Last divorce talk for a long time mmmkay… sorry, it has just been on my mind a lot lately since I am coming up on my one year mark of filing.
As I was driving back from San Diego this weekend I had a lot of time to think about how the heck I made it through the last year. I started thinking about my running and how much it helped me to get through each day.
I remember the first run I went on after filing for divorce. It was 4 miles, in the middle of the afternoon after meeting with my lawyer and in a part of San Jose that I had never been to before. I didn’t listen to music and I didn’t look at my watch the entire time. It was just me, my thoughts, my tears and my shoes pounding the pavement and helping me to deal with the 100 different emotions I was feeling at the time. I remember my arms pumping as hard as they could and my lungs taking in quick, short and shallow breaths. For the entire run I took right turns anytime I came up to a red light so that I didn’t have to stop running even just to wait for a light because for those 28 minutes of running I felt a little bit of hope and lightness for the first time in a while.
Just two weeks later I decided to run a half-marathon the morning of the race and during those 13.1 miles I felt my confidence increase after it had been completely shattered and a little bit of the numbness melt away. By running those miles fast and strong I realized how strong I am mentally and that I would be able to get through anything.
Running got me out the door on mornings that I really just wanted to stay in bed all day. It started my day off with a positive perspective and plenty of endorphins to deal with the tough stuff the rest of the day. It helped me to feel gratitude and peace.
Running helped me to feel like myself on those weekends when Brooke was gone with her dad and suddenly not only was my identity as a wife missing but I also felt like my identity as a mother was gone too.
Focusing on training plans and races helped to distract from other thoughts and feelings that at times I just couldn’t handle.
Having my running partners each morning there waiting for me to join them and talk to helped me get over some really tough nights.
Over the last year my reasons for running transformed from what it used to be—> wanting to be a competitive athlete/allowing me to eat a lot of ice cream/addicted to the endorphins thing to running now because it is my safe place, an activity that I know will put me in a better mood, a healthy outlet, my therapy and a stabilizer… oh, and I still really want to get faster:)
So, that is why I love running now.
Even though there are tough days where I want to quit my run early or times I feel like I have nothing left to give…
I keep going because it has helped, and continues to help me get through some tough stuff.
I love the way it makes me feel.
What has running done for you?!?!