On Being A Single Mom.

I was a single parent for seven years and it was not easy. However, it was the sweetest time of my life with my daughter. It was different for me because my ex-husband was an alcoholic and he left so he could drink. He walked away and has not connected as a father since that time. I have since remarried and I think it is tougher now than when I was a single mother. It is due to the horrible marriage my husband had and the baggage he still carries as a result. As a single mother, I was blessed with an awesome job where I worked from home and did the majority of my work at night. I homeschooled my daughter during the day and took her to activities so she had a lot of socialization. I often questioned myself a lot of the same questions but realized I was doing the best I could. And, God filled the gaps that I could not fill. Now my daughter is grown and she is amazing!! She is well adjusted, has an excellent sense of humor, and balanced. Brooke is amazing and when you look back, you will see God’s blessing intertwined throughout your life leading Broke to be what he calls her to be. Take care of yourself. It is the best gift we can give them. They learn so much from watching us. A worn out tired out cranky mom teaches them to be the same. Awesome job Janae!!

While I don’t have children of my own, this is such a beautiful post Janae. You are such a strong individual and a great mom. Brooke is truly lucky to have such a loving parent in her life.

I write about this all of the time and have an ebook coming out on the subject of co parenting! I wrote just last week about letting go. It’s so important and not overly easy to do! I never wanted a divorced life for my son and totally feel guilty sometimes even though I did everything I could to save my marriage. But our kids are so loved and so okay! Trust me. They are resilient. More than us! I miss my house so much but then I remember, a house does not make a home. You are doing great, remember that! And it’s OK to go on dates! Remember, when we are married, we go out with our husbands and that’s ok so it’s ok for us to get out a bit too and live an adult life!!

I don’t often comment here, but I just want to say this is a wonderful post. Keep it up, you’re doing great.

Thank you for sharing all of this. Coming from a family of divorce reading this made me think of how my parents felt at the time. I feel like I would always think of how it affected my sister and I, but I’m sure it affected my parents so much more. I know that all I wanted growing up (and still) was for my mom and dad to be happy and it broke my heart seeing them sad or hurt. I think you are so strong and the best mother to Brooke ever! This is such a special post and I love your honesty and openness.

Thank you for putting yourself out there, Janae and sharing your thought and feelings. I think an important thing to remember is that just because two parents stay together (often for the sake of the kid(s)) doesn’t mean it is better… for them and certainly the child! We often assume that just because the family is in tact, that all is well. This just cannot be assumed. You are a better mom for what you’ve been through and God has paved this path for you and Brooke for a reason! My husband was married and has a son. I came into his life when he was 1.5 (8 now). Our situation and shared custody is all he ever knew so its just normal for him now. Its not always easy but his life is better with still 2 (much happier) parents and SO many more people around him that love him.
You’re handling a difficult situation with such grace and I respect that tremendously. Brooke is a special little girl and she is lucky to have you as her mom!

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a parent, but I am a K teacher, and personally, I think that you are doing such an amazing job! I see so many working parents- married, 2 parent families- who aren’t able to be with their kids as much as you are with Brooke. You are an inspiration to so many, including myself, and one day I hope to love a daughter the way that you love yours. I also think that it is great that Brooke had seen you cry and work through tough times. She learns that those feelings are normal and see gets to see a powerful woman work through them in a responsible and healthy way. We support you out here in the Internet land!

I am neither a wife nor a mother and I took so much away from this post. It is so heartwarming to hear you and your ex put aside any negative feelings and focus on kindess toward one another. It shows such a great respect not only to one another and Brooke, but also to the life you both once shared. Brooke is going to grow into such an incredible young woman because of the type of parent you are and the positivity you surround yourself with.

When times get tough, I always remind myself “Everything will be ok in the end-if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” This quote brings me alot of hope and faith and reminds me to keep moving forward.

Wow, I really enjoyed this post. I love your honesty. You are such a GREAT mom! Brooke is very lucky. Thanks for sharing.

