One of the most frequent questions/emails I get is about dating.
Sometimes I am a little too open on here but whatever:
I think… well, I know… I threw myself into dating post-divorce much too quickly.
I dated a few really great guys that were very good to me starting at about 5 months after my separation. The problem was that I just wasn’t in a good place to be in any sort of relationship. None of those relationships even had a chance to thrive because the ending of my marriage was still way too fresh for me and I was still knee (okay, forehead) deep in the grieving process.
And then there was a not-so-great-at-all-relationship-that-made-me-cry-a-lot thing that happened. At this point, my heart was not ready yet to handle that heartbreak so early on and next thing I knew it, I was completely jaded. I decided to take a few months off from dating completely. I had no desire during those months to do anything other than spend time with Brooke, my family, my friends (my real-life friends and the television show) and my books.
In retrospect I should have waited about a year after I left California to start dating. I think I was searching desperately for some distractions from all of my pain during that time and I thought dating was the best way to move on.
I finally feel like I am actually in a place to be serious with someone. I still have moments where I go a little crazy and freak out about commitment but at the same time I actually feel ready and excited to be in a relationship. Plus, I really like this one a whole lot.
A few tips that I have for those dating after a divorce (aka maybe don’t do what I did):
-It’s okay to be alone. Those months that I took off from dating were the most healing and needed months for me. Give yourself as much time as possible for that heart of yours to get put back together before becoming vulnerable again and dating someone seriously. You have the rest of your life to be with somebody again, give yourself a break and spoil yourself rotten during this time;)
-Don’t run away from the grieving process because it will in fact catch back up to you no matter how fast you think you are and bite you really hard. Feel what you need to feel when you need to feel it. All of the distractions in the world (besides chocolate) will not heal you, you’ve got to experience the different stages of grieving and process things accordingly.
-If you feel uneasy about something or feel like it is too fast, then it absolutely is too fast for you at this time. Trust those intuitions of yours. They are almost always right.
-You deserve the absolute best. You deserve to be treated amazingly. Don’t let anyone make you think anything differently.
-Learn from your mistakes the first time around;) I think I have finally learned my lesson.
How is that for a running blog?!
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Tradition #8 in the books.
I can’t think of anything that makes me happier than that little face of hers.
Brooke made her santa letter and delivered it all by herself.
And from her (me) delivering her letter to Santa in 2013:
It was all quite exciting.
Afterwards, the three of us (my mom came with us) split a caramel apple.
And of course the normal snuggles on the couch. I ordered these slippers and just got them and I actually do not know how I lived without them in the past.
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Give me your thoughts about dating/relationships/where you are right now in terms of all that stuff!!!
Divorced peeps—> what was your experience with entering the dating world again?
What December traditions have you done so far?
168 comments
Rachel Runs Music City
I’ve never been divorced and hope never to be, but I really appreciate you coming out and being real for people. I have several friends who are going through that and I know that I can better help them get through it because you are so transparent with your thoughts and feelings. Thanks!
As for traditions, we’ve been a little lacking in that this year! Our church does their big Christmas program this week, so hopefully that will get me in the spirit! And seeing family will help too :)
Thanks again for sharing!
Erica { EricaDHouse.com }
After a serious relationship of mine ended (and we were only together for a year!) I took an entire year off of dating. It is SO OKAY to be single. I was extremely happy and productive in that year! I’m proud of myself for not casually dating ‘just because’ it was expected of me (I was 29 at the time.) I learned and grew so much during that period. Now, I am happily married, but I still look back at that period as being one of the best of my life.
Hillary
Thanks for sharing this Erica. I am 27 and very recently ended a 5 year relationship. Sometimes I feel worried about being “behind” where I “should be” at this age. Your comment is very encouraging. All the best!
Ashley
Hillary- I ended a 6 year relationship (engagement) and am 27 as well. Do NOT worry about being behind. There is so timeline. Everyone is different. I almost didnt break the engagement because I knew I would have to start over and be behind on the timeline but it’s not true. I have never been happier. You need time to yourself to really figure out who YOU are and what YOU need and what makes YOU happy. Then you can get out there and find the person that perfectly compliments that.
Staci @ Hoosier Running Mom
I give you a lot of props for being open about things when you feel you may have done things the wrong way. Love/life/relationships aren’t easy and having people that will put it all out there is a helpful tool for those around you.
We finally got our letters to Santa out and got our tree cut! My daughter makes countdown rings every year so that is the next project for us!!
Katie
I have those SAME exact slippers! I love them – not sure how I lived without them either! They’re on my feet everyday.
Thank you for your advice on dating post-divorce. I haven’t experienced that, but know many good friends who have and I am going to send this post to them! Thanks for sharing with us :)
Hollie
I always appreciate how honest and open you are Janae. I think for anyone it’s important to realize, it’s okay to be alone and do your thing. Doing your own thing is something I needed to read today. You are an incredible and strong woman Janae and you should never settle for anyone.
Flower
I dont think I’ve ever met anyone who did the post divorce dating thing just right, me included. It’s hard to make good decisions when something so horrible happens, whether you expected it or not and divorce doesn’t come with a handbook.
That being said, I’ve always given similar advice to yours, trust your gut and use your head. If something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t. You’ll know when you’re truly ready to move on but until then, it’s best to get to know you again.
tess
I’ve never been divorced. But trust your gut is something every woman should have memorized. Be true to yourself. If it feels off, it probably is. Every mistake I ever made was followed by me saying “I knew something was off”.
Good advice.
Michele @ paleorunningmomma
I think many times people coming out of a divorce just want to feel good again, so dating seems to make sense, but of course emotionally those relationships aren’t built to last because the real healing hasn’t taken place. That’s not to say it’s a mistake for everyone, because people divorce being “over” that marriage in varying degrees. Live and learn of course, and so glad you were able to reflect and grow from your experiences!
Sarah @ KS Runner
The last relationship I had before my husband wasn’t good. I couldn’t see it at the time but he didn’t treat me well and I deserved so much better. I found a good one and now I can see all the flaws in that other relationship and the flaws in my thinking before! Thank you for your honesty, I think its good for all of us to see that we aren’t alone. And you do deserve the best! So glad that you are happy!
We go look at Christmas lights, watch Christmas movies, bake cookies, etc. No kids yet, so some of those traditions will come later. Would be weird if I went to sit on Santas lap by myself!
Natalie @ Never Serious Blog
Brooke in that coat, she is such a baby model!
Well I got married in April and we dated for five years before that, so there’s nothing exciting to see here! Lol, but he did cook dinner last night while I sat my butt on the couch watching Netflix, so that is always nice!
I’m still trying to come up with traditions of my own, especially as a newlywed, so I love following what other bloggers do this time of year!
Jennifer
I had a very short lived marriage in collage. It feels like a lifetime ago. I’ve now been married for 6 very happy years!
I jumped into a serious relationship after my divorce and I definitely wasn’t ready. I think I just wanted to be happy.
December traditions: my house is almost decorated. I’m hosting a big Christmas party this weekend! And, I e been watching way too many Christmas movies on tv…I love them all!
meredith @ The Cookie ChRUNicles
Well this is my subject! I have a book coming out on the topic (as well as focusing on coparenting after/through a divorce) because it’s stuff that needs to be talked about! You are technically supposed to wait one full year from when your divorce is final to really begin dating. Most people don’t but it makes total sense. We aren’t ready sooner. It’s important to heal (even though full healing is an ongoing process) and learn how to be alone. Only then are we ready for a new and lasting relationship where we make smart choices to match our needs. It’s so hard, especially dating as a single mom! And of course, the first heart break after a divorce is the worst but we learn a lot from each relationship.
