hate it. I think your advice is great and I want to take it, but I’m feeling like a major failure right now. AGAIN.
Ugh. OK, this comment was just a pointless vent. Thanks for listening and sharing.

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I struggled as well in high school/ college, but it was finding my husband that ultimately healed me. I felt loved which is so ridiculous because I already was loved by the most awesome parents ever. Three daughters later and at age 42, I can’t even identify with my younger self anymore. What a waste of time that was, I find myself thinking! How many minutes of my day did I spend self-absorbed in a frenzy of calorie counting, compulsive exercise, and worry when I should have been enjoying the carefree years of youth and discovery! Oh how I could go back and hug that girl I was. I found my way back to running and TRUE health through nutritious food in my late 30’s. I am saddened by the crazy culture that exists of dieting (Paleo, Whole 30, Atkins, low-fat, low-carb, blah, blah, blah…). I hate it when I see Mom’s doing these diets rather than teaching balanced health. Our kids are watching and absorbing everything we do! I want mine to see a strong, fit, healthy, balanced, and whole Mama who loves herself, loves others, and see’s her kids for the the perfect beings God created them to be which has absolutely nothing to do with how they look. And if that is true, which I whole-heartedly believe it is, then why wouldn’t I also believe it about myself?!?

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I so agree. I have 2 girls and I try to be a model and even show them that having a treat is absolutely ok. I keep a tight lip when other Mom’s discuss their paleo or gluten free diets or their current shake. I just think balance is important.

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Thank you for sharing. My dad died when i was 20 and i did the opposate. I turned to bindge eating. I ate until i felt sick and kept eating. Now its all about moderation for me. I still eat all the things i want to just in smaller portions and balance it with workouts but i definitely understand how easy it is to fall back into bad ways.

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Thank you for being so open and honest about your experience. This is so important for other girls to hear who might be going through the same thing. <3 to you

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Thank you SO much for sharing this. its JUST what I needed to hear. I have been struggling with letting completely go of my “rules” and “rituals” in my Eating Disorder, and this just gives me the little more help and inspiration and GUTS to do it!

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Lots of love. My whole blog is about my eating disorder, and it is always scary, but worth it. So much love. <3

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This is a wonderful post about a subject that affects so many people-girls, boys, men, women, young, old. I have had body dysmorphia since age 5 and have been on a roller coaster ride of disordered eating for 36 years (I am now 46 years old). To everyone who is fighting for recovery at a young age I say keep it up and bravo for kicking that mean beast! I had some really good, stable years but then relapsed during a long and drawn out divorce. Basically my ED replaced the toxic marriage-how sneaky was that?! So now I am back on the path to getting better. Running continues to bring me balance and perspective because I don’t want to have to give it up or do something to jeopardize my running-so clearly being healthy is #1 to achieve that!!!! I have a wonderful dietitian- which wasn’t easy to find overseas- and a very, very supportive boyfriend. As a mom of 4 I find it important to keep things real and honest. To everyone fighting the battle I send you virtual hugs and positive vibes to keep working to optimal health.

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Hi Janae!
Well, I don’t know where to start but this is the first time I dare writing a comment on your blog.
I must say that I’ve been reading your blog for years now, and I never miss a post! I read it every single day. Anyway, I am a French-30-year old girl who loves to run, and I have struggled with eating disorder a little less than 10 years ago now, and I must say that your post was absolutely great, because you just have the right words. You understand that we don’t struggle with eating ( love to eat and cook!) but with control, body image and a lot of stupid things that just take us away from what really matter in life: family, love, friends, etc. I run everyday, it’s part of who I am, but I understand we can all have moments in our lives when we are low and lose sight of the fact that life is not to be controlled but to be enjoyed! I want to be a mom too and I will follow you advice: you are trully an inspiration and a good person. Thank you!