I’m 100% sure this has already been said by all of your readers, but I look up to you as a mother, single or not. I love that you and Brooke are best friends. And if someday you have more kids, I’m confident that you’ll treat them all the same. There have been days where I feel like I’m not being a good mom because I say no to too many things (the park, getting a treat, doing a craft etc..) but you’re so right about comparing and about it only matters what God thinks. I don’t know you personally, but from everything I have read about your divorce I can confidently say that you’re so much more mature and grown up about it than several older divorced people I know. It’s so good for you guys to respect each other. My in laws got divorced almost 10 years ago and still won’t be in the same room together. At all. Even for weddings and births and all the big events in life, the can’t keep it together long enough for a family picture at a wedding or anything like that. They are constantly playing the blame game. Brooke will always feel so loved by you and when she’s old enough to understand, she will be very thankful for the relationship you’ve worked to keep.

Awesome post, Janae! I can tell you’re a wonderful mother; Brooke is super lucky <3

Thank you for this post. I am not a single mother but have recently gone through a horrible break up, so many of your points I could still relate to.

You are a great role model for me and many. Keep on keeping on! I read your blog every day as a source of inspiration and positivity. Your posts have truly helped me thrive though many painful days.

I believe that both you and Brooke will be just fine. It’s not an easy world, and being a single parent can be tough (I know this firsthand.) You’ve adopted some wonderful philosophies focusing on respect, love, and faith. When you put your energy and your focus on the positive things, not the negative ones, you ensure that Brooke’s upbringing will be ‘normal’ even if isn’t what you considered ‘traditional’. I used to tell my kids that we’d always be a family, just a family that didn’t live together.

I love your attitude and your blog! As someone who was raised by a single mom I have to say that I wouldn’t change a thing, I am the womanI am because of my moms example and her hard work and even though we didn’t do any ” fun ” crafts or went on cool vacations I was so blessed by her example and hard work! I’m sure you are doing so much better than you think! Brooke is a lucky girl to have you as her mom!!

I love this post. Growing up a child of divorce in a faith where I was taught families are forever was confusing and hurtful at times. But the experience has taught me that families come in all shapes and sizes, that being part of a less traditional family doesn’t lessen my value, and I hope I judge less and love more. As I move towards empty next-door (Rylee just got engaged) it’s also a good reminder that I still have things to contribute even though my family circumstances are changing. Thanks for sharing.

I love this post!! While I’m not a single mom, I can relate to a lot of the conflicted feelings you have as a mom. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job by your daughter. You and your ex have shown a huge amount of growth in handling this the way you have. Thank you for sharing

Oh Janae, this is so sweet. And a lot of what you said rings true with me too, even though I’m not a single mom. It’s true, this is the hardest/most rewarding relationship, and so therefore we’re bound to be emotional messes about it sometimes. But you’re doing a great job, and are such an example to others. Love reading your blog, and feel like we’re BFFs because I stalk you on the daily.

Beautiful post, Janae! I love your honesty and willingness to be real with us. I am in awe of how you handled everything (I have been reading from the beginning) and how you are such a good role model to little Brooke.

Thanks for taking the time to share, Janae. I’ve been reading your blog for years now and I am so happy that you’ve come out of this trial a much stronger person. It’s interesting to read about how you struggled immediately after the divorce because it gives me some perspective on what my mom went through after she left my dad. I was 12 years old so it was a little bit different, but my mom and dad both went the same route as you and stayed friendly. To this day they are still friends and we even celebrate some holidays together now (along with Adam’s family).

I can tell you seeing my mom unafraid to leave a situation that was bad for her taught me so much. It let me know that it’s okay to leave when things aren’t right and to also be self-sufficient because you never know if/when you’re going to have to rely on yourself. Brooke is learning so many lessons about independence and being a strong woman from just watching you live your life. These are lessons I didn’t realize I was learning growing up but I can appreciate now.

My mom committed suicide right after I turned 16 after about 3 years battling alcoholism. My parents divorced when I was 7 and it was acrimonious until the end (constant fighting, badmouthing, putting us in the middle). There was very little stability and so many things could have been done differently. But I always think of my mom fondly and I always felt incredibly close to her. She was a different mom before the divorce and a different mom post-divorce (most of my memories) and a different mom post-alcoholism. The one thing that was consistent is that I always felt incredibly loved by her.