BeeBee
I think the whole issue is that there is no such thing as “technically” about divorce or relationships. Everyone is different and everyone has to do what feels right for them.
V
I totally agree with BeeBee. My ex-husband managed to drag out the finalization of our divorce for almost a year from the date I filed (for example, he had 90 days to respond to the divorce papers. He filed his response on day 88). Prior to that, we had been separated for 6 months. For years prior to THAT, stuff went on and I knew for a very long time that our marriage was over. I went through a lot of the grieving process while I was still married. When we separated it was out of concern for my safety and my kids’ well-being.
I would say my situation is a stark contrast to Janae’s or to other commenters. I don’t think there can be a “technically supposed to” rule that applies across the board. Everyone’s situation is very different and I personally would hate for anyone who doesn’t know me to imply that I’ve broken some “rule” by entering a relationship with a man I adore.
Nic
Preach BeeBee!
Rebecca
Everyone has a different situation. I am with V…I grieved the end of my marriage for 3 LONG years while still in the marriage. He would dissapear for days on end, alcoholic…I saved and saved money so my kids and I would be ok…we still struggle but WE are much happier, healthier (mentally and physically) and safer. Running 9 half marathons during those 3 years kept me somewhat sane :). Running my first MARATHON (trail) this spring!!! Scared, excited and super ready to move on!
Lisa @ Running Out Of Wine
My sister-in-law went through a divorce in 2009. She tried to start dating shortly after, and nothing felt right. But as soon as she met the person who was right, she knew it immediately! They dated long distance for a while and now are happily married and expecting their first baby in April:) I think that going through the experience of a divorce (while something I would never wish on anymore) makes you stronger, and more perceptive to exactly what you want and what is best for you. I’m glad to hear that you are so happy with someone right now and wish you all the best!
Your traditions with Brook are so great!
The Hipster Runner
After a serious relationship a few years ago ive been single! I dated a few guys but knew they weren’t the one I wanted to marry so I ended things pretty quick. I have a lot going on so im not really interested in dating unless the guy is super special. Besides the time commitment I just dont want to keep giving pieces of my heart away. Im content and happy being single getting to do my own thing and spending time with all my amazing friends though my heart still desires marriage im not sitting around twiddling my thumbs and waiting on a man to gov my life meaning!
martha
Great advice!! i LOVE LOVE LOVE your coat!!! where is it from if i might ask?? i have been looking for a coat like that. Thanks! brooke, as always, adorable.
The Hungry Runner Girl
Hey thanks Martha! Here it is:
http://www.eddiebauer.com/product/astoria-hooded-down-parka/20612181/_/A-ebSku_0062680100000060__20612181_catalog10002_en__US?showProducts=&backToCat=Parkas&previousPage=GNAV&tab=women&color=679
Alyssa @ Life of bLyss
My dear, I’m so happy for you!
I understand exactly what you mean. After my last breakup (which wasn’t even a marriage with children, so I can’t even IMAGINE how much worse you had it), I just wanted distractions, but there’s no way any relationship so soon would have worked, even with the perfect guy. It’s such a slippery slope to navigate.
You’re amazing, and any lucky guy would be so blessed to have you in his life. I’m prouda you for staying such a happy person and being an amazing mommy! <3
xoxo RUN DATE SOON like we've always talked about!
The Hungry Runner Girl
YES YES YES about the slippery slope! WAIT A SECOND… ARE YOU COMING TO UTAH!!??!?!?!?!
Alyssa @ Life of bLyss
Hahaha, I so wish I was coming to Utah. In my mind I AM…. :) :) :)
I’ll keep you posted. Maybe there will be some Pure Barre training there or something! ;)
Megan @ Skinny Fitalicious
I was in a 3 year relationship with someone and found out he had been cheating on me the entire time with another woman. I jumped into dating right away but I was so hurt and jagged they had no chance with me. I was running away from the pain. I’m convinced my foot injury in part happened because of him. I took my emotions out on the pavement and wasn’t eating enough. I’m in a much better place now though thankfully and ready to let someone in. But it is really hard when someone does something horrible to you that you trusted.
Justyna
Completely relating to this. My injury was a result of getting over things! Wish you the best! We will get there. Kisses, Justyna
DebtrisforKona
Great advice! I am glad you seem so happy!!
Robyn @ Robyn's Living Life
Looking at things retrospectively also makes us so much wiser, doesn’t it?
I have never been divorced (nor married) but I find that you have to do what feels right for you with dating in any situation and you 100% cannot be in a happy relationship if you do not know and love yourself first:)
Glad to hear you are in a good place (with or without a guy)!
Amy
What are you thoughts on Brooke meeting the new man in your life or your ex’s life for that matter? Do you have some sort of agreement in place for that?
The Hungry Runner Girl
Oh goodness. This is probably the toughest subject on the planet for me. There is no agreement in our papers about this (man, I wish there was). I can only control my side of things so here is what I do. I only have Brooke meet the person I am dating if we are pretty serious and I KNOW for a fact that he is Q.U.A.L.I.T.Y and going to treat her like gold. Brooke really has only been around 2 that I have dated. My other rule is NOOOOO sleepovers. For my own personal reasons I don’t do the sleepover thing while dating but ESPECIALLY because of Brooke. I don’t want her to grow up seeing different men sleeping over at our house. Wow, and TMI like usual. Does that answer your question?
Amy
Absolutely! Thank you for taking the time to respond. : )
Whitney S.
Right there’s a litmus test for you – if you wouldn’t let him meet Brooke, he ain’t no good for YOU either. He must treat YOU like gold too. Cause you are worth that and so much more!
Kristina @ Blog About Running
Janae, I am so happy for you! Instead of being jaded forever you have obviously grown and learned from the experience.
Am I too old to mail off a letter to Santa? Dear Santa, I really want a marathon PR in 2015 and I have been really good!
Middleaged Runner
Great honest post Janae!
I think a lot of us can relate to this.
Re-entering the dating world can be strange. It certainly was for me because it had been 10 years since I had last dated. In those 10 years technology had taken off- it was a whole new world! (and it was pretty scary to be honest…)
I casually dated a little and then decided I needed a break… Which was exactly when I met the perfect person (who is now my husband!)
The process is different for everyone and the only thing that is important is that it is right for you and where you are in your life. (and have fun with it!!)
Sarah
Great tips! I waited a year, it was hard especially since my ex left for for a younger girl and had then around my kids but I needed time. Sometimes in a bad marriage you don’t even realize how much you’ve list yourself trying to make someone else happy. My need time to find yourself again and figure out who you are before you bring someone else in your life. I did that and now I’m so happy in my marriage and don’t feel like I need to change him or me because I know how to make myself happy.
Alyssa @ See This Girl Run
I am a huge believer in following your gut. It almost always knows what it’s talking almost out with love and everything else in life. It sounds like we’re due for a lunch date to catch up :) I promise to share my stories too! Love you girl!
Meghan M.
Janae – You are such an inspiration! Not just because you’ve been through hard things (as you say, everyone has been through hard things!) but because you are open even when it makes you vulnerable to criticism. Brooke is lucky to have such a wonderful and loving example for a Mom :) Thanks for sharing.