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Thank you for your honesty and sharing this post, Janae! Disordered eating is such a prevalent problem in the running community, more than we want to admit, and the issue needs to be discussed as often as possible. And definitely yes to unfollowing certain accounts – especially because social media can be dishonest.

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Oh Janae, thank you for writing this! I actually found your blog when I was dealing with my own disordered eating issues 2.5 years ago. I think I googled “amenorrhea and running” and your blog popped up :) The hardest part of disordered eating is that you’re never really free of it. I’m finally healthy again (and even completed my first marathon last April!), but the thoughts still creep up once and a while. I always remind myself that my healthy body ran 26.2 miles without stopping and I’m about to run my 6th Half Marathon next weekend. I couldn’t possibly be able to train as hard as I do if I didn’t treat my body right. I think I owe you a big thank you for helping me get back on track.

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Great post. Thanks for having the guts to share. Your positive attitude helps so many.

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Thank you.

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All I can say is thank you for this post. I literally needed it today!!! There were SO many things that were said that hit me. We are all the same. I, too, have the same struggles.

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Beautiful post! Thank you for opening up and sharing more of your story as so many people will benefit. I teach college and see so many young adults struggling with this along with anxiety and stress. There is such a fine line between the amazing art and science that Nutrition can do for an athlete’s body ( macro balance, adequate dairy and protein, antioxidants, etc.), and the control factor in ensuring you meet those needs. I find athletes stuggle with that and I think that’s how a lot of runners get into trouble.

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Beautiful post! Thank you for opening up and sharing more of your story as so many people will benefit. I teach college and see so many young adults struggling with this along with anxiety and stress. There is such a fine line between the amazing art and science that Nutrition can do for an athlete’s body ( macro balance, adequate vit/min, antioxidants, etc.), and the control factor in ensuring you meet those needs. I find athletes stuggle with that and I think that’s how a lot of runners get into trouble. I think your outlook on food is spot on. Eat whole foods, get enough calcium/ vit D, eat when your hungry, enjoy foods you love- focus on relationships and connection! Xo

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Oops didn’t think my last one posted so I wrote it all over again lol. Sorry!

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I suffered from an eating disorder for many years. I had a I guess exercise bulimia and anorexia. I don’t know when I finally recovered, it just happened. I had therapy for many years and I was sadly inpatient and in day treatment for it. It is something really only my family knows about, even my close friends do not know my past. I have no shame at this point but I guess I feel so very far removed from it that I just don’t want to bring it up. I like that there are close friends that don’t have to worry about that aspect of my life. Then again I know that if I ever see any of my friends or their children struggling with an eating disorder that I would be the first one to share my story. I have learned that with an eating disorder, recovery is a life long struggle. The negative voices can creep back in and you just have to embrace your coping mechanisms and fight. My children certainly have helped in my recovery, even though I was already there prior to having them. Recovery for me happened over many years, yoga, my marathon training, getting married, my career, my kids- they are lead to recovery. I now try very hard to be a positive role model for my girls because I never want them to go through what I did. I feel like I missed so many years. My sister also suffered from anorexia and I honestly do believe there is a hereditary component. Thank you for sharing.

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This is awesome. Well, not what you had to go through to get to this view point but this share :)

I swing the other way towards overeating but have been working through a lot of the root causes. Getting better but still have work to do.

Many hugs and love to you and everyone on the recovered path.

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Thank you so much for sharing this. It takes courage to share the struggles we go through. I can more than relate and it’s always comforting to hear from others who have had the same struggle and offer a solution. An honest and refreshing read I’m excited to share.

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I love how honest you are. Before getting pregnant I was very obsessive about how many calories I ate and how many I burned. I made sure to wear a heart rate monitor to get an accurate calorie reading. I used an excel file to track everything. It was very draining to do this each and every day but I felt the need to do it and wouldn’t be able to sleep if I didn’t. After getting pregnant it’s like a switch flipped where I only cared about taking care of the little person inside of me. Ever since then I try to just live a balanced life. I eat if I’m hungry and I don’t shame myself for having dessert. I also do what I feel like workout wise and I don’t push myself to the brink of exhaustion just to burn those extra calories.