After the divorce both of my parents struggled financially in the worst way, but my mom always turned things into an adventure and it never felt like we were missing out on anything. She wanted the world for my sisters and I, we were unstoppable and shouldn’t let anyone or anything stand in the way of our dreams. That’s what I remember about her.

I spent a lot of my life being angry at my dad for a million things. Now as an adult looking back, he was just trying to keep us safe and I can see how scared he was back then. When I channeled all of my anger towards him, he was patient and loved me through all of it.

Circling back to a point… It doesn’t matter how much money you have or where you live or whether you’re single or together or fighting or getting along. In the worst of the worst, both of my sisters and I turned out healthy and happy, we could have made a lot of bad choices and we didn’t. I have a few friends whose divorced parents are best friends, that was a crazy concept to me, but something I always admired (and would recommend).

But, despite that, we grew up with values, as many, if not more, positive memories than bad ones and a lot of love. In my experience, that’s all that matters. Everything else works itself out.

I was a single mom when my oldest was younger. I married my husband when he was 5 and now we have the life you describe. It’s not perfect but we have a house with a yard and dinner as a family. I found someone who is a wonderful father to him and the two children we added to our family. I’m confident that you will meet the right person too. You will be able to give Brooke the family life that you grew up with, just a little different.

I think you’re so incredible. Everybody has different trials for whatever reason, and they suck but I think they make us SO much stronger! My dad left my family when I was a younger, and as sucky as it was at the time, I don’t feel like I missed out on having that “ideal” family. The most important thing is being surrounded by people who love you…and I think Brooke (and you) absolutely have that! xx

I’m not a single parent, but my mom was a single parent to my brother and I (twins!) for about 10 years and I can honestly say that I have the best memories of just the three of us together. We had so much fun and so many little traditions. We really were the Three Musketeers! I just had a baby this past year and although I’m not a single mom, I still experience the guilt and worry that you talk about in this post. I think it’s something that comes with the territory of creating this little person that you love more than life itself! You always want better and more for them, even when in reality everything you are giving them IS enough.

Thank you for such an honest post. You handled your situation with class and dignity. You are a great mom. My childhood was a living nightmare of horrible abuse. I wanted to give my kids a happy childhood. I put my kids first because I grew up with selfish parents and have seen so many selfish parents. But I feel guilt every day because my kids missed so much because their dad put himself first. I am still married but my husband is not the person he pretended to be and I did not find out until it was too late. Brooke is lucky to have you and your family.

This was such a thoughtful, honest post. Thank you!

Love this. You’re amazing!

I loved reading this post. I’m not yet a parent, but from person to person please trust that you are doing a fantastic job at life in general. I gain great insight for myself by reading your blog and I know many other readers do as well. You are strong and you possess the wonderful gift of being able to find the positive in any situation. Keep smiling. :)

Jenae. Listen. I never reply to blogs or vlogs or anything like that. However, today, after reading this, I had to. I read your blog daily and you have no idea how much you inspire me and motivate me every day as an athlete, and really as a human being. As a trauma survivor, running is my outlet to run away from the demons that continue to chase me daily. There are days when I don’t feel like running, or when I cannot seem to find the self confidence to believe that I can actually run my 10 miles for the day. Then, I think of you and all that you do as an athlete, as a mother, as a blogger, as a woman. We are complete and utter strangers living across the United States from one another, yet you motivate people, just like me, on a daily basis. I cannot even BEGIN to imagine the mentor, the rock, and the amazing teacher you are to your little girl. Just by scrolling through old posts on your site or by looking at photos of you and your daughter, anyone can see that she is a happy, blessed, and LOVED little one. That is all because of you and the solid foundation of a family that you have provided for her. There are many more than I care to think about, children who are screaming for love and affection and guidance who come from a “perfect nuclear” family. The bottom line, is that it is not about being a single mom or a married mom, it is what you show and teach and how you love your daughter that counts. You know as an athlete that the training, the meticulous hours, the dedication, and the proper fueling of marathon prep can be a tough job. However, there is no greater challenge than that of a mother. Because, you do not get a 6 month or 12 month evaluation where someone sits in front of you and tells you what you have done well, and what you can improve upon, the review period comes when your little girl is all grown up and has to live and thrive on her own. At this time, she will use all of your guidance and your lessons and your love to be the person that she chooses to be. There is no doubt in my mind that she will turn out to be the passionate, happy, loving, gifted woman that you have taught her to be, because this is who you are. Life is all about paying it forward, and you, Jenae, you do this every day. You will never know how many lives that you touch and change for the better. One of those lives, for certain, is your daughter.