The Hungry Runner Girl
Thank you so much Meghan! I really appreciate your comment! I hope you are having an amazing day!
Pam
love!! So true Meghan! :) we love you Janae!!! xo
Kimberly @ Keeping Up With Kimberly
I love how open you are on your blog – I think it’s really inspiring!
I’m engaged right now and we are struggling a bit to blend our Christmas traditions. It’s something we’re working through and we’re really excited to start a few of our own.
I LOVE your coat (and Brooke’s coat too!). We need a link for that in the next post :)
Brynn
I love (and appreciate!) your honesty. While I have not gone through a divorce, I have experienced a rough break up and completely agree with finding a way to be ok alone. Once I found my own happy I could be open to meet others and let them in. Sending you lots of love!
Leah (goodnight cheese)
I think the most important thing you pointed out is that there’s no getting around the grieving. Eventually, whether it’s sooner or later, you have to face that the relationship is over and feel the feels. (I guess this applies to most things, actually.)
Jessica @ Laces and Lattes
Dating? Jaded indeed. I am the queen of not launching back into things and just say that running is my boy friend. :P
You are so brave and I wish you the best with this very luckiest of boys. :)
The Hungry Runner Girl
Running is the best boyfriend around;)
karen
Really really happy for you, Janae. I think the most important thing you pointed out is to know our worth, and how we deserve to be treated.
I am pretty sure my MIL got me those slippers for Christmas!! Now I’m really excited to wear them :)
Ashlee
My man and I were friends for a few years before we got together. We’re not married and there are no future plans as of now for that. This past July, we celebrated our 10th year of togetherness, and our sons first birthday (same day). I’m not against marriage, but we’re perfectly content w/ our lives together. We own a house, have the kid, the dog, the cat, and all that jazz, just w/out the legality of it all.
I think it’s brave you’re sharing your stories and what you’ve gone through. You probably help a lot more people than you think just by sharing. And you can only be as happy in life as you are with yourself!
Melissa @ Mel's Miles
Agreed with other commenters that you have to really grieve before starting something new. My boyfriend of 5 years and I broke up about 2.5 years ago and I went on an awful date right away just to try and move on. At the end of the night, I realized it was time to deal with my feelings and not date for a while. Six months later I met my boyfriend and we just had our 2 year anniversary! After all I went through with my ex, I never realized I could be this happy :)
Briana
GREAT post! I think everybody is different. People thought I moved on too quickly from my last relationship, but in reality I had been going through the grieving and self reflection for half a year before we actually, publicly broke up. 3 years later, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been with the person I moved on “too quickly” with. Trusting your gut is the most important!
Onto Christmas traditions, my bf surprised me with red and green construction paper ring/garland things decorating the apartment, which I hereby decree as an annual tradition!
Bets
I’m so glad you found someone that makes you happy, you deserve it! I hope you enjoy spending the holiday season with him and your family.
The Hungry Runner Girl
Thanks so so much Bets! I hope you have an amazing holiday season too!
Liv @ Healthy Liv
Thanks for your openness, Janae! I think that you do a great job not over-sharing but still letting readers know what’s going on in your life a little bit.
Christmas traditions…I’m starting my Christmas baking this weekend! Chocolate chip toffee bars, buckeyes, and maybe some cranberry bliss bars :)
Sally @ sweat out the small stuff
I completely agree. Never rush the grieving process.
I was widowed at 25 and don’t you know it took me 15 years to meet someone I can finally say is the perfect companion. I spent so much time wanting to have an identity back of “couple” that I couldn’t figure out how to be single. And that’s where running came into my life. It was only once I finally accepted and loved my single life that I met my boyfriend. He is divorced and similarly had some grieving to do. And yes running blogs always should have these type of posts. :)
Daisy @ Fit Wanderlust Runner
I think you are doing an amazing job of getting back in the dating world. Honestly even dating those guys early on helped you since it made you realize it wasn’t your time just yet. It was great that you focused on Brooke, family, and friends. They are your support system. Thank you for sharing.
Ashley @ My Food N Fitness Diaries
You’re amazing. I think it’s totally understandable as to why you would want to start dating soon after your separation. It’s distracting, fun, and makes you feel good! But, you’re right – some healing and alone time is definitely important. I’ve learned some of the most about myself when I was single. I’m just so glad to see and hear that you’re so happy! You absolutely deserve it. xo
Linda @ TheFitty
I’ve still yet to experience a serious relationship; but I enjoyed reading these tips nonetheless. :)
Jasmine @ A cupcake for my thoughts
I’m so glad you’ve found someone that makes you happy and treats you right, you deserve the best!!
I feel like divorce is one of those things that people really don’t realise how tough it can be unless you go through it yourself or are a part of a divorced family. My mum and dad divorced two years ago and people heal so differently. My dad is already engaged to someone new and on the other hand my mum hasn’t gone on one date yet! I think the best way to handle it is the way that makes you happiest and most comfortabel!! I’m almost 18 and to be honest I don’t think I even have time for a boyfriend, I’m young and I have time for that, I’m just focusing on school and work :)
Annette
I totally agree that it’s okay to be alone. Spend time with friends, family, alone. Don’t feel pressured to date. Enjoy doing what YOU want to do without having to coordinate it with a boyfriend/husband. Running, Pedicures, Brunch, Reading, Races, do it all!!
Marissa @ Run Riss Run
I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart for 14 1/2 years. We’re both very loyal, non-combative people and sometimes it freaks me out that our relationship is too easy.
I’m excited for you that you are figuring things out :)
December traditions: house and tree are decorated, Christmas cards are sent out, we are doing our drive around and look at lights while drinking hot chocolate outing this weekend. My fav tradition is a completely non-traditional dinner with my in-laws (who are divorced & have been for 32 years). It’s so relaxing and fun.
kristin | W [H] A T C H
hindsight is always 20/20. (i’m not great at this but) learning to extend grace to ourselves when we wish that we’d done things differently is so important.
Molly @ Motherhood and Marathons
I have not experienced divorce personally, but my sister went through one and it was brutal. She definitely grieved. I really wish I had these tips to share with her when she first got divorced. She started dating ASAP and was in some disastrous relationships. She’s now happily married, but she had a rocky road to get there. Thank you for such an open, honest post!
Brooke@runningonchange
The only tradition I have for Christmas time is going to see the temple lights downtown.
These are really cute I need to start yearly traditions, I think it would be fun to get my family together and do things like that.
Lindsay
Out of curiosity, and without divulging the reasons behind your divorce, what advice would you give yourself for a new relationship? Basically, what do you plan on doing differently the next time around?
Ashley
It takes a lot of courage to talk about this kind of stuff, so thanks for always being real. I’ve never had to experience anything like this, but I will totally share this with someone I know really needs this.
Randi
Janae,
You are AMAZING! I am so happy you found a great guy who makes you happy :-)
I am happily married, but my husband and I have been friends for a very long time. We’ve know each other for about 14 years, been together for 6, and married for 2.5. The key for us is that we are best friends. Having that commonality, learning that its okay to have different hobbies and do things separately, and always always supporting each other is key for us!
Traditions are in full force in our house…although we’re deciding if we’re gonna decorate since we’re planning on traveling for Christmas.