Thanks for this post!

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Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel! ❤️

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Janae,

I read your blog everyday. I too struggled with an eating disorder. It almost took my life but I am so glad that it didn’t. I am now in the pursuit of a sub-3 marathon and living a happy life in recovery. It’s not easy by any means, but hearing other inspirational stories like yours help make me stronger everyday.

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This post truly brought tears to my eyes because it is exactly everything I have gone through. I do have a question about your femoral stress fracture, how long did it take you to recover from that or were you able to run through it? I currently have this and was just seeing how you were able to handle it. Thank you for this post, truly means a lot!

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I struggled so much with my eating habits, and honestly, my heart breaks for myself when I was younger. I was in 7th and 8th grade and my worth depended on the scale and how much I ate and that was IT. I found a journal entry from my 14th birthday, and the only thing I wrote was how fat I was, how I had so many “rolls”, and how I was a pig for eating cake and ice cream on my birthday. I used to run track, then come home and run some more, then do an ab workout.
My relationship with God and running both helped to pull me out of it and I’m so happy to be in a place where I can look in the mirror and be happy with what I see <3

Thank you so much for this post – I've been following your blog for several years and your positivity and honesty keep me coming back daily. You keep me motivated to run and (quite honestly) seeing the balance in your diet and exercise through your blog was really helpful throughout my recovery.

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“I’m trying to look through windows more than mirrors”

This comment resonated with me more than anything.

I have struggled with my complex eating disorder/anxiety for over 20 years. At 40 years old, I should be over this. But age has nothing to do with it. It’s when you are ready to put it behind you. I commend you for knowing at a young age, and a crucial time as a young mother how much growth and wisdom you’ve experienced the past few years. No one should have to deal with the hardships you’ve dealt with. You are so much stronger than you know. The fact that you have published the most thought-provoking and meaniningful post means so so much to me. I am so grateful that you have published this because this post will help so many of us who have struggled/potentially struggle in so many ways. I’m sure that for every one of us that comments here, 10x more silently say thank you for opening your heart to us.

Thank you.

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I’m amazed and thankful I came out of my eating disorder as healthy (body and mind) as I did. While I by no means am able to exercise body positivity 100%, I firmly believe in HAES, and try to apply this to my own body as well. I feel so lucky to believe in my absolute right to be able to eat whatever and whenever I want and to use exercise for destressing, strength building, and reaching life goals. It’s so frustrating to see (mostly) women fat-shaming themselves and others, using “good” and “bad” modifiers with regards to food choices, and using exercise punitively. I’ve lived in this space and it didn’t feel good for myself or for the people around me. When this comes up with others and I reinforce making choices that feel good or being kind to your body, I get a lot of sarcasm, condescension, and anger :(

There’s no one “right” or “good” way to be. I appreciate when people spread that message!

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Thank you for sharing i needed to read this today as motivation to turn more to my savior in my personal struggles with disordered eating and body dis morphia. The courage to keep at it can be harder to muster on some days than others. Your post was a huge dose of that courage I need on a daily basis.

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Totally been here and just starting to put the pieces back together now after 4 years of being obsessed with being skinny. Running is something I love and helps me stay connected to my body to keep it nourished and fuelled.

I love your new design but you might want to check how it’s set up for iPhones. I have a huge uber ad invading half my screen and if I scroll it keeps clicking on it like one million times then takes me to the ad page then the App Store…making it a bit tricky to read hmm. Hope you are well and thanks for trusting us and sharing!

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Thanks so much for talking publicly about this, that’s the only way to stop the shame and stigma associated with eating disorders!