I have been a single Mom for 9 years. I have two kids. When I got divorced my pediatrician gave me some great advice. He said that no one important in my life would care if my dishes weren’t always done or if my house was a bit messy but that my kids would remember me playing with them, spending quality time with them and loving them as much as possible. I don’t always do a great job of letting go of what I think I should be able to accomplish. Some days are harder than others and those are the days we get in pajamas and watch a movie on my bed.

This was such a great post to read. My son is going through a very hurtful divorce and he has a little girl who is 8 months old. He is on the other side where he only gets to see her couple time a month as he lives in Provo and she lives in Tennessee. It is really hard to watch him go through the pain as he did not want the divorce. He gets to skype with her every day but the mom makes it difficult for him. It is good to hear as a grandparent and parent that we should probably speak more kindly of her even though we are not around the baby (in fact my husband has never seen her in person). But it would probably make it easier for our son if we are more positive. It is just hard because she is not nice to him and he is trying to be nice even though he has to grit his teeth sometimes to do it. I applaud you as a mom because we can tell that you cherish your daughter and are doing so well with your parenting. I am jealous of your parents because I wish my kids and grandkids lived closer!!

Awesome post! I’m a married mom and although my kids are older now I had – and still have a ton of guilt about all kinds of things – we as women are so hard on ourselves and sometimes people we don’t even know (or maybe we do) will judge and comment on our decisions and that can cause us to question ourselves even more.

Bravo for you for many, many things including creating a job that allows time with Brooke, modeling healthy behavior for her and of course working with your ex to show Brooke that you both love her and want the best for her! She is a lucky girl :)

There truly is nothing more important than surrounding your children and yourself with love. While the other details do matter, a loving environment can make up for so much! The love you share with your daughter is obvious.

First I love reading your blog! Thank you for sharing this, I am watching my daughter be a single Mom with my 11 month old grand daughter, she didn’t divorce her husband he took his own life after serving in the Marine Corp. and having PTSD. Your openness to share helps me to help her :) She isn’t a runner, but I’ve told her about your blog, and how I think she would enjoy reading it because you are a single Mom and your little Brooke reminds me of my granddaughter…..they both have very expressive beautiful blue eyes!! Thanks again Janae, I think you rock it as a person who is authentic, and your a great Mom and an amazing roll model for Brooke to look up to :)

As a single mom, when you go for runs outside, who watches your baby girl?
Do you push her in a stroller?
Thanks!
Lauranne

Wow, this post brought me to tears! I have so much respect for you, Janae. You are beautiful inside and out and wise well beyond your years. Personally, I haven’t experienced the trauma of divorce. I can’t imagine how difficult is, especially while parenting mostly on your own. That said, I am a mother, and I felt I could relate to some of the issues you spoke to. That’s why I love your blog– you are honest and so inspiring in every way. You are doing an AMAZING job, don’t ever think twice about that!!

This post = amazing. Even though I don’t have kids (I’m divorced and just recently happily remarried)–so many things from this post touched my heart and rang true to me.

Guilt is a beast. Good for you for handling such difficult things with poise and being the best mom you can for Brooke. That’s an incredibly worthy battle.

Thank you for being so honest and real.

Thanks for sharing this. Just wanted to say that I think it’s amazing how well you and Brooke’s dad are doing. I have a friend who is a single mom and she and her son’s dad are not even close to civil, so well done. That will make a huge difference for Brooke.

Janae, it’s Barb. From OH, husband suicide, 2 teen boys, remember? Listen (read) – you’re doing a great job!! Really. I could have written so many of your words myself. Your daughter is SOOOOOO loved. Believe in yourself. You’re doing great things for her! xoxo PS We are still going to run together sometime. Except I don’t run very far.