Danielle
I just wanted to say as a reader how much I value you being open about these kinds of things! Your blog may be a running blog, but it is so much more than that and I think having the courage to be open & honest is admirable and truly appreciated. I am happy for you and hope that your future will be very bright! :)
kimberly
i WISH i had been strong enough to take post divorce dating slower and it caused a LOT of heartache. but now, i’ve been (re) married for 5 years with two precious babies!! could NOT have done it without my relationship with God.
we do a fun activity every day leading up to Christmas! i really feel like it helps time slow down just a bit and really savor these days with littles. :) i post them all on insta @shefacepaints
Carrie
Janae, I love reading your blog everyday! I am currently coming out of a relationship that was ended very quickly and completely surprisingly by him. As much as I wish to have someone to share my life with, I am also loving having my time back. I used to plan my life around when he chose to have time for me (which was pretty infrequently, and only on his terms). It’s so lovely to be able to schedule time to hang out with friends or just relax at home with a good book without considering if he will be free and willing to see me. Writing that out sounds so ridiculous – what I want out of a relationship is someone who loves and supports me and allows me to be myself, not someone whose rigidity I have to fit myself into in order to be a part of their life. Right now I am enjoying being single and hoping that when the right man and I are both ready we will be brought together. Plus – being single during the holidays is great – one less person to buy for and only going to the holiday parties that I want to go to!!
Shawna
ah, dating — the topic i feel like comes up nonstop with my girlfriends and i (esp us singles and single-ishes and casually datings in NYC), and which never ceases to fascinate and enthrall. i commend you for doing some heart-searching post-divorce and post-divorce-dating-experiences and really seeking to understand what’s right for you right now and where you’re at and all that introspective stuff. sometimes i feel like i get so caught up in just living my life and doing what i want that my “dating” life is so casual and i don’t give anyone the chance to develop into anything serious… so i’m trying to work through that and see what’s really behind it and focus on the guy i have now, because like you, i reallllly like this one. :)
Laura
Great post, Janae! I was divorced about a year before I started dating again. I think that is excellent advice. I then met my now husband and we’ve been together for about 12 years, married for almost 10 with 2 kids. I remember going out with my single sister a few months into my divorce and wanting to cry because I just didn’t want to be out with all these “single” people. And I didn’t know how in the world I was going to date again. So I waited. It was the best decision.
December traditions: we’ve trimmed the tree, put the lights on the house, watched some of our favorite movies, saw Santa. Still on our list is driving around looking at holiday lights, baking Christmas cookies, and our annual Christmas pjs on xmas eve.
Laura @ This Runner's Recipes
Janae, you are so mature and have a great head on your shoulders! Some of my friends and I read your blog and look up to you so much (we’re all about 4-5 years younger than you). Great advice here! I’m a newly wed but your advice reminds me a lot of advice I received in college. I stayed single for over half of college (and starting dating my husband my junior year) and I’m glad I did because I never settled. Now I have an amazing husband who spoils me and even started to run so he could run with me!
Traditions: our nativites and Advent wreathes are out, but we still need to get our tree!
Katie
AMAZING post!!! I have a hard time ‘feeling what I need to fell when I need to fell it’ and I’m working on that. You deserve all the happiness in the world and I know you’ll find it! Merry Christmas!
Bethany
Divorce is TOUGH. No matter who initiated it – it SUCKS. I give you props for being so strong! It’s such a hard thing to have to go thru – you’re a wonderful person and you deserve the best so take time to love you :)
Kay
Thank you for being so open with your readers! While I haven’t been through a divorce myself, I am sure all of us have been through some sort of heartache at some point and can relate to a certain extent.
Suzy
I’d love to erase the first year post-divorce with a big squishy magic eraser.
tess
LOL. Yes.
Erin
Thank you so much. I just found out my husband wanted a divorce and just reading about how you have carried on with life gives me some hope. I thank you for being “too open” because knowing someone else has been there helps.
Nona @ RunningHigh
I was in a serious relationship for four years, and after it ended, I was single for two years. I was six months away from finishing my master’s degree and moving when I met my boyfriend. We’ve been together for two and a half years and have been living together for almost 2. He was worth the wait :)
Exciting that you’ve met someone that makes you happy!
Kendra
I think it’s awesome how open and real you are. You have managed this whole situation with such grace. I’m glad you found a good guy and I hope things work out the way you want them to! We love the Santa at the riverwoods! Have you done thanksgiving point lights yet? I can’t wait to take my littles!
Aimee
Divorced here. Janae…you are so right on with all that you say. Everyone’s situation is different, yes…but we all still have to grieve. Like you, I tried dating a few months post separation and looking back…I was DEFINITELY not ready! I wanted it all right then and there. I took some “time off”…dated a guy for about 2 years, ended because that clearly was not going to progress beyond what we were. Took more time off for self-healing/reflection. Now…I am dating someone…he seems to be great. I still freak out…patience is my worst enemy. I think the biggest thing that has changed for me is my perspective. I am now looking for someone to ENCHANCE my already great life. I am also not looking for someone to be a parent to my son…support me in my parenting decisions, yes, but not necessarily being a parent. I want my partner to support my son, interact with my son…but overall…really just kind of be his “friend”…his buddy. My son’s dad is no longer much of a presence in his life (physically or emotionally). I think of it as having positive role models in my son’s life. Not trying to replace his father.
Good luck to you! You seem to have a great head on your shoulders and sounds like you have done a lot of the internal work that needs to be done to move on from something such as a divorce.
char eats greens
I looooove Brooke’s little outfits! I seriously need to binge on my daughter’s clothing soon (as I’m on Gap right now haha). I know it’s probably hard being so open on the internet to people you don’t know, but it’s also so nice. I think it’s so refreshing with how real you are. And how you admit your faults and things that did and can go wrong. Sorry you had one bad relationship since the divorce. That’s not cool for anyone!! And I totally think the whole grieving thing is spot on; glad you recognized that you can’t run from it! :)
Katie Did What
iAll great advice! When I broke up with a boyfriend, I was so heartbroken, and my mom told me that it’s like grieving: you’re grieving the loss of this person in your life. So I definitely agree that it all takes time, and every situation is different. <3 Hugs to you and thanks for sharing. I know you helped some people out there.
Also, the photo of Brooke from last year vs this year's letter to Santta drop-off is too cute!!
xo
Maree
I love your posts!!
I am going through divorce at the moment after being married for 26 years. The thought of dating absolutely terrifies me!
I can’t imagine being with someone else yet but…
If I was going to date someone they would HAVE to be a runner or sportsman who will understand when I say ‘ I need to go for a run’! My ex didn’t like me running so I stopped for over 20 years – I will not go through that again! I have just got back into it and am loving it!
Love your coat too! x
NjMellie
Hi Maree, I divorced after 24 years of marriage, so I understand your terror of dating too! Best wishes to you as you go through this difficult period.
Barb
Hi Janae! Thanks for your open and honest post. Love it. You are helping many. I’m single (widow), 15 months now. I’ve commented a few times before. Not dating but I am feeling like I want to start doing more. Not necessarily with someone, just want to get out more and LIVE. Baby steps for me.
Susan
Sorry for your loss, Barb. My sister lost her husband suddenly 5 months ago. So sad to watch someone lose the love of their life. Wishing you the best.
Christina
Baby steps…you got this! You can do it.
Amanda @ Slimplify Life
I secretly love hearing about your dating life! Excited you found a good one this time around, they are hard to come by these days!