It makes me so happy to read that Brooke is an inspiration for you to stay healthy. My mom has had a really bad eating disorder her entire life, and she definitely didn’t set a good example for me – my first memory of her is watching her binge and purge at home when we were alone together – and she took her frustration and anger with her own body out on me by trying to control my body/eating. I did end up with an eating disorder myself, and while I don’t blame her anymore, my biggest fear in life is that when I get children I will end up like my mother, no matter how recovered I am these days. I love my mom, but it’s great to see that not all mothers are like her in this sense. Reading this made me feel incredibly positive about my own future, like it’s possible for me too to lead by example and not let my past define me as a (future) mother. :)

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Thank you for opening up and sharing your story! That is incredibly brave. I think many health/fitness/food bloggers have once or are struggling with some kind of food disorder. I know I have and still am struggling a bit. Thank you again for sharing this!

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I struggled with an eating disorder in college and was lucky enough to go to an outpatient program and intensive therapy for help. I will forever struggle with eating disorder thoughts and body image issues. However, I have the coping skills to recognize my own thoughts from “ED,” and I am able to talk myself out of those thoughts. Thanks for sharing your story. I think it is very important for us to talk about it in the health and wellness blogs.

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Long time reader, first time commenter…

I just wanted to say that you’re really brave for talking about this, and for coping with your demons and putting your eating (and your life!) back on track. I think so many people have disordered eating, whether eating too little as a way of exerting some control over our lives (when everything else seems to be out of our control!) or eating too much – levels of obesity are through the roof and many people appear to have no idea what constitutes a healthy diet. You’re courageous for recognising the problem and doing something about it. You should feel really proud of yourself, these are not easy habits to break or mindsets to change!!

I have very disordered eating but don’t really talk to anyone about it (especially after telling a therapist and him saying he’d refer me and then… nothing…). A close relation has a serious eating disorder, as does another friend (more an acquaintance now, as to my shame, I cannot cope with her ED (or more specifically, her lies about it) any more). I don’t have kids but your comment about not wanting Brooke to go through the same thing really cut me down, it’s such a horrible insidious feeling and the thought of anyone having to go through it in the past, present or future makes me feel ill. You’re such a committed mother that I think Brooke will grow up knowing how very loved she is and because you have an insight into what it’s like to live with anxiety and worries, you will be able to help Brooke lead a happy, balanced life.

One day I hope to get a handle on things – dealing with anxiety better is definitely super important, as is liking yourself more (I struggle with that). I feel incredibly guilty a lot of the time because my worries are so insignificant compared to some of the things other people have to worry about. You sharing your experience is really helpful as it shows that it’s normal AND it’s beatable. Thank you so much.

Best of luck with everything, and hugs to Brooke x

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You are truly amazing!! You are so strong and have come so far! I think most of us can relate to these feelings at some point or another. I used to obsess over my food choices and freak out if I missed a workout and my body just hated me for it. I was trading sleep for exercise and in turn my workouts were not very effective because I was exhausted. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!

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A beautiful and honest post on a very real struggle for many. Thank you for sharing. :)

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Wow, what a hard topic and struggle. I think you look amazing. I couldn’t agree more, those little girls can get us through anything. My daughter is 8, and if it wasn’t for her…things would sure be a lot harder and different. She’s my rock and she doesn’t even know it. Weight/looks/self-asteem and self-worth has been a on-again, off-again issue mainly from relationships/marriage. I have not chosen well in that area, but my rock and I are in a good place because of it. Exercise/weight is more about where I feel best at now. And that feels good. Rock on Sisters. We can do hard things.

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thank you for sharing this and opening up to us about your struggle. i’ve struggled with disordered eating for years as well and rely on so many of the same things to carry me through and remind me of how glorious and beautiful it is to be alive: my family, my friends, running, my Savior, my gifts, the ability to love and be passionate and feel and know that you are not alone. love the honesty in this and pray you continue to remain strong!