I know you share a lot on your blog, but, this is the most profound kind of sharing. We all have our struggles, no family is perfect and no child will have a completely perfect life. I’m not divorced, but I am a ft working mom and military wife, and I definitely can relate to feeling guilty about not being a perfect mom or family, especially when I’m just completely exhausted and on week three of my husband being gone. Stay strong, you’re obviously doing the best you can do and surrounding yourself with people to give Brooke tons of love. You’re a great mom!

Janae-
You are such an inspiration as a woman and a mother. Thank you for being real and opening up this discussion. You are doing a great job and that little girl is one lucky lady to have you to love her so very much!

Janae. This post just made my heart ache for you and all that you have been through/are going through. It definitely hasn’t been easy and I can’t even begin to try and say I understand. But I can have empathy for you. At the same time, this post makes me happy because you can see how much this trial has changed you, made you grown and as a result you are such a strong person. I look up to you more than you realize. You are the best mom Brooke could ever have. You love and adore her the way SHE needs to be. No one else could love her that way. She doesn’t need a Pinterest mom (I am not that fun, craft doing, super fun activities all the time mom either) she needs someone she can talk to, be with, and know she is loved, heard and understood. You do that and then some! And while of course you want her to have a mom and a dad and this ‘ideal’ family, even those families don’t always have parents like that, you know? There are families where neither parents are involved in their child’s life. I still wish there was something I could do. After your text I just sat there and wracked my brain of how I could help. Please know that you ever need me to help you, listen to you, watch Brooke, bring lunch, anything, I would hope you would reach out and let me help you. Love you Janae!

My parents divorced when I was three years old and I literally have no memories of us together as a family. I’m sure those memories would be nice to have, however, I’m grateful every day that they did it when I was young enough to rebound and adjust. Because of this, and because of their unbelievably hard work every day, I never felt like it was my fault, or that I was unloved or unappreciated by either one of them. They’ve both been amazing parents to me all my life and been able to co-parent me amicably. When I was growing up, they spoke all of the time and neither one made a decision that affected me without talking to the other first. Often, I’d find out they’d consulted each other on something before I even knew about it. There was never any fighting or bad things said about either one and it made things so much better.

And as I became older and started having milestones in life (like big sporting events, first dance, prom, graduations, etc.), they were both always present and even together to cheer me on. I know so many people whose parents had to sit at opposite ends of the bleachers at sporting events, meanwhile, mine sat together and were visibly chatting the whole time! So much so, that sometimes I worried what they could be saying about me that I didn’t know about! And then after moving out, when I come home for birthdays, we can even have one big joint birthday celebration together – me, my parents, my step-parents, and my grandparents all celebrating together! We celebrated as one big group for graduations as well.

I remember growing up that my mom said some of the same things you said here – she felt bad about letting me see her cry sometimes and she always wanted to make sure I knew I was loved every second of the day. I know it was hard work for her and my dad, but they also made everything great for me every step of the way and I never felt left out. I only saw my dad every other weekends, and a lot of the time wasn’t 1 on 1 because I visited friends there too, but I never felt distant to him and I have an amazingly close relationship with my dad still. I don’t feel my relationship with him is any less than my friends who lived with their dads their whole lives, if anything, I may even appreciate my relationship with him more because we have to make the most of our limited times together.

Long way of saying that I was raised very much like Brooke is being raised and I’m super thankful for it and wouldn’t even change it if I could.

Beautifully stated and good for all of us moms to remember. We are harder on ourselves than anyone, and as long as God knows how hard we are trying and our kids know how much we love them, that’s all we can ask.

I love your honesty and sharing a more realistic picture of life versus most people online and social media sharing just the highlights! That is good advice to not be on social media after 7pm! The nights are the hardest sometimes and seeing other people’s highlight reels when I am feeling down does not help! You are doing a GREAT job with Brooke! Just from the pictures, you can see how much she loves you and you love her! You two are the best!