How do you meet all these guys?! SingleRunners.com ;) ?!?
Therese
I’m surprised at how many boyfriends she’s had! I had no clue
Amelia Friend
When you posted that you were filing for divorce, it broke my heart. My co-worker seriously wondered if I was ok that day, lol. I had recently finalized my divorce, and though my marriage wasn’t very long, and we didn’t have any kids, I never want anyone to have to go through that! I was not treated very good the whole marriage, and my self esteem was brought to an all time low. I went on some dates right away, just because I wanted to feel like I had a chance. I wanted validation that I was attractive enough, that I was fun, and really to make all the things my ex made me believe, I wanted to feel the opposite. Once I got that out of my system by going on any date I could, I slowed down. I made some good friends, went on some fun trips, let myself live without a budget for a time, and focused on me. I was a little selfish, and I was very reflective on what I wanted and what was best for me. I let dating come and go, and though there were some minor heartbreaks in that too, I remembered that I would so much rather go through a breakup then another divorce. When I met my now husband, I knew instantly he was what I wanted. We moved pretty quick in our relationship, and we were married in May (Mormons, am I right?! :) . Already, things are 100% better than my previous marriage and my husband is amazing! He tells me all the time how I deserved better for so many years and he wants to make up for that. That is what I want for you Janae! You deserve the best!!!
anonymous
Janae-
thank you so very much for this post!! I really appreciate it. I recently ended a three-year relationship and I have had so many different emotions, thoughts, feelings, rationales… etc. They seem to hit you at random times huh :)
I too began dating pretty quickly afterwards. In some ways it’s been really really fun but in other ways it’s been a bit much. But recently I’m feeling a bit more tough and able to be vulnerable without feeling like the world is crashing down if something doesn’t work out. I think the best thing we as women, as people, as runners, whatever-you-are, can be is honest with ourselves and the honest truth is it’s fun to go on dates and sometimes you still miss something/ are hurt even though you didn’t think you were. In my experience it’s easiest to take things one day at a time.
It brings me so much comfort to hear about you and hear your journey too! Happy tuesday!
Valerie
I really commend you on sharing your life like you do. Life is messy and you’re really brave and remain positive and that’s why I keep coming back.
I wanted to share this Macy’s campaign with you and Brooke: http://www.macys.com/believe
If Brooke submits her letter $1 will be donated to Make-A-Wish and it will be included in the Guinness book of world records!
Kelly
Thank you for continuing to be so very honest and real. I cannot even begin to imagine how I would deal with all you’ve been through. But I do know God has a lot of great things in store for you. The rainbow is seen after the storm. I think you’re starting to see the beginning of your rainbow.
Kaella
Thanks for being so open and honest. I can completely related. We separated a few months ago and I’ve wondered about when the “right” time to start dating again. It’s scary and people can be very judgmental! I think you just have to follow your heart… that’s what I plan on doing :)
Christina
You have a heart of gold and deserve the best…glad you’re happy! I’m an old married woman but if anything happened to my hubs I would most definitely need a distraction. Sometimes people come in our lives at different times shortly to learn bigger lessons. Your advice sounds spot on.
Our new Christmas tradition is doing a very non fancy advent but all 3 my kids love it! I’m going to incorporate service things like passing out granola bars to homeless with a bible verse on it. I’m really trying to incorporate Jesus in the activities. One is eating a candy cane and noticing it’s a J like Jesus. :)
Doni
What a difference a year makes! I was originally specifically referring to Brooke dropping off her Santa letter, but I guess it applies to your whole post.
I went through a divorce and then got involved in a relationship with a long-time, very supportive friend. It was scary (because a really good friendship was on the line) and it was WAY too soon. However, through lots of therapy early on and honest communication, we’ve now been together for almost 16 years. I sometimes wish I would’ve waited and avoided some of the pains of working out my issues during the early stages of our relationship, but the end result is definitely worth it. I feel lucky every day that he’s in my life.
Kayse
I completely believe in timing. I met and went on a date with my now husband several years ago when my sister set us up but timing just wasn’t right. We both went on to grad school – I left the country, never thinking of each other again until we were both back in Alaska and were at the point in life where we were looking for, and ready for, love. We met by chance and it took a moment to figure out if we had met before. In one week we went on dates #1-3 and he said he knew at date #1 and I knew by date #2 that we were going to be together for life. I won’t say marriage is easy but it also shouldn’t be really tough, I believe when it is right it will work out in ways you can’t believe. I hope this time you won’t be able to believe how wonderful love can be!
Kayse @ runhappyrunheatlthy.blogspot.com
I forgot about Christmas! I am a christmas fanatic so we have lots of traditions:
Christmas Markets
Tree goes up after Halloween
New ornament each year
Driving around looking at Christmas lights(became a tradition after we did it between our wedding ceremony and reception last winter solstice,)
Gingerbread houses
Christmas Eve chili night
Bake and deliver christmas cookies to all our friends
Best or all – time with family!
BeeBee
I think these kinds of posts are great for a running blog. Running is affected by/ affects all aspects of our lives. I feel like I run to give myself the most complete and healthy life I can, and my relationships, emotions, family, time management, etc. are all part of that. Nobody is ever perfect, but we are all muddling through this together so any advice you can share will be helpful to someone! Thanks for sharing.
Amy @ They May Be light
Isn’t it crazy how much time we spend researching our running shoes, our couches, our electronics, before we buy, but when we are dating and looking for the companion for the rest of forever we let emotions rule? It’s kind of nuts. That doesn’t mean you should ignore the emotions, they are important, but that we should let something steadier guide our dating rather than our emotions. In fact – CS Lewis says of love that although the feeling of “falling in love” may be what gets us into a relationship it’s just a feeling and that same feeling will not endure, our commitment needs to be deeper than emotions so that “love” in its true sense can blossom. Of course he says it about elevnty times better then that. The bottom line, is it is hard not to let emotions rule in relationships (whether you are dating or married).
Meg R
I REALLY appreciate this post right now. One of the things I have pulled from your blog is to keep running and remain positive even though life isn’t perfect or what I expected. Life can always be great, even when it doesn’t match my expectations. You seem like a person who chooses happiness in the midst of heartbreak – and that is so inspiring to me!!!
I really love what you said — it’s true — we all deserve the best. I feel like that is not a message we get in the media often. It’s true – none of us should settle for anyone who doesn’t treat us amazing and make us their priority.
Thanks for the honest post!
Lilly
Thanks so much for this honest post janae. Your blog is much more than a running blog, I’ve been reading for several years and its been an inspiration how you’ve handled the last year or so. I was worried for you when you started dating so quickly. (not judging you, I obvi don’t know you personally) I think everyone just tries their best to handle themselves in the situations they’re given, and learn and grow from that.
Its SO ok to be single! im 26, and single. I would like to be in a serious relationship! But I’m not willing to compromise for someone who isn’t a great fit for me, someone I’m totally crazy for.
I’m so happy for you that you’re dating someone you really like! I know many religious people feel pressure to marry young, or marry quickly because of their beliefs, I hope you don’t feel that this time around, don’t marry just for the sake of being married :)
I don’t mean my comments as judgmental in any way, I am rooting for you and wish you the best!
Ps I can’t get over how cute Brooke’s coat is, toddler & baby coats are the best
Martina
Your a very inspiring women and mom, you deserve wonderful things! Good luck with the new man!