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Heart you girl. :)

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This really speaks to me, thank you for opening up! It is beautiful that Brooke helped you through so much, I can’t wait to feel that intense love when I am a mother someday. Your story is inspiring and makes me realize things bout myself. I’ve been dealing with more anxiety/mood issues due to going off the birth control pill (nearly a year ago) and I am still not back to old self yet, but I refuse to take meds for it because thats the whole reason I went off the pill in the first place (to not be on anything). Anyway… Despite not feeling myself half the time and having this underlying anxiety all the time, I am still very obsessed and “passionate” about my healthy lifestyle and food/exercise but I have never considered it in a disordered way. However, I do believe this focus on it DISTRACTS me from the anxiety and things I do not want to feel. I am taking the step to go find a good therapist to talk to. Anxiety does run in my family and weather it has to do with going off the BCP or not, I have learned it is OK to ask for help and to open up to others, sometimes that’s all we need. God bless <3

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Can’t pretend I understand, even a little bit, what it means to live inside this disorder but I know what it feels like on the outside watching someone close to me struggle with it. Kudos to you for having the courage to post and it gives me something to share in a week or so when my friend does her first sermon (ironically about loving herself through her eating disorder with God’s help). Good luck to you!

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THANK YOU! Thank you for deciding to write this because, yes, so many people suffer from this and more and more like this needs to be out there :) “Recovery” is this magical destination, and yes, it is unbelievably magical, but it doesn’t mean it’s perfect. There are still struggles everyday. You constantly have to use those coping strategies you’re taught in therapy. You have to learn to face yourself. But it is so worth it and leads to a life that’s so much happier in words I can’t describe.

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SUCH an important post, and so well written! thank you for sharing, being brave, and actually talking about this. exactly what i needed to read today, too. you and all of you women are strong, beautiful, and WORTH IT. keep up the great quality and spirit. this blog is the bomb dot com ;)
also love the new design!

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Thank your for sharing this. This is something I have struggled with since high school (probably about 6 years now) and as much as I feel I have “recovered” and that I am in a good place now, I still sometimes have thoughts that creep across my mind about things like this. It’s so refreshing to have someone post such a real post about this! You’re an inspiration, girl. :)

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I have heard so many similar stories like this.. but yours was different. It offered hope, happiness, and personality. Thank you. When I was in middle school I went through a phase where I started running and lost 20lbs. in a few short months. That left me starting high school below 100lbs. I denied I had a problem for many years. Yes, I ran. Yes, I ate. I just couldn’t get myself to stop comparing myself to others. That person is small too, that person eats this and they are healthy, etc. My summer before going away to college, I started bingeing. I still do not know what started it. Stress? Fear? But yes, every night when I got home from work at 10pmish, I ate. No one knew I did this because I hid it. Whenever I was left alone I was eating. I kept telling myself that once I left home and was away at school I would get healthy. I wouldn’t have the temptations like I did at home. Well, that day never happened. In the beginning I ran every morning. But then I would eat it all back with the all-you-can-eat cafeteria. Call it the freshman 15, but really it was the freshman 30. Now, I am almost a junior. . I’ve been through 2 counselors and a dietitian. Oh and did I mention that I am studying Dietetics??!! Yeah I love it, but am a total hypocrite at times!!
I would say I am on the rode to recovery. I still have a tendency to overeat and snack, but my binge eating has stopped. I still am over 30lbs. overweight and I still struggle everyday to have a healthy relationship with food. I hope one day that I can reach my healthy weight (my goal is this summer!!) and stop treating food as a reward or as therapy for every school, relationship, etc. issue.