Janae, you are doing such a good job! Please don’t ever feel guilty. I was a single mom from the time my daughter was 2, & I didn’t start dating again until she was 10. She didn’t have cousins nearby like Brooke does so it was just her & I. I experienced the same feelings of guilt & loneliness that you do, but now I look back on those times (she’s 16 now) w/ genuine fondness. I definitely miss those days sometimes. Look at it this way: how many kids get one parent’s undivided attention as much as she does? I’m serious – she is going to look back on this part of her childhood w/ such joy!
I also have a great relationship w/ my ex (he is one of my best friends). It isn’t always easy, but we made a conscious effort from Day 1 (like you & your ex did) to do what was best for our daughter, which meant never bad-mouthing the other one & being flexible w/ schedules & supportive of each other. I have also always shared your attitude that the more people who love my daughter, the better. I refuse to be jealous. I will always be her mom & will always have her love. She lucked out in the stepmom dept. It truly takes a village to raise a child & the more help, the better!
Keep doing things for yourself, too. It will also help Brooke to be more confident & mature as she interacts w/ others. You have a great support system there. Enjoy this time in your lives. No regrets! XO

What a lovely post!! I’m not a mom to anyone (except my dog) but this was so nice to read!

A quote that I love and a reason to celebrate: “The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.” – Gotta love Oprah! :)

I got divorced recently too (it was finalized in October last year) and it was my second marriage (9.5 years). He wasn’t my daughter’s biological dad but he raised her and treated her as his own (still does) and she only sees him as her “real dad”.

My first husband/daughter’s biological dad chose not to be involved. Which (and I know this will sound terrible but) was the best decision he ever made for both her safety and mine. Especially for mine.

During “round one” of being a single mom it was really hard and I struggled a lot. It was just her and I against the world. My family wasn’t close by, she ate a lot of vienna sausages and crackers, and lived in the day care from open to close because that’s the only way I could guarantee she had three meals and two snacks everyday. It was HARD. But you survive and do the best you can with what you can.

“Round two” has been hard but in a different way. She is older and very close with my ex. I love him but we weren’t good together and the unhappiness was affecting her. I didn’t want her to think it was normal to be lonely in your marriage. That what she was seeing as a young lady growing up was what she should expect in her future relationships. When I decided it was over I made the decision for myself and FOR her. Don’t ever “stay together for the kids”. It’s not worth it and you actually do more harm than good. Kids should see their parents happy.

I recently went on a date with a man that has completely swept me off my feet. I’m not ready to label the relationship yet and I don’t know where it will go, so I also won’t introduce him to my daughter until I know for sure it is going somewhere and I think she is ready. That will take a while and I’m not rushing it. You find a way to find the balance. Guilty feelings are not abnormal, but don’t let them overwhelm you.

I know I probably overshared :( but I hope you can tell from all these responses that you are not alone. We are rooting for you and Brooke and we should be rooting for each other. You are doing a GREAT job! and you are a GREAT mom!!!

LeAnne

Thank you so much for this post. Even though I am not a mother yet – I can only hope to be half the mother you are. You are so inspiring!!

I think the greatest thing you can do is not talk bad about one another in front of her. The only bad thing I remember from my parents divorce was that – the badmouthing. Good for you for sharing these thoughts. Brooke is so lucky to have you!

It makes me so happy to read your text. I’m happy that You are well and handling everything in such a mature way.

Hi Janae. THANK YOU for this amazingly open post. I am not a single mom, but I am the mother of an almost 2 year old girl and I identify with the things you’re saying so much. It can’t be easy broadcasting your struggles for everyone to read, but I really respect you for it. Sometimes it’s so easy to forget that a person’s online presence isn’t their whole life and begin comparisons. Being a mom is no joke, we all struggle with different aspects of it. It seems like you’re doing a great job, Brooke smiles SO much. I think you’re pretty amazing and so strong. Thanks for reminding us all that it’s okay to be human.

I just want you to know that it is very easy to look at pictures and think something other than what is going on. I look at your pictures and think, wow, I would love to have one tenth of the amount of friends you do. You also take Brooke a ton of places, and because I work during the day, I feel like my 2 year old spends every waking moment in the house, so I feel that guilt also. Everyone has guilt, and everyone has a different way of life. You are doing great!

Nothing but respect for you. *lifts hat*

I don’t have kids yet, but I know I’m probably going to be a single mom – I’ve always known I want kids no matter what my relationship status is, and that I’m not going to wait for a partner who may or may not come into my life – and I’m completely terrified that Judge-y People On The Internet are right and I’m going to completely mess up the kid. These will definitely be things I need to remember!