Katie @ Bevo Loves an Aggie
I am divorced, and have been remarried for almost two years. Everything you said, I would agree with. I, too, rushed dating, and it ended it a couple mini heartbreaks that really weren’t fun. I then met somebody that I didn’t need to rush it with, and I married him! It was hard, but my divorce ended up being a great thing that happened to me because it led me to my new life, which I love more than anything!
Nicole@TheGirlWhoRanEverywhere
As always, thank you for your openness and your honesty. You are an inspiration!
Ashley @ A Lady Goes West
She sure is cute. Thanks for being so open about your life. And the only December things I’ve done so far are Christmas shopping, some holiday parties and making a Christmas card. I need to get more festive soon!
Nikki @ will run for pizza
I don’t think anyone will ever get the post-divorce thing down right. It’s just something that you have no idea about, until you are going through it, and noone WANTS to go through it. And then your emotions are such a roller coaster, your confidence is at -1000, and your just trying to make it in the world.
I did kind of the same thing in regards to dating. We were separated for over a year before our divorce was finalized, so I had SOME time to move on emotionally before it was all finalized, but like you said, it’s just a process of feelings that you HAVE to allow yourself to go through if you want to be whole for the next relationship. And I didn’t get into another serious relationship for about 9 months after it was finalized. The 2nd time around we waited about 2.5 years to get married b/c in my first marriage, we met and married in less than 6 months. So THAT was a lesson I learned! haha
Amanda
I got divorced a handful of years ago and I just want to say a huge AMEN to allowing yourself to grieve and not rushing into dating again. It is so important to allow yourself to feel your feelings. Healing and grieving cannot be put on a fast track, and they can’t be avoided.
Rheagan @ Hardly Awesome
This is such an important post. Thank you for writing it. I love posts like this, because they really show how far you have come in the past two years :)
Marcia
Your journey is a brave one — I cannot thank you enough for sharing you experiences (good and not so swell), and for the honesty that came with it.
In terms of relationships — I just got married nine days ago, and while I’m new to marriage, I’ve had my fair share of failed-burned-to-the-ground one’s that REALLY taught me lessons: on my value, what I want in a person, and respect. Tough to experience, but man on man when you get it right, even for a moment, all the bad stuff melts away. Here’s wishing you forever happiness — YOU deserve it!
Anne
I think your blog is great! Thanks for sharing everything, so glad you are happy!
As someone who has been single for too long?! I’m curious how you started dating again… through friends? Church? Online? Since you’ve found someone great I’m sure we’ll hear his story down the road :)
Becky @ Ok, so here's the plan
Before I met my boyfriend, I was single most of my life. I am pretty happy on my own, so I don’t put up with a lot of crap. I have been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now, and I’m so happy I didn’t settle for less!
December traditions: putting the tree up, making peanut brittle, wrapping presents. We don’t have kids, so I know there will be more traditions once we do.
Kate @ SoCal Runner Gal
I tend to hop right into another relationship when I get out of one. Bad idea. I am promising myself I will NOT do that this time around. I just split and moved out from ex and I am vowing to be single for awhile. :)
So happy you found one you really like. Now you have to tell us how you met!! Haha. I am all about the TMI!
Amanda @ Slimplify Life
That’s my question exactly! I’m thinking Single Runners Mingle dot com?!
Traci
I am sorry that you’ve had a rough time, but it sounds like you have learned a lot, and are in a healthy place right now. The Santa mailbox is adorable! I want to put something in there!
Brenda @ Don't Lose The Trail
I think this is a great post, Janae, even if it isn’t related to running or applicable to my life as I haven’t gone through a divorce. I think your candor and willingness to share something that a lot of people talk about in hushed tones behind closed doors is probably helping a LOT of women going through divorce/similar pain.
Kristy
I am truly so very sorry for all your heartache the last 2years. Pray that all works out well with this special new man!! :). I had a broken engagement in my early 20s that left me devastated and challenged even my faith in God. I went thru counseling, and had several people hold me accountable to not date for an entire year. At the end of it, for the first time I felt completely content. I remained single for 4 more years, sure that God would have to bring the right one, cuz I didn’t know what I was doing. Enter, my husband! We have been married 6 years! I would never have picked him for myself back then. I am SO very blessed with him!
Love your blog!
Bobbi
I love Flower’s response. I’ve never met anyone that’s done it “right” either. When your heart is broken you’ll try absolutely anything to make it feel better. I think TIME is the most important thing, above all else. Sometimes we think we found the perfect guy and so to hell with taking time, hogwash. Nothing is more important than healing. For you and the little ones.
Megan
I jumped into a relationship after the separation, divorce wasn’t finalized yet. Got pregnant, that relationship didn’t last and I went through pregnancy alone and still trying to get over a divorce. Learned my lesson and waited three years before I started dating again. I guess I need to learn things the hard way.
tess
I agree that real life, though censored somewhat, is nice to read about on blogs because it reminds us that everyone lives and feels life even with PR’s and awesome runs and injuries and everything. We’re still spouses, children and parents trying to navigate our way through this the best we can. And running helps us succeed.
I want a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory caramel apple right now.
Olivia J
Janae, I just want to say how AWESOME and STRONG I think you are. What a wonderful thing for you to be able to reach so many women who may be in the same or similar situations, and to share your stories with all of us. I’m sure it is scary/weird being open on the internet but I think it’s wonderful that you are and I really respect you for it! Hope you’re having a great day and I’m so happy for you that you have found a ‘good one’! :)
Cassie G.
Never been married. I have been single for SIX years now…and counting. The last guy I ‘talked’ to – I drove over 3 hours to his house and then 3 hours back to mine on the weekends and he never came to see me. Things moved way too fast and it just wasn’t right. So that ended before it really began.
I haven’t gone on a date in a year (because nobody has asked me) and I just begin to wonder sometimes if it’s ever going to happen for me. My younger sister just got married to a great guy who is my age so that hit me in a not so great place.
Christmas traditions include dancer dinner at Keifer’s, Christmas light lookin’, tacky Christmas sweater parties, etc. I love December. And even though I’ve never met you, I love you and what you stand for. Keep doing what you are doing, you know yourself better than anyone else.
P.S. Brooke is THE CUTEST.
Amy @ Life to the Full
Thoughts on relationships and things… I wish I would have met my husband right away instead of dating such not-nice guys for so many years! Dating and relationships sure aren’t easy.
I would like a caramel apple right now, too please! YUM. Christmas tradition for us: my son and I baked chocolate chip oatmeal cookies today :) He wasn’t super helpful but he will get to eat one when he wakes up from his nap!
Liz Walker
I eagerly await your posts every day, and this was one of the best! Your endless positivity and commitment to life as a learning process inspires me. Thanks for this honesty about a challenge we all face at some point in our lives. What a daily dose of motivation!
Amber
I am so happy for you, Janae! Wishing you lots of love and happiness!
Sara
I started dating 4 months after leaving my ex-husband but I really don’t think I was ready for the rejection and hurt that can come with dating, I don’t regret it as I’ve learnt a lot about dating and myself since then. It’s now 9 months since becoming single and I’ve starting dating again, I feel strong and confident enough this time around to handle the downs and really appreciate the ups.
Your experience reminded me of what I put myself through so I hope that others out there will read it too and think twice before rushing into anything. Thanks so much for sharing, it’s good to have real people tell their stories.
Jade
Thank you for having the courage to be so open and honest!