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I have heard so many similar stories like this.. but yours was different. It offered hope, happiness, and personality. Thank you. When I was in middle school I went through a phase where I started running and lost 20lbs. in a few short months. That left me starting high school below 100lbs. I denied I had a problem for many years. Yes, I ran. Yes, I ate. I just couldn’t get myself to stop comparing myself to others. That person is small too, that person eats this and they are healthy, etc. My summer before going away to college, I started bingeing. I still do not know what started it. Stress? Fear? But yes, every night when I got home from work at 10pmish, I ate. No one knew I did this because I hid it. Whenever I was left alone I was eating. I kept telling myself that once I left home and was away at school I would get healthy. I wouldn’t have the temptations like I did at home. Well, that day never happened. In the beginning I ran every morning. But then I would eat it all back with the all-you-can-eat cafeteria. Call it the freshman 15, but really it was the freshman 30. Now, I am almost a junior. . I’ve been through 2 counselors and a dietitian. Oh and did I mention that I am studying Dietetics??!! Yeah I love it, but am a total hypocrite at times!!
I would say I am on the rode to recovery. I still have a tendency to overeat and snack, but my binge eating has stopped. I still am over 30lbs. overweight and I still struggle everyday to have a healthy relationship with food. I hope one day that I can reach my healthy weight (my goal is this summer!!) and stop treating food as a reward or as therapy for every school, relationship, etc. issue.

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So I read all your posts in my email but had to come back and comment on this. I wanted to commend you for the courage it took to write and ‘publish’ this one. Mostly because I know most every active female (and plenty of the non actives!) have struggled with these issues on some level and can easily get sucked back into those thought processes. I know your post will help those still struggling. But I think what really moved me to make sure and come back and leave a comment is because of the fact you mentioned you still get those critical comments and emails. It’s sad and maddening that ‘outsiders’ feel entitled to judge and just because you put yourself out there on the blog and social media, people feel like it’s okay to leave those remarks. It made me mad you felt you had to not bring this stuff up because of those people. I think the ‘skinny hate’ is just as malicious as any other kind, and I think it touches a raw nerve. The other day I smiled at someone as I ran by and he shouted, “Ugh, stop running, try walking and eat a burger!!” I happened to pass him on my way back and simply said, “Try being a little nicer. I smiled at you and that’s how you decided to act.” The point being, and sorry for an epic comment that you probably think is veering totally OFF topic but I’ll circle back…I know your posting this will help others and that it took courage to bring up the topic. And also that I’m glad you don’t take any negative comments to heart because, like you said, at the end of the day YOU know your truth and the people who matter know your truth. So keep on rockin, running, I’m SO happy you came out of these horrific ‘low points’ (I wouldn’t wish eating disordered thoughts on my worst enemy) and keep sharing all the wonderful things you do on here! xx

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This was actually very good timing for me, as I was feeling triggered on Sunday and then read your post Monday morning, but wasn’t ready to comment. :) I relate so much. I never would have thought I could become so recovered during the years in recovery where i struggled every single hour every single day. thanks for talking about it !!

xoxo

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Thank you for being so honest. I just started reading blogs, and yours is by far my favorite. For years I struggled with body image issues, and still do, but it is nice to read about how other people face their struggles, inspiring me to do so as well.

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I’ve never struggled with an eating disorder, just an exercise addiction. You would think they would go hand and hand but not necessarily. I ate normally, never counted calories, I just had to workout 3 hours day. I did lose my period and gained it back by gaining a few pounds. The gaining didn’t bother me, it was always about making surei got the adrenaline high that day.

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Love this post–I used to obsess over calorie counting so much and I would get so anxious when someone made anything homemade that I couldnt know the exact calorie count for. After a few years I finally started to look at ingredients and eating real food that fueled me. I know that I can stray toward the path of obsession or self-hate and comparison and it can be really hard. Thanks for sharing your story!

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As someone who has been in recovery from an eating disorder for years, I can absolutely relate to so many aspects of this post. Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable!

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I just stumbled upon this post and it was just so poignant for me–I struggled with an eating disorder for 6 years and have relapsed a few times since. I am trying to get into running and reading this gave me hope and inspiration! Thank you so much.

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This post is still reaching those that need it. I love following your journey, but just discovered that you had an ED. This year, at the age of 41 I have finally admitted that I have been struggling. I just got out of Relative Energy Deficiency in Sport and have the goal to BQ next Spring… I know it won’t happen unless I find more and more freedom with food.

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