After I was divorced I didn’t want anything to do with relationships for about a year, and only then did I dabble just a little bit in dating but never introduced anyone to my 2 kids. I’ve had a few serious relationships but have found I am really happiest being single.
I’ve put up lights, decorated the house and sent Christmas cards. I love hearing about your Christmas traditions!
Wendy
Thank you for sharing, your honesty is refreshing.
You are needed in this world, there is strength in your authenticity.
It’s going to be a great Christmas! :-)
Erin @ Erin's Inside Job
I was a serial monogamist, meaning that I would jump from one long relationship to the next. I had a lot of esteem issues and felt more complete in a relationship (hint: don’t go that route). I entered recovery (I’m a recovering addict) and started doing a lot of work on myself and my warped beliefs. I became friends with and later married one of the most amazing people. It’s a completely different relationship than I have ever been in, but that’s also prob bc Im a different person :)
Good to see you happy!
Elena
Thanks for sharing – I think it’s a think that is really tough for a lot of people. While I’m not divorced I remember my mom after she and my dad got divorced (I was already an adult so she didn’t have little kids). She would call and have so much self doubt and was so insecure. Then she tried to date too fast and a couple guys were jerks. Eventually she found someone and remarried – she said he was the love of her life ! He treated her so well and they had so much in common – it was awesome to see! BUT she always said that if not for my dad she would’t have had me or my sister :)
Angela @ North Idaho Runner
I’ve never been divorced but prior to meeting my husband, I was in a long term relationship with my high school “sweetheart”. We were together for almost six years and had a child together. For me…I had to learn that I COULD be alone. I never really experienced being a single adult….my insecurities contributed to a series of dysfunctional codependent disasters. It sounds incredibly cliché but I really had to be happy on my own BEFORE having a successful relationship. I’ve been with my husband almost ten years and I think we’re in it for the long haul….
We don’t really have many holiday traditions. A few days prior to Christmas, we start watching our favorite holiday movies while binging on treats.
Amanda Olson@runningyourbody
Janae, you are an amazing lady. You absolutely do deserve the best, and I’m so glad that you are able to work through this past year and keep your spirit up. You are a lovely girl inside and out, and some man is going to be very very lucky to get you as his partner!
Kira
I thought you weren’t supposed to date until a divorce was finalized. Thanks for the details…we are all excited to see if this is the one!
Katie
This post was inspiring and I hope you realize that your words clearly are helping others out there. I have never been divorced, but my last relationship before meeting my husband was not good for me, although I couldn’t see it at the time. It was so important to rediscover myself after finally letting go of that relationship and I needed to be “on my own” (i.e., move to a different state, on my own, and start law school) to recover. Once I was able to do that, my world changed, I eventually met the man of my dreams, and I haven’t been happier since. Thank you for your honesty and sharing.
As far as Christmas traditions go, we have many! One of my favorites is getting together with my sister to watch an old Muppets Christmas special taped from the TV in 1989. It has to be that version, as we even have the commercials memorized. We finally had it converted to DVD last year so we can keep the tradition going. :)
Lauren
My break-up was two months ahead of the ending of your marriage last summer so I could completely identify with you at the time and I still do. I rushed into dating way too fast when I wasn’t ready which wasn’t fair to two really sweet guys. I finally am at the point where I am ready to get serious with someone but am not willing to settle for just anyone. Thank you so much for sharing this post! I love your blog for the running, food and Brooke but topics like this are important as well.
Jessica @ SweatIsMySanity
Yeah, back in the day when Kimball and I split (only to get re-married), I waited until the divorce was final = 6 months. I then dated four different guys, but looking back I wan’t ready even then. I was smart in staying away from some bad boy types that I was WAY attacked too, but knew would only bring me more heartache. However, I went about dating all wrong. Venting about my failed marriage (Dating for Dummies mistake #1). Yeah, they may ask why it ended but they’re not ready to hear the ugly truth, if you get diarrhea of the mouth. I’d think by being open, it was an open book/honest approach…but it was a train wreck. LOL. Oh well, live and learn. I ended up going back to my x as I’ve told you before, but if I had it to do over again, I would have been a lot smarter with my dating game. Good luck Janae, you deserve an incredible man that you can also be an incredible wife too. XOXO, Jess
Tricia @ A Couple of Dashes
I’m really hoping my comment posted! Eeeekkk!
Molly Rose
I personally love when your running blog isn’t always about running :)
Thanks for sharing and for being a strong, positive woman through all of this. You is awesome! ;)
shelly
Thank you for using your blog as a platform to help support and encourage women who are in a similar situation. Based on the 100+ comments, it’s easy to see that we all connect with you and appreciate the discussion. Simply put, thank you.
The Hungry Runner Girl
Thank you Shelly! I really appreciate your comment!
Melinda
Great post!! Advice I certainly could have stood to hear 2 years ago when my husband left me and our then 1 year old son. You are definitely right. Take time to yourself, take time to process through and truly deal with your emotions and seek out a counselor if needed. Running from, suppressing, ignoring, or any other form of not truly dealing with the pain of a divorce will catch back up with you….and I think the longer you wait the harder it hits when it does catch up. Dont let past hurt cloud your heart and vision and spill over into your current or future relationships. This is easy to do and even easier to do when your heart is still hurting. Know that no person can heal the hurt and fill any void that your divorce has left. It takes time. Even after taking time know that your first, second, third etc relationship post divorce may be a giant disaster but dont lose heart. Learn from mistakes, grow, become wiser and treat yourself good….and I mean really good. Everyone derserves to be loved for who they are and deserves to be treated like the treasure that they are. Do not settle.
Liz @ A Latte Running
I really appreciate how open and honest you are with the entire blogosphere – as a fellow blogger (kindaish), I know how hard it is to open up about personal things. I think it is awesome that you have found someone who you really care about :)
Cortney
So glad that you are enjoying your time with your new boy. I am not divorced, but I do have many friends that have been through it, and the one thing I do know is that everyone has a different grieving process. It is such a personal journey. As you know, what works for one person could be a disaster for another.
Random question for you, where did you get Brooke’s black boots? They are adorable. I have a two year old, and I was very close to buying her a pair of Uggs this weekend, and then I had to reevaluate my sanity for considering a pair of $119 boots for a two year old :-)
As always, thanks for sharing.
Michelle
I love love LOOVE reading your blog. You are so easy to relate to and I appreciate your openness on all topics of life. Runners are people with lives too, and a lot of running blogs aren’t in touch with that! :)
I’m in a bit of a rough patch with my marriage right now, but am hoping to pull through…. right now running is my distraction/coping mechanism. Reading your blog and seeing how you have overcome in such a huge way with a smile on your face makes me feel better every time I read. I think if I ever wind up down that road, I will feel very uncomfortable with dating for a long time and fill my life with runs, puppies and dance lessons!!
This year, December traditions are a little off, but I still went to the tree farm with my family to get our Christmas tree right after Thanksgiving, still decorated the tree with hot apple cider and whipped cream, and am going to pull some little angels off of our Angel Tree at the hospital to buy gifts for two or three needy kids! Love this time of year!
Avery
My ex and I broke up a few days or weeks before you filed for separation. We had dated all through high school, college and my grad school– 8 years! I still haven’t dated anyone seriously or even been on a date! There have been guys…few and far between, but I have to say, I have NEVER been happier. I think every girl needs an extended period of single time to fall in love with yourself before you fall in love with anyone else.
Cheers to you for sharing this, as a long time reader I really appreciate the transparency.
Jenee
Late to the game here, but I want to say that if what feels like over-sharing helps anyone who reads it, it’s worth it. I so enjoy your posts every day. :)
Give me your thoughts about dating/relationships/where you are right now in terms of all that stuff!!!
*I’m married to the man of my dreams. He’s sweet, funny, handsome, and – this may sound silly – has never raised his voice to me. He has a good heart and I’m a lucky woman.
Divorced peeps—> what was your experience with entering the dating world again?
*Not divorced, but had a long relationship from ages 19-26 and the breakup was ugly. I sought comfort in other people instead of trying to build a life on my own and all that did was prolong the heartache. He was not a good guy, but it took me a long time to heal and you know, there is love there at least in the beginning so…it’s difficult to process all that goes on inside during something like that. Anyway I met my husband about a year and a half after I moved home, and I’m so thankful for that time.
What December traditions have you done so far?
*We are doing an advent calendar with my son, so every morning we read the Christmas story and he delights in having a chocolate before breakfast. I’ve had the traditional stressed-out phone call from my mom, not knowing what to buy my brother, and that’s about it so far. :)
Rachel @ Blonde with a Chanse
I have never been divorced, but I love how honest you are!! I think this can really help a lot of women :)
divorced_dude
I stumbled onto this from a friend’s Facebook post… I’m a guy but it was helpful to read another’s perspective.
As tempting as it was to move on as fast as possible, I waited a bit to date again because I didn’t want to make anyone feel like I wanted to be with them because I was lonely… I also wanted to heal as much as possible so I could make a fair attempt at a relationship. I have enough quirks as it is haha I don’t need divorce craziness working against me.
The only thing I would add is the importance of guidance and counsel. I went to a therapist that shared my values and she was able to help me figure out when I was ready to get back into the dating scene. During my divorce, I had all kinds of people giving me advice. I believe they were all trying to help and I appreciated it, but it was tough to make the best kind of decisions when I was so unstable emotionally.
Before my divorce I thought counseling was the biggest joke in the world. I stand corrected.
Thanks for sharing!
The Hungry Runner Girl
I am so glad you commented! It is so good to hear from the male’s perspective too! You are 100% right about counseling, my therapist has helped so so much! I hope you are doing well!
Losing Lindy
I haven’t dated at all since V was born.
Sometimes I want to give it a go, and other times I am so thankful of the no drama.
Cheri @ Overactive Blogger
I love how open and honest you are about what can be a really really tough topic! You’re awesome!
Kristine
Great post. I am very happy that you are in such a great place. This Christmas will be really special I’m sure. Brooke is so lucky to have such a great mommy!
Teresa
Thank you for being so open and honest. It is one of the things I love the most about your blog. Life is so tricky to navigate and it really helps to share experiences. We all can learn from each other at different stages of our lives. It is great that you have a way of connecting with so many people.
Kelly
I never (EVER EVER) comment on blogs because I feel like . . . well, I don’t know you (or any blogger) in person, so it’s none of my business and not my place to comment on your life or anyone else’s, but I just wanted to say . . . you are brave. As someone who watched my mother gracefully go through a divorce, I can say that her strength was so important to me. It kept me from falling apart, you know? I know that Brooke is too young to understand, but from everything I read (and I know what we see is only a small part of your life, but I believe this is true!) think you are a wonderful mother. She is lucky to have you!
The Hungry Runner Girl
Kelly, I appreciate your comment so so so much. It is so good to hear how important it was for you (being in Brooke’s place) for your mom to keep it all together and stay strong. Thank you and your mom sounds amazing!
Gracie
Thanks for the insight and advice. Dating after divorce might be one of the most difficult parts of the situation: not sad, not painful, just difficult. There is much more going on in your heart during/right after a divorce than dating when single.
I’m married now, but I dated a horrible jerk in the past. And I will be quite honest. I am a terrible person for it, but at the time I stayed with him for his money!!!!! I was a very poor college student and he was a wealthy professional with a sizable trust fund on the side. I stayed on at least 6 months longer than I should have :( It was a completely stupid thing to do, selling my self-worth for money, but boy did I learn my lesson!
Dorothy
I read your blog everyday but never really comment, but Janae- you’re so strong and awesome for sharing this insight into your life. I think it’s super inspiring how much you seem to be taking the positives and learning from your divorce. The positivity you bring on your blog always brightens my mood and I love when you share some real talk like this as well. Thanks for sharing your life with us :-) Sending you tons of good vibes for this holiday season + your marathon training!!!!
cel
I think your tips also apply to anyone and everyone! Be ok with being alone, take time for yourself, enjoy life. The time is ripe when things fall into your already happy and full life :) <3
Karoliina
Thank you Janae for this post! I´ve also read your blog for years and it´s my favorite! <3 You constantly inspire me and I love your positive attitude in life although everything doesn´t always go as planned. Greetings all the way from Finland and enjoy your holiday season! :)
Tara
Hi Janae! Thanks for this post. I’m commenting late but I was wondering how you got back into dating. Did you join a dating site? Being single for the first time since I was 21, now 27, and also experiencing divorce, I no longer know how to meet guys. It is not as easy as it used to be. Any advice there?
And yes, I have taken almost an entire year but I also jumped into a relationship right away but realized I was being codependent and needed to process my feelings. But I am now ready to have a partner in life!
Cari
I definitely think that the things you think about while running should be included on a blog about running! After all, that’s the best part of running, all the thinks :)
This is awesome advice for relationships in general! Thanks for writing it Janae, and starting such a great conversation in the comments. Really helpful to read everyone’s experiences after coming out of a relationship myself. Good for you for helping so many!
Pam
“I think I was searching desperately for some distractions from all of my pain during that time and I thought dating was the best way to move on.” OMG yes. After my bf of 9 years and I split (we lived together for 7 of those years) I did the same thing. And it was a horrible idea. After a few (several) disasters, I did the me-time thing and now I am with the love of my life. Neither of us were looking or would have been ready for it a day sooner than it happened. Universe is good :)
Caisa!
❤️
Tedi @ Running With Infertility
I’ve never had to deal with that – This isn’t the trail in life that I have been given. But infertility is…. (I don’t wish anyone to have this) So in a way I can relate to those feelings and trying to get treatment done for my husband and I to have a baby. I know that sounds weird that I can relate to those feelings? But to me it just makes sense.
Sara
I think it’s great you’re talking about this! I went through a terrible breakup before I met my husband and I took a year off from dating. It was the best decision I could have made because I found out what I really wanted in a man.
autismmum
I don’t have any post break-up advice but I just wanted to say how HAPPY I am that you have met someone special!!! He is a lucky man! I’ve gone through alot having special needs twins and been financially crippled as a result, but I’ve been very blessed with my husband and I hope you find the happiness you truly deserve.
Stephanie
I feel like I am kinda right in the middle of this. I wasn’t married, but just ended a 6 year relationship. I don’t know where to start. A big part of me really just wants to be selfish and not think about ANYONE else for the next however long of my life. That is so uncharacteristic for me, though, and it is leaving me feeling very lost. Knowing that you made it through and are learning to love and thrive in it again gives me hope that it will all work out.
Meg
Janae-
Can you recommend any of the books you were reading that really helped you get through that dark, sad time? I need some distractions during mine